Weeks ago some symptoms started to worsen. Pain comes and stays with no sign of how long it will occupy that area of my body. Slowly I have become more equipped and educated, adding books to my library of health resources and bottles to our stock of remedies. With supplies ready, I braced myself to ride it out.

One hard weekend passed, and I came back up for air. The busyness of teaching littles and washing dishes and running errands kept my mind occupied, distracted from the discomfort. A flare here and a flare there. Then another rough weekend, what is it about weekends?! (Praise the Lord, many of the hardest stretches are when my husband is home from work.) The pain intensified and I looked for things to be grateful for. Yet my mind began to spiral.

What could this mean? Why is this an issue again?

For over a decade, I didn’t know I was sick. But now that I'm working to heal, it’s as though aches and pains keep coming out of the woodwork. In many ways I’ve gotten sicker before any progress has been made. Turns out, healing isn’t linear.

This pain is new. Where is it coming from? What if — I can’t go there. But I’m going to go there… What do I do? Who do I ask for help?

Problems arise and I don’t have answers. I seek answers. And then… I find myself relying on those [human] answers to maintain my peace. How can I have peace when I could have a tumor? Or another disease? Or nothing, but not know it? How can I walk through suffering well - what does that look like?

In dark hours, my thoughts swirl and go down rabbit trails that should be closed off. Easily and quickly I’ve found myself magnifying the problems. Magnifying fears. Bigger and bigger they appear as I try to shove down the anxiety that’s stuck in my throat. And then like a little spark - into the dark shadows of my mind - comes a ray of light: magnify the Lord.

How do I suffer chronically and not focus on the pain? How do I manage these headaches, or wait for the dizziness to lessen, or bear with the stabbing pain in my neck - and not let them consume my thoughts? How do I not fear the symptoms that may arise next week? What else is there to think of, than these physical problems? And if I think of something else, am I ignoring the problem? being foolish or ignorant or irresponsible?

In Scripture, David says:

"Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:3

And then also, Paul commands us to rejoice in all things:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!”
Philippians 4:4

The commands are to magnify the Lord, and to rejoice in Him. Do we then ignore the struggles? No, not at all. The struggles and circumstances are real, yet He tells us that even in them we can fix our eyes on Him.

Our pastor preached on Philippians 4:4 last week, and I smiled. I knew I wasn’t the only one in the sanctuary who needed the reminder to rejoice, and yet I thanked the Lord for getting me to church that morning to teach me further. Rejoicing should happen in sickness, and in health; when days are easy and when they’re hard; when life is clean with a pretty bow and when it’s messy in a heap. At all times, rejoice!

Over and over - daily - the Lord reminds me to magnify Him and rejoice. And I have found, over and over - daily - that He is sufficient. Often I ask myself, what am I magnifying? Is it pain and problems, or is it the Lord and His nature? It takes training, but we can learn to magnify Him in all things.

In this particular season, I’ve found that He is sufficient to lead me to answers and remedies when I need them. He is sufficient to give me His peace that surpasses all understanding and that wraps me in His comforting arms. This peace is not dependent on circumstances, it is dependent on an unchanging God and is therefore much richer and deeper than we can fathom. He is sufficient to take my load, my burdens, and give me joy. And He is sufficient to do it all again the next day, and the next and the next.

What a treasure we have in the Lord! What a gift, that He would make Himself readily available for all our needs at all times of all days! What a wonderful Father He is, who wants us to understand His nature and be made more into His likeness. He gives us life and He sustains it. Everything, all of it, is for His glory and our good.

You may not be dealing with physical problems; maybe you are having a hard time with other things. Or maybe you are in a season where there are minimal stressors and most days are joyful. If so, praise the Lord! And if not, still praise the Lord! Friend, if you are struggling with your thoughts and what you focus on, begin to magnify the Lord. Rejoice in Him. There is always something to praise Him for. There is always a way to magnify Him above other things. As you practice this, you will find that you are more joyful, days are more lovely, life is more abundant. May He always be praised!

“The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 23

You can listen to this Psalm here; this rendition is one of our family’s favorites!

Not again… my heart raced as I braced myself on the counter. I wiggled my hand, pinched it, flexed it. Still there…but not…

I called my husband over to check my face. Does one side look off? It doesn’t feel right. Ask me to say ‘tennis ball!’

All normal, at least on the outside.

The vision returned and the migraine came in full force. Just finish the pizza, thank the neighbor for the eggs. Then sit in the dark on the couch.

A couple days later I talked with my doctor on the phone.

What is the cause of this? It wasn’t a stroke – what was it?

“Cut gluten completely, and immediately.”

Are you serious? Gluten can do this?

“It’s inflaming your brain; cut it from your diet and we will go from there.”

I did, and the healing began. After a week or so without any trace of gluten, I was feeling amazingly better. My husband worked on finishing up the glutenous foods and the kids and I adjusted our diets. No more tummy aches, no more pain in my oldest’s knee. It was fantastic.

I adjusted my baking routine; I had begun selling baked goods, planning to continue as a means of fundraising for our adoption. I found that there’s a significant gluten-free crowd, so I started catering to them.

Not long after that I had blood work done that revealed more: leaky gut, intolerances to gluten, dairy, eggs, and a handful of other random foods.

Great. How will I do this? Now I’m basically a gluten-free, meat-eating vegan? HA!

My mind bounced between determination and defeat.

How would I keep baking to sell? I could keep up with the gluten free goods, since the rest of my family could still eat them. Batches had to be dual-purpose: keep some for my family, make extra to sell. I could make smaller batches of things for myself. Problem solved…once I could get the hang of it.

Wait, what is this? My left side…again…no…

It had been over two months since making huge diet changes. Two months without any gluten, which I now knew inflamed my brain. Yet there I was, symptoms showing up again. They were a fraction of what they used to be, but they were back.

I panicked.

Is it MS? Is it Lyme? What is wrong with me?!

Year after year I was told it was all in my head. All these random symptoms - they didn’t make sense, so it must just be in my head. Or if that wasn’t satisfactory – anxiety. Surely anxiety.

I searched and searched, read and read. Cried and fought fear, again.

Fatigue. Brain fog. I assumed these were part of motherhood – but I was sleeping enough. Why was I still waking up exhausted? Why could I not formulate the words I wanted to say, when they were right there? Why couldn’t I think of things, or do something without being distracted? Come to think of it, these issues were around long before my kids were.

Heart palpitations. Joint pain. Neck pain. Migraines. Shortness of breath. Surely, anxiety. Yet why did my wrist seize up when I tightened the carseat strap? Why could I walk miles one day, and the next get winded carrying laundry up the stairs? Why, in high school, could I track with all that my coaches asked and then later look like I had no idea what I was doing? Surely, anxiety?

I walked into my doctor’s office and told her to prove me wrong.

“It’s Lyme,” I said. “It all makes sense.”

It’s Lyme, she was certain. She’d seen enough of this to recognize it. We did a blood test, she prescribed me an intense medication, and we talked about getting my life back.

How did I get here?

I went out to the car and sat, relieved to have a prospective answer. Relieved yet terrified. People die of this.

My husband found out he had a week off of work after being exposed to covid. I filled the prescription, fully intending to start while he was home and I’d have help.

I couldn’t do it.

The test results took longer than expected. But Josh’s one week off turned into two and I thanked God. It had become a sweet time together, and we got into a rhythm. Finally the results came – CDC negative, but based on bands in my blood it was very positive. Go figure.

Now, surely anxiety.

I cut the tablet into four and took one piece before I could talk myself out of it.

I thought back over the last few months. I had prayed in desperation for a doctor who would be able to hear me out and provide help. He answered that prayer, and He orchestrated the order of events in just the right way. This particular doctor is a Lyme specialist, which I initially shrugged at - but He knew. We got my diet under control, allowing my body to start healing. And He allowed me to have a solid month+ of that before uncovering the Lyme disease I’ve had for over a decade.

All the pieces started to come together, and so did the questions.

Where does this leave us with adoption? My diet is even more restricted on this medication, I can’t even touch some of the baking ingredients now - how can I fundraise? Can I even fundraise at all if I’m on the couch, killing this bacteria? How will we be able to get through my treatment? It’s supposed to take a year or two…or more…Lord, please let it be effective. Please, please heal me.

…to be continued, once more…

What - Or Who - Do We Magnify?

Let Me Tell You a Story - Part 4