Six Months of His Strength

“Come, behold the works of the Lord!”
Psalm 46:8

“Remember when daily life was really, really hard?” my husband asked at dinner.

“Yeah,” I nodded and let out a sigh. Oh, did I remember.

Remember when it took twenty minutes for Kash to get shoes on? Remember when we had to teach him to eat, to sleep, to look us in the eyes, to walk and run? Remember how many conversations we had with our older boys as they wrestled through questions? Remember when we had to keep cleaning up bookshelves, until we realized it wasn’t worth it and just removed the things we didn’t want ruined?

“Our muscles have been strengthened,” Josh continued. “We handle things better now.”

I knew exactly what he meant. How we have been tested and tried! We don’t react to things now quite like we used to, and our patience has grown immensely (we used to think we were patient people - ha!). Messes don’t undo us, tight finances don’t cause us as much stress. Lack of sleep is, well, just a thing that happens sometimes.

Looking back, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in many ways. This post is to share His goodness and encourage those who read it. Please don’t be looking at me and my abilities or lack thereof - look at Him and what He can do with a life surrendered to Him.

Lack of Sleep + Health : My older kids have been great sleepers. They’re up a bit when they’re sick, but we have had the same bedtime routine for years and they sleep through the night like clockwork. Kash has more good nights than bad now, thank God for that progress. Some nights he is up giggling and rolling around for hours, thinking it’s time to be up and playing. Other nights he will be up screaming, thrashing, crying. I pray someday he will be able to tell me what these nights have been about. Many nights I’ve gone to bed anxious and anticipating what the night will hold. The day after a bad night, my body usually hurts and my attitude is crummy. God has given me plenty of opportunities to practice trusting Him for the nighttime, and adjusting my attitude for the daytime.

You may know from previous posts that I struggle with chronic illness. God has been healing me, and I am much better than I used to be. There are still some days were I feel “stroke-y,” as I call it; the left half of my face and arm feel not quite there and I’m working extra hard to make sure my words aren’t slurring. There are days when my brain fog is thick and I have a persistent headache. There are still other days when the veins in my leg are swollen and painful. Even on those days, when I don’t know how I’ll get from point a to point b, He looks out for everyone. The next day comes and guess what? Everyone ate, everyone learned something, everyone slept and was taken care of. He gives supernatural strength, He helps me do what needs to be done and He sometimes brings other people around to carry the load.

The more life I live, the more I am convinced that our bodies are to be used up for His glory. What good are we if we spend all our time perfecting our bodies, and neglecting works of obedience the Lord puts before us? He made these bodies to be used, spent for His glory. Abused and trashed? No - taken care of, and spent. My veins are a constant, visible reminder; I can’t ever get my pre-children vein health back, but I do what I can to keep them strong how they are and don’t mind the looks of them so much anymore. They aren’t what the world would say is beautiful, but they were used to give life to two little boys and that? That’s priceless. We (I) can focus on our health so much; getting enough sleep, enough nutrients, enough water and minerals and this and that and — before we know it, we are forgetting that our God not only is the Author of our lives but also the Sustainer. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own health as well as Kash’s. Each of us has had to do a deep-dive to get to the roots of some issues, and from there we have worked to heal and maintain good health. But it is the Lord who holds us in His hands and sees to it that we get what we need. We can do our research, be informed, and make good choices for our families - and trust the Lord to it all.

Finances and Provisions : Over and over we have seen the Lord provide financially. Josh works hard at his job, we budget and watch our money closely to be good stewards of what the Lord gives us. And we pray. We make our needs known to the Lord, and wait on Him to provide. There are times when financial situations shouldn’t logically work out, and yet He sees to it that they do. Countless times He has laid an amount or a physical item on someone else’s mind to send to us, and they do in obedience. It is very humbling, and it reminds us to be attentive to ways He may be asking us to give to others. From dozens of eggs and bags of coffee to checks in the mail, He has met every single need in the time we needed it! What do we have that we did not receive (1 Corinthians 4:7)?

Obedience : These last six months have taught me that hard does not equal bad, and obedience doesn’t always feel like a joyful thing. Sometimes obedience is hard. Sometimes it’s the opposite of what we want to do. Allow me to give an example. We sat in the car outside the adoption agency in Florida, waiting until I could pull myself together to go inside and sign paperwork. This may surprise you, but I didn’t want to go in. I wanted to pack up and drive back to Maine and forget the whole thing. After meeting Kash I felt about as big as an ant ready to get squashed under someone’s foot. His needs were too much, the lack of connection between us was too much, the upheaval of my normal life was too much. It was too. much. I sobbed, and Josh handed me tissue after tissue while the kids sat in the back concerned but trying to busy themselves watching traffic. We all didn’t fully understand what we were getting into, yet the parts that were becoming real were scary. Josh reminded me of the ways God had moved over the past couple weeks. He had orchestrated all the details, from us finding out about Kash to inquiring about him to agreeing to pursue him to house preparations to travel needs and beyond. It was obvious that God was placing Kash in our family, and there was not a single step where He had been absent. Josh encouraged me gently and led me into the building to finish paperwork. I had to be obedient, trusting that what God had called us to was something He would provide the strength for.

Perhaps this is an American struggle, or maybe a Westerner struggle, but we tend to avoid situations and lifestyles that are challenging. We can be faithful to God by working hard at our jobs, serving in our churches, making sure we only watch wholesome TV shows. This is true. But what if God asks you to do something that’s just plain hard? What if He asks you to move to the bush in Africa, where no one will know who you are, so that you can minister to drunkards and teach them how to bandage their wounds? What if He asks you to take your family to another country, in order that you might open your home to dozens of children who have all experienced trauma? What if He asks you to sit in the middle of Boston and talk to homeless people, that they might know Him? What if He asks you to teach Scripture to college students, to challenge their worldviews and show them the Way? These are all real examples of things He has asked people to do! Do we brush off the conviction, saying that someone else could do it instead? Do we convince ourselves that the needs in this world really aren’t that significant? Do we think that Jesus is coming back soon, so why bother getting involved in anything outside our own comfort and wellbeing?

The God of Scripture is very clear about the purpose of our lives. It is to glorify Him and obey Him. He tells us to serve others, to care for the orphan and widow, to seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with Him. The life of a faithful, obedient believer isn’t a coast to the finish line. No, it’s a race - one for which we long to hear upon finishing, “well done, good and faithful servant.” And I can assure you, wholeheartedly - with obedience comes joy unimaginable, and peace that passes all understanding. The pain and struggles are real, but the joy and peace He gives are unmatchable. He tells us that our work for Him is never in vain, and that we will be rewarded. We serve a good, gracious King!

“He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what he has given.” Proverbs 19:17

Daily I see my weaknesses; there are so many. Yet His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Someone may look at my current load of work and say, “I could never do that.” (I’ve had a few comments as such!) And I think, well cool, me neither. Literally, I cannot do this without Him. Not only can I not do it by myself, some days I straight up don’t want to. But, obedience isn’t dependent on emotions. The amazing thing is that the Lord asks us to obey, and He equips us to do what He has asked. He gives the physical strength, the mental creativity and wisdom, the time and resources - all of it. The key is consistent, daily time spent in His Word and prayer. This is how we learn who God is and how He has created life to function, how we know what He wants our lives to look like and which things He wants us to do. Walking with Him is freedom and joy!

God is good, and He blesses His saints. I pray you are encouraged by how He has worked in my life and the lives of my family members. May you seek Him more, trust Him more, love Him more. He is worthy!

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

We Adopted!

It had been a year since we’d signed on with our wonderful consultant, Dawn. Three years since we began pursuing adoption. We had seen children’s situations come through, and had presented our family profile to some. Some we never heard about again, others we were told were a no-go. We began to have hard conversations. Maybe we should pause? Stop altogether? We called Dawn and talked it through with her, deciding to make a last-ditch effort in the remaining two months of our contract. That was a Monday. We got an email that Tuesday evening, and saw it Wednesday afternoon.

Urgent situation: 3.5 year-old-boy, reportedly autistic, born drug-addicted with one kidney. Nonverbal, not potty trained. Staying in cradle care homes, needs permanent placement asap.

We read the email over a couple times and thought about it.

“We don’t really have enough info to be able to say yes,” Josh said.

“We don’t have enough info to be able to say no… Can I ask some questions?” I asked him.

He agreed to ask and get more information. It could be a situation way over our heads, or it could be doable.

The more we found out, the more our hearts broke for this little boy. He deserved a loving home. We shared his name and some of his story with our biological boys, and we asked God for wisdom. Our boys talked about the things they would share, and all that they would teach him and show him if he came to live with us.

“Does he have a mommy and a daddy?”

“He does, but they aren’t taking care of him.”

“Does anyone care about him? Where is he staying? What does he like to eat?”

We prayed and prayed and kept asking questions and obtaining information. God kept sorting out details before we knew they existed. We committed to pursue Kashton, and the rush began.

The house was quickly rearranged and cleaned, and the four of us packed up to drive to Florida. Two weeks after we had heard of his situation, we were down in his State to meet him.

Kash was staying with a third cradle care family (similar to foster care, but not State-run) when we arrived. They are a wonderful Cuban couple who only speak Spanish. We had a translator for the first meeting, and an app for the interactions that followed. Our limited Spanish vocabulary was put to the test! We learned all that we could about how Kash had been doing; his behaviors, sleep patterns, food and drink intake, progresses and regressions. Kash stayed isolated and refused to interact, but after some time Levi and Caleb got him giggling and playing on one of the beds. Kash’s caregiver began to cry, as she hadn’t seen him open up and interact that way with any other children.

The second day, we took him out with us to a local playground where he promptly took off running. His poor balance combined with a rough night of sleep the night before resulted in more of a free-fall than a run and he toppled over a few times before sitting to play with the grass. We played a bit, then fed everyone lunch and brought him back to the house for nap time.

The third day, we packed up our belongings from the friends’ house we’d been staying at, picked up Kash and arrived at our first Airbnb. We took placement of him the following day, and he has been with us ever since.

That was five weeks ago. And it turns out, this is in fact way over our heads – and because of Christ, it is doable.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”
James 1

We have clung to this chapter in Scripture. Never did we think adoption would be easy – yet, like all of life, it’s impossible to fully know the difficulties until they are experienced. Our faith has been put to the test, and we have questioned ourselves.

Why are we caring for this little boy? Because God asks us to care for the orphan, and He gently and firmly set Kash in our laps.

How will we meet Kash’s needs? “God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). Quite frankly, we can’t meet all of Kash’s needs. Not on our own. Only Christ can give us the strength physically, the wisdom to know what he needs and when, the right resources at the right time.

What about our bio kids and their needs? Do we not think the Lord sees them too? Of course He does; they are not forgotten. They have been on this journey with us from day one, and they know what Scripture says. They know God asks us to care for others, and they have jumped at the opportunity. Their world has expanded dramatically as they’ve experienced another State and culture (Florida and New England are not the same, y’all), and as they’ve spent time with a child who does not talk or think like they do. They are learning more to take all of their needs to the Lord, and it is a beautiful thing. They have accepted Kash and chosen to serve him. Josh and I are so proud of them.

What a crash-course for maturity this has been. The first two weeks we were home, I was sure this boy would break us. But Josh pulled out James 1 and we read it over and over and over. God has proven Himself trustworthy and sufficient for each of our trials.

“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”
Ecclesiastes 7:8

This verse is forever in the front of my mind. When we first got Kash, he would not look at us. He would rarely lift his head. His mouth made one sound, a low “ooooh” that would come out as he flapped his hands over a book. He snatched books and toys and held them tight if I tried to move them aside. His steps stuttered and his feet dragged and he wobbled as if constantly drunk. He struggled to climb a playground structure. He only drank strawberry milk and did not feed himself. He would shake and become fearful at bedtime. He would wake in the night screaming, crying, thrashing – inconsolable, for hours on end.

The first night we had him, I placed his hand on his spoon and showed him how to bring food to his mouth. He was thrilled. From that point on, he has been determined to eat his food by himself. Fast-forward to now, just over a month later, and he will look us in the eyes. He has added “mah” and “may” and “bah” and “yah” to his vocabulary, and you better believe we rejoice with each sound! He trusts that if I move a book or toy, he will come back to it and therefore doesn’t hold on tightly. He walks a little straighter, his head stays up longer, his feet don’t shuffle quite as badly. He can climb up and down stairs with minimal help. He drinks water-diluted juice all day and his beloved plain milk at bedtime. Bedtime is no longer a scary ordeal, and his bad nights don’t last quite as long.

A week ago I brought him to the bathroom to change his diaper and figured I’d set him on the potty to get him used to it. Potty training was something I planned to do months later; there are other, higher priorities. But he sat there and peed, like he’d been waiting his whole life to use a toilet. I jumped for joy, he smiled real big. We still have to work on communication so he can tell us he needs to go potty, but for now we make frequent trips to the bathroom and he is happy to have more dry diapers.

With God’s help, he will continue to make progress. God has seen fit to show us which needs to address first, how to adjust diet to help him function better, how to keep our family routine and assimilate Kash into our family life. God is showing me how “the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” – many times I would much rather hold onto my comforts and plans, yet He asks me to be patient and equips me to do so. This is an intense learning process for all of us, but we trust that the end will be better than the beginning!

We had asked the Lord to send us children, and specifically the children who were hard to place. We sought out private adoption as other avenues had failed – and we waited for the unlikely chance that there would be a child older than a newborn. He surprised us, in His timing, and provided the means to go get Kashton. He has cared for each of us. He saw that our finances were taken care of, even last-minute. He worked out an appointment to get our van serviced right before we headed down, and nudged friends to send clothes and gifts for each boy so they’d be ready upon our arrival back home. He located us close to Dawn during our first week in Florida, and she graciously opened her home to us and reassured me when I was scared and in tears. He worked out our rental stays, as we had to wait day-to-day for clearance to leave the State. The final rental especially was a gift – the exact dates we needed were the only available dates, and we received a discount since it was very last-minute. It was on a farm in horse country, and we had freedom to walk around and pet the animals. How sweet it was to have that time together, and to have things to do just outside our door. God has taken good care of us.

Praise the Lord with us, for His goodness and His perfect timing! And join us in welcoming Kash to our family. Finalization will happen months from now, but he is finally home for good. Thank God!

“So we, Your people and the sheep of Your pasture, will give You thanks forever; we will show forth Your praise to all generations.”
Psalm 79:13

What - Or Who - Do We Magnify?

Weeks ago some symptoms started to worsen. Pain comes and stays with no sign of how long it will occupy that area of my body. Slowly I have become more equipped and educated, adding books to my library of health resources and bottles to our stock of remedies. With supplies ready, I braced myself to ride it out.

One hard weekend passed, and I came back up for air. The busyness of teaching littles and washing dishes and running errands kept my mind occupied, distracted from the discomfort. A flare here and a flare there. Then another rough weekend, what is it about weekends?! (Praise the Lord, many of the hardest stretches are when my husband is home from work.) The pain intensified and I looked for things to be grateful for. Yet my mind began to spiral.

What could this mean? Why is this an issue again?

For over a decade, I didn’t know I was sick. But now that I'm working to heal, it’s as though aches and pains keep coming out of the woodwork. In many ways I’ve gotten sicker before any progress has been made. Turns out, healing isn’t linear.

This pain is new. Where is it coming from? What if — I can’t go there. But I’m going to go there… What do I do? Who do I ask for help?

Problems arise and I don’t have answers. I seek answers. And then… I find myself relying on those [human] answers to maintain my peace. How can I have peace when I could have a tumor? Or another disease? Or nothing, but not know it? How can I walk through suffering well - what does that look like?

In dark hours, my thoughts swirl and go down rabbit trails that should be closed off. Easily and quickly I’ve found myself magnifying the problems. Magnifying fears. Bigger and bigger they appear as I try to shove down the anxiety that’s stuck in my throat. And then like a little spark - into the dark shadows of my mind - comes a ray of light: magnify the Lord.

How do I suffer chronically and not focus on the pain? How do I manage these headaches, or wait for the dizziness to lessen, or bear with the stabbing pain in my neck - and not let them consume my thoughts? How do I not fear the symptoms that may arise next week? What else is there to think of, than these physical problems? And if I think of something else, am I ignoring the problem? being foolish or ignorant or irresponsible?

In Scripture, David says:

"Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:3

And then also, Paul commands us to rejoice in all things:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!”
Philippians 4:4

The commands are to magnify the Lord, and to rejoice in Him. Do we then ignore the struggles? No, not at all. The struggles and circumstances are real, yet He tells us that even in them we can fix our eyes on Him.

Our pastor preached on Philippians 4:4 last week, and I smiled. I knew I wasn’t the only one in the sanctuary who needed the reminder to rejoice, and yet I thanked the Lord for getting me to church that morning to teach me further. Rejoicing should happen in sickness, and in health; when days are easy and when they’re hard; when life is clean with a pretty bow and when it’s messy in a heap. At all times, rejoice!

Over and over - daily - the Lord reminds me to magnify Him and rejoice. And I have found, over and over - daily - that He is sufficient. Often I ask myself, what am I magnifying? Is it pain and problems, or is it the Lord and His nature? It takes training, but we can learn to magnify Him in all things.

In this particular season, I’ve found that He is sufficient to lead me to answers and remedies when I need them. He is sufficient to give me His peace that surpasses all understanding and that wraps me in His comforting arms. This peace is not dependent on circumstances, it is dependent on an unchanging God and is therefore much richer and deeper than we can fathom. He is sufficient to take my load, my burdens, and give me joy. And He is sufficient to do it all again the next day, and the next and the next.

What a treasure we have in the Lord! What a gift, that He would make Himself readily available for all our needs at all times of all days! What a wonderful Father He is, who wants us to understand His nature and be made more into His likeness. He gives us life and He sustains it. Everything, all of it, is for His glory and our good.

You may not be dealing with physical problems; maybe you are having a hard time with other things. Or maybe you are in a season where there are minimal stressors and most days are joyful. If so, praise the Lord! And if not, still praise the Lord! Friend, if you are struggling with your thoughts and what you focus on, begin to magnify the Lord. Rejoice in Him. There is always something to praise Him for. There is always a way to magnify Him above other things. As you practice this, you will find that you are more joyful, days are more lovely, life is more abundant. May He always be praised!

“The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 23

You can listen to this Psalm here; this rendition is one of our family’s favorites!

This Is My Home, These Are My People

This is my home, these are my people.

This is the staircase with an extra stair and loose post, treads worn from traffic.

These are the floors that are daily walked on by feet of all sizes, leaving prints of mud or water or tiny sock fuzz.

This is the living room, where friends gather and forts are made and plants are watered. The sun shines bright on little faces watching trucks and cars, people and dogs. There are waves to neighbors and excited peeks to see if Daddy is home.

These are the books we read and re-read, shelf upon shelf upon shelf. We gather ideas, connect thoughts, giggle and share funny faces. These are the stories we tuck away, the people we learn from.

This is the kitchen, the heart of our home. This is where owies are mended, emotions are dealt with, bellies are filled. This is where lessons are taught and handwriting practiced, where more books are read and recipes learned. This is where herbs are potted, and remedies are made and administered. This is where gifts are made for friends and strangers, where conversations of every kind are had and countless prayers are said. This is where God provides and multiplies.

These are my children, who love life and learning. These are the ones who fill our home with laughter and creativity, who leave PVC pipe mazes in odd places and who tuck in their stuffed animals at quiet time. These are the ones God knit together, giving me the gift of motherhood. The ones He uses to sanctify me and make me more like Himself. These are the ones I in turn am able to teach and train in His ways.

This is my husband, the driving force of our home. This is the man who seeks the Lord and His will, who sets the course for our family and whom we happily follow. This is the man who is constantly learning and sharing what he learns, the one who teaches and listens and guides. This is the man who shares in our joys, dries our tears and makes us laugh. This is my husband, who shows me and our children more about Christ. This man makes our lives so rich.

These are the days that begin early, when the Lord graciously pries open my eyelids to teach me His ways. These are the mornings coffee is made while it’s dark and Scripture is read before little ones awake. These are the mornings God shows Himself mighty.

These are the days of sanctification, of roots going down deep. These are the days the Lord teaches and instructs, convicts and forgives. The days He fills with joy and peace and satisfaction. These are the best days, the days He has given us.

There are many rooms to this house, for nourishing, serving, growing and praising. These are the places and the faces He has surrounded me with. The gifts He has sweetly given. This is my home, and these are my people.