The Moment Everything Changed

Where were you?

We now all have this moment. The moment everything changed.

In the middle of prepping food and overseeing schoolwork, I checked my phone. One notification caught my eye and I opened it to see a video of Charlie Kirk being shot. My thoughts swirled and my stomach churned as I stared at my phone. What did I just see? Was that real?

Quickly I learned that he had, indeed, been shot in the neck. The minutes seemed like hours as I waited to learn if he had somehow survived. Over and over I begged the Lord to work a miracle. Restore him. Please Father, please. God chose to take him home. I leaned on the counter with my head in my hands.

We all have this moment, and yet…we are not all one. We all have this moment, but we are worlds apart in the same soil.

Some claim equality and justice, while murdering babies in the womb and confusing what children they have left with ideas about gender. They say we need to come together, but the fruit of their culture shoots up schools and stabs innocent commuters.

Some desire freedom; freedom of speech, freedom to live. Protection of the innocent, from conception till natural death. The ability to have conversation and debate, to disagree and shake hands.

There have been some muddied up waters, but if this week has taught us anything - there is no neutrality. This is good versus evil. The beliefs of the Left lead to death and destruction. It is godless, demonic, wicked. The beliefs of the Right will likewise degrade unless they are anchored in truth.

Dear reader, I beg you to search your soul. You may hate what the Left stands for - good. But do you know Jesus Christ? Has He saved you? Do you know that apart from Him, your sinful self can spiral into justifying wickedness too? Every single one of us is born sinful, there is none who does good on his own (Romans 3:12). Our hearts are prone to unrighteous anger and hatred, bitterness, covetousness - “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). If we do not have Him, if He has not saved us and made us clean from our sins, we cannot actually be good. The tether to morality is through Jesus Christ, there is no other way. We cannot truly be free unless we have been freed from our sins through Him.

“Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”
John 8:36

There is righteous anger right now, I feel it too. Justice is a good and right desire. Justice is Godly. But justice can only be Godly if it is done in God’s ways. Friend, if you do not know Him, I beg you to repent. Get right with God. Know His grace and His peace that surpasses all understanding.

Each of us has to determine where we stand. For those of us clinging to Scripture and begging God to make sense of it all -

“Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before my face.”
Psalm 5:8

Psalm after Psalm resonates right now. I found myself asking, why? Why am I so wrecked about this? It sounds callous to say, yet Charlie Kirk isn’t someone I’ve spent time with let alone talked to. I don’t know him. Others have summed it up well: that he embodies what we seek to be. He was a brother in Christ, fighting for freedom of speech in our country, working harder than most to keep civil discourse alive and encourage young people to find truth. The more I learn about him, the more I’m inspired by how he lived his life. Everything was for Jesus. He humbly loved people so well. To have a man who has not gone after anyone, murdered in front of his own family…it is such a vicious attack that there is no going back. Everything has changed.

More details will surface and time will tell what happens next. But mothers, may I attempt to encourage us all? The children we are raising need to know truth. They need to understand how God created them and the world. They need verses in their minds and hearts. They need to know that they are sinners, and Jesus is our Savior. They need to know that boys are boys and girls are girls because that’s how God’s beautiful design works. They need to know that God hates murder, and that it starts in the heart. They need to be taught that the tantrums they throw when they’re little will turn into violent rage later if they don’t know how to control themselves and submit to Scripture. They need to know that people are valuable because God made them, and He desires that none perish. They need to know that not everything in life is fair or equal, that God gives different gifts to His children and we are to rejoice in that. They need to know when to pick a fight and stand on principle, and when to walk away. They need to know so much.

Our jobs are not mediocre, friends. We help shape the future by the raising of our children. Lord willing, you have a strong husband to lean on who will cover you and lead your family well. I pray you do. If you don’t, I pray the Lord strengthens your hands and lifts your head, and may He provide you with such a man.

Draw your children to Scripture and help them understand it. Help them apply it daily - you will grow too. You can search things out alongside them. When they are caught in sin, resist the temptation to be easily frustrated and short with them. Help pull them out, as our Lord does with us. Give them the tools to grow into men and women firmly rooted in Christ.

May we raise children who make our Savior proud. May we seek to glorify Him daily. He is worthy of what we see as sacrifice. Someday, when we see Him, it will be the least we could have done.

“Only one life, ‘twill soon be past; Only what's done for Christ will last.”

C.T. Studd

Merry Christmas 2024

Every year my mind swirls with thoughts of all kinds.

How challenging is it to ride a donkey for miles…while pregnant? Did the animals recognize this baby was special? What would it be like to birth your Creator? Thank God this only happened once - He only needed to come once - God came to earth as a man!

What is my response? Thankfulness, so much thankfulness, whether breakfast is on time or not. Thankfulness even if the tree is dead and gone, which it is, hanging on by a few needles. The tree that reminds us how our Creator spent His first days as a human in a manger, and was later hung on another tree - taking our sins with Him forever.

I hold our infant and think of Mary, what amazement she must’ve felt. I watch our older kids open their gifts and shout for joy, smiling big, and I wonder what God thought as He watched the shepherds and wise men excitedly search for His Gift. The best Gift. What joy!

Merry Christmas, friends. God is so kind.

The End Better Than The Beginning

There’s a sobering weight that settles over a parent driving away from the hospital with their first child. Am I even mature enough for this? Who is allowing this child to come home with me?! I don’t know how to raise a child!

It seems like yesterday that we buckled in a little boy we didn’t know and drove away from the cradle care home. Suddenly the burden had shifted: the generous, exhausted caregivers had given him their final hugs and kisses and welcomed the reprieve, while we assumed the weight of it all.

I looked back from the passenger seat to smile at our older boys, scared that we were about to ruin them. I glanced over at this foreign, flapping, huge diaper-wearing three-year-old and tried to catch the eyes that didn’t want to connect. Lord, maybe this is too much. Are You sure? We could turn around…

We drove for hours and arrived at our rental house. After a whirlwind of a couple weeks we now had to slow painfully down. The days ahead were empty, left for us to fill with who-knew-what while we waited for paperwork to be signed and the green light to leave the state. We got things put away and explored the backyard, hopeful that the physical activity would help everyone sleep well that night.

The next handful of nights were nightmares. It started with brushing teeth and would end sometime in the early hours of the morning. Cup after cup of strawberry milk was made, diaper after diaper changed. Back rubs, relaxing lotion, the fan and sound machine on – we had no clue how to decode the screaming and crying and thrashing. Nothing seemed to diffuse the intense emotions this little boy felt, and he had no other way to tell us what he was thinking.

Those two weeks were full of challenges and beauty: trips to the store that ended with screaming; comments from strangers that brought tears, because you can’t possibly explain your situation in 15 seconds; bright sunsets with horses in the foreground; giggles from three little boys and joy in their faces as they jumped around with baby goats.

Up until then, life was fairly easily curated. Planned. Predictable. Learning curves came in stages, with end dates somewhere on the horizon. But this little boy who’s world had been rocked came in and shattered much of what I knew with breakneck pace. All of a sudden, life was messy and I couldn’t do anything about it. Things I never anticipated began happening left and right. He’d wander down the driveway, fall over constantly, make one guttural “ooh” sound all. day. long. There were a lot of little, probably petty things – like ripping books and smearing poop on the windowsill. But it all broke me. What hurt most was the reality that many adoptive mothers experience – pouring yourself out for a child who desperately needs your love and stability but cannot process it, and will push it – you – all away. The poop on the windowsill would’ve been easier to handle with a smile if this little one could have told me what he needed. The ripped books could’ve been tossed with less heartache if I knew he understood boundaries and the concept of possessions.

There were a few days, and many nights, I spent in tears genuinely questioning our decision. If we had said no, God would have brought someone else to take him. Right? God would still have cared for him. We could have waited, maybe taken an infant or at least a child with fewer needs and hangups.

And here we are, officially one year later.

We could’ve said no; we could’ve asked God to send another family. But we would’ve missed all that He wanted to do.

The stretches of good nights, the daily walks that did us all good physically and mentally. The day Kash looked me in the eyes while he was flapping, indicating that he wanted to let me into his world. The countless conversations with our sweet Levi and Caleb, answering their many questions and being humbled by their love for their new brother. The sheer joy as all the boys wrestle together and giggle, as they run outside and balance on the obstacle courses they’ve made themselves. The day Kash came padding into the kitchen to see what I was doing, interested in something other than himself and the object he held. The day he tried to crack an egg into a pan. The fact that I can now read him like a book, without many words. The day, a couple weeks ago, he looked at me and called me Mama when I got him up for breakfast.

We don’t know where Kash would be if God hadn’t placed him here. But we do know that God plucked him out of a life of pain and struggle, drugs and instability, and gave him a fresh start. We have watched his body heal, and we know he feels the difference. We have seen Kash emerge, leaving his autistic behaviors and traits behind. Oh, how much we all have learned!

“Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”
James 1:17

Early on we received a frame from an adoption organization with this verse scripted inside, and I hesitantly found a place for it. I knew Kash was a gift but truthfully, it was hard to accept that as fact. Are gifts supposed to weigh you down and make you lose your mind?! Turns out, sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the story God is writing makes no sense and your job is to be a good character anyway. I’ve learned to laugh more, relax more, take each day as it comes knowing that the Lord will provide for my every need (and those of my children!). God gives us gifts as He sees fit, whether we recognize them as gifts or not. Kash certainly is a gift to each of us from Him. He is now naturally part of our family and we couldn’t imagine not having him here!

Who knows what the next year will hold. Without a doubt there will be more sanctification, and Lord-willing we will come out even more refined and joyful. We genuinely look forward to the things to come because we know that God works all things for our good and His glory – we have seen this proven time and time again. He is good. One year down, many more to go!

“The end of a thing is better than its beginning; the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”
Ecclesiastes 7:8

We Call Him Ours

Nine months.

Nine months, to the day. Nine months ago we took a chunky little three-and-a-half-year-old boy overnight and he has been with us every day and every night since. And today, he became a permanent part of our family.

Praise the Lord, He has given a needy child a home! Praise the Lord, He has equipped these otherwise-incapable people with the strength and wisdom to do the job!

The analogy isn’t seamless, but the significance of this timing isn’t lost on me. For nine months, we have carefully gotten to know each other. Like a baby in my womb, this little one has grown and stretched me and I have felt his kicks. He knows my voice and without him speaking, I know his personality. I have wondered who he will grow to be, and he has slowly awakened to the world outside of himself.

And today, we have another son and he has our last name. On Josh’s birthday nonetheless, what a gift! And what a gift that Kash has a dad who will always remain in his life, who will continue to play with him and teach him and protect him. He has a dad who will continue to point him to his Heavenly Father, the One who can heal his wounds and give him purpose. The Lord has taken Kash out of a life of brokenness, away from dangers and hopelessness. How humbling it is to see that He has placed him into our family.

Today, Kash has two brothers who love him for better or for worse. They have nine months behind them of getting to know each other, learning from each other, understanding new aspects of this life we live together. When asked if all the boys get along, I answered that they act like brothers - truly, they have melded together and while it’s been rocky at times, none of us could imagine Kash being anywhere else but here with us.

Today, Kash has a mom who will stay steady for him. Since we took him in, I have cared for and loved him - though it has seemed like caring for someone else’s child. Today, I can call him mine. I have prayed for God to make this shift for me mentally, and He has done so in the last couple days. He is gracious!

Kash, my sweet boy - you are a gift. God plucked you out of harm’s way and has shielded you from experiencing more of the world’s brokenness. And as you know, our family is broken too; we will fail you at times and you will see our flaws. We are human and faulty. But by the grace of God, you will know stability, joy, and peace. You will see forgiveness, in the big things and the little. You will hear of God’s goodness, as you have many times already, and you will see how He can heal the deepest parts of each of us.

Your previous caregivers and your tummy momma are never far from my thoughts. I don’t know the roads they’ve walked, I don’t know the struggles they’ve had. I hurt for them and I pray for them often. Have they ever known stability, or the comfort or peace of God? Have they ever been nurtured or protected? Only Jesus can heal them from their addictions, only He can give them hope. May He do just that for each of them.

You are home now. Settle in, little one. Your things have their places, your schedule will remain consistent. And while I know you are getting comfortable, and healing has begun, I know the ache isn’t gone. When the memories are too painful and the loss to great, we will still be here to hold you. When you are able to speak, I pray that you will trust your dad and me to tell us the stories your life has held. We will be here to share in your giggles and rejoice as you learn new things. We will be here to encourage you and support you.

You are loved, sweet boy. God has started this good work, and He will see it to completion. Let’s praise Him together.