Steady

“What makes an ‘uh’ sound?”

“A ‘u’, that says ‘uh.’”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, what are you trying to write?”

I listen to my older boys as they work together writing cards. Day after day we practice sounds, working our way through a textbook and sounding out signs and words we read while out and about. My heart swells, I am so proud of their efforts to learn and be independent. I kiss their sweet heads more often and hug them a little longer these days. My first babies.

The leaves of Fall have come and are on their way out. Tarp-full after tarp-full has been raked and dragged out back to the ever-growing pile. The blue jays are picking away at the gutters and the squirrels are storing up acorns. The same scenes every year are magnificent and comforting.

Weeks ago we spent a couple days in hospitals with Kash. A UTI that reached his one kidney; grounds for getting really bad, really fast. He lay on the hospital bed in and out of sleep and fevers, in and out of pain and anger and fear. He couldn’t tell us where it hurt and why. Couldn’t answer our questions. Always on high-alert and pleading, “ah dah, ah dah!” All done, all done. Praise God, at least he had those sounds to tell us he wanted to go home. They strapped a board under his arm and wrapped the IV tightly to it so he couldn’t pull it out as he thrashed. He screamed and screamed, his terrified eyes begging us to understand.

My mind raced back to the previous to hospital trips we’d had with our now-middle child, Caleb. Was he scared? Absolutely. But he knew we were right there, and that comforted him. There was chaos but his world was still steady.

How different life is for Kash. I’ve counted seven different homes he has lived in, for various amounts of time. Some long, some very short. Some probably trying to be stable, but unable, and some quickly passing him off to the next. How does a delayed, nonverbal child process trauma and insanity?

Josh stayed at the second hospital with Kash while I went home for Levi and Caleb. When we were finally able to drive up and get them, I admit I was nervous. Did Kash believe we had done all this to him? That we’d made him wallow in pain and purposely terrify him in a hospital? It had sure seemed like it. Would he be angry to see me? Would he even want to go home, to our home, or would he be anticipating another drive to somewhere new?

I parked in the parking garage. We had bought special donuts to share with Daddy and Kash and I prayed they’d at least spark a smile. We walked around and waited outside the elevator doors. Finally, Josh came out carrying Kash. What a long few seconds it was, watching Kash’s confused little face as I smiled and tried to determine what emotion he was feeling - if he even knew what he was feeling. They came closer and stopped next to me and the other boys, and slowly… Kash leaned out of Josh’s arms and into mine. I hid a tear and held him as we walked back to the car. Lord, thank You.

Something changed for him in the hospital. He began following me around like a lost puppy. Anywhere and everywhere I went, he went. His little hands held on to the kitchen sink as I did dishes, his long lashes and nose sticking out from under his full head of hair, watching intently. “Uh pah, uh PAH,” he would ask every few minutes. Up, up. Had he ever been snuggled and nurtured as a newborn? There are so many gaps. I held him close.

He jumped ahead a bit developmentally, and we were stunned. Then came some of the hardest days yet. I thought it would be hard to beat the intense struggle of that first month he was with us, but I was wrong. Night after cruel night; day after day he and I limped to the finish line. Days when Levi would rub my back and Caleb would come to me with pained eyes, “Mommy, don’t cry anymore.” I held them close.

Someday my older boys will understand. For now, they just know that there are days when we all struggle and there are days we all are light as a feather. They know that Kash pushes me in ways no one else has, and they are the first to remind me - “Don’t be easily upset, Momma.” We go for walks and breathe in deep. We open windows and sing worship music. We stop mid-meltdown and ask Jesus for help, and oh how He does. We find things to laugh about and places to jump and climb and explore. One day at a time, our spiral is moving upward.

Someday, Kash will talk. And maybe someday, he will share his story. There are many more things I don’t share here than things I do. His story is his, and I pray the Lord saves his soul and gives him joy in his testimony.

The blue jays find seeds and fly away. The squirrels bound across the yard, mouths full of acorns. The earth keeps spinning; its rhythmic, routine course. Such comfort our Creator instilled in our universe. I hear all three of my boys laughing and giggling… my heart swells.

“You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power;
for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.”
Revelation 4:11

Six Months of His Strength

“Come, behold the works of the Lord!”
Psalm 46:8

“Remember when daily life was really, really hard?” my husband asked at dinner.

“Yeah,” I nodded and let out a sigh. Oh, did I remember.

Remember when it took twenty minutes for Kash to get shoes on? Remember when we had to teach him to eat, to sleep, to look us in the eyes, to walk and run? Remember how many conversations we had with our older boys as they wrestled through questions? Remember when we had to keep cleaning up bookshelves, until we realized it wasn’t worth it and just removed the things we didn’t want ruined?

“Our muscles have been strengthened,” Josh continued. “We handle things better now.”

I knew exactly what he meant. How we have been tested and tried! We don’t react to things now quite like we used to, and our patience has grown immensely (we used to think we were patient people - ha!). Messes don’t undo us, tight finances don’t cause us as much stress. Lack of sleep is, well, just a thing that happens sometimes.

Looking back, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in many ways. This post is to share His goodness and encourage those who read it. Please don’t be looking at me and my abilities or lack thereof - look at Him and what He can do with a life surrendered to Him.

Lack of Sleep + Health : My older kids have been great sleepers. They’re up a bit when they’re sick, but we have had the same bedtime routine for years and they sleep through the night like clockwork. Kash has more good nights than bad now, thank God for that progress. Some nights he is up giggling and rolling around for hours, thinking it’s time to be up and playing. Other nights he will be up screaming, thrashing, crying. I pray someday he will be able to tell me what these nights have been about. Many nights I’ve gone to bed anxious and anticipating what the night will hold. The day after a bad night, my body usually hurts and my attitude is crummy. God has given me plenty of opportunities to practice trusting Him for the nighttime, and adjusting my attitude for the daytime.

You may know from previous posts that I struggle with chronic illness. God has been healing me, and I am much better than I used to be. There are still some days were I feel “stroke-y,” as I call it; the left half of my face and arm feel not quite there and I’m working extra hard to make sure my words aren’t slurring. There are days when my brain fog is thick and I have a persistent headache. There are still other days when the veins in my leg are swollen and painful. Even on those days, when I don’t know how I’ll get from point a to point b, He looks out for everyone. The next day comes and guess what? Everyone ate, everyone learned something, everyone slept and was taken care of. He gives supernatural strength, He helps me do what needs to be done and He sometimes brings other people around to carry the load.

The more life I live, the more I am convinced that our bodies are to be used up for His glory. What good are we if we spend all our time perfecting our bodies, and neglecting works of obedience the Lord puts before us? He made these bodies to be used, spent for His glory. Abused and trashed? No - taken care of, and spent. My veins are a constant, visible reminder; I can’t ever get my pre-children vein health back, but I do what I can to keep them strong how they are and don’t mind the looks of them so much anymore. They aren’t what the world would say is beautiful, but they were used to give life to two little boys and that? That’s priceless. We (I) can focus on our health so much; getting enough sleep, enough nutrients, enough water and minerals and this and that and — before we know it, we are forgetting that our God not only is the Author of our lives but also the Sustainer. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own health as well as Kash’s. Each of us has had to do a deep-dive to get to the roots of some issues, and from there we have worked to heal and maintain good health. But it is the Lord who holds us in His hands and sees to it that we get what we need. We can do our research, be informed, and make good choices for our families - and trust the Lord to it all.

Finances and Provisions : Over and over we have seen the Lord provide financially. Josh works hard at his job, we budget and watch our money closely to be good stewards of what the Lord gives us. And we pray. We make our needs known to the Lord, and wait on Him to provide. There are times when financial situations shouldn’t logically work out, and yet He sees to it that they do. Countless times He has laid an amount or a physical item on someone else’s mind to send to us, and they do in obedience. It is very humbling, and it reminds us to be attentive to ways He may be asking us to give to others. From dozens of eggs and bags of coffee to checks in the mail, He has met every single need in the time we needed it! What do we have that we did not receive (1 Corinthians 4:7)?

Obedience : These last six months have taught me that hard does not equal bad, and obedience doesn’t always feel like a joyful thing. Sometimes obedience is hard. Sometimes it’s the opposite of what we want to do. Allow me to give an example. We sat in the car outside the adoption agency in Florida, waiting until I could pull myself together to go inside and sign paperwork. This may surprise you, but I didn’t want to go in. I wanted to pack up and drive back to Maine and forget the whole thing. After meeting Kash I felt about as big as an ant ready to get squashed under someone’s foot. His needs were too much, the lack of connection between us was too much, the upheaval of my normal life was too much. It was too. much. I sobbed, and Josh handed me tissue after tissue while the kids sat in the back concerned but trying to busy themselves watching traffic. We all didn’t fully understand what we were getting into, yet the parts that were becoming real were scary. Josh reminded me of the ways God had moved over the past couple weeks. He had orchestrated all the details, from us finding out about Kash to inquiring about him to agreeing to pursue him to house preparations to travel needs and beyond. It was obvious that God was placing Kash in our family, and there was not a single step where He had been absent. Josh encouraged me gently and led me into the building to finish paperwork. I had to be obedient, trusting that what God had called us to was something He would provide the strength for.

Perhaps this is an American struggle, or maybe a Westerner struggle, but we tend to avoid situations and lifestyles that are challenging. We can be faithful to God by working hard at our jobs, serving in our churches, making sure we only watch wholesome TV shows. This is true. But what if God asks you to do something that’s just plain hard? What if He asks you to move to the bush in Africa, where no one will know who you are, so that you can minister to drunkards and teach them how to bandage their wounds? What if He asks you to take your family to another country, in order that you might open your home to dozens of children who have all experienced trauma? What if He asks you to sit in the middle of Boston and talk to homeless people, that they might know Him? What if He asks you to teach Scripture to college students, to challenge their worldviews and show them the Way? These are all real examples of things He has asked people to do! Do we brush off the conviction, saying that someone else could do it instead? Do we convince ourselves that the needs in this world really aren’t that significant? Do we think that Jesus is coming back soon, so why bother getting involved in anything outside our own comfort and wellbeing?

The God of Scripture is very clear about the purpose of our lives. It is to glorify Him and obey Him. He tells us to serve others, to care for the orphan and widow, to seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with Him. The life of a faithful, obedient believer isn’t a coast to the finish line. No, it’s a race - one for which we long to hear upon finishing, “well done, good and faithful servant.” And I can assure you, wholeheartedly - with obedience comes joy unimaginable, and peace that passes all understanding. The pain and struggles are real, but the joy and peace He gives are unmatchable. He tells us that our work for Him is never in vain, and that we will be rewarded. We serve a good, gracious King!

“He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what he has given.” Proverbs 19:17

Daily I see my weaknesses; there are so many. Yet His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Someone may look at my current load of work and say, “I could never do that.” (I’ve had a few comments as such!) And I think, well cool, me neither. Literally, I cannot do this without Him. Not only can I not do it by myself, some days I straight up don’t want to. But, obedience isn’t dependent on emotions. The amazing thing is that the Lord asks us to obey, and He equips us to do what He has asked. He gives the physical strength, the mental creativity and wisdom, the time and resources - all of it. The key is consistent, daily time spent in His Word and prayer. This is how we learn who God is and how He has created life to function, how we know what He wants our lives to look like and which things He wants us to do. Walking with Him is freedom and joy!

God is good, and He blesses His saints. I pray you are encouraged by how He has worked in my life and the lives of my family members. May you seek Him more, trust Him more, love Him more. He is worthy!

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

Children are Blessings

We live in a culture that hates children. They are seen as annoying, distracting, and inconvenient. There are so many examples of this! Summer break starts, and many parents whine about having their kids home. School starts and parents rejoice about “not having to deal” with them anymore - but then whine about how many pairs of shoes they have to buy because *gasp* their feet grew. Not that long ago - a whole three years ago - if you walked through a store, you’d inevitably see a stressed-out mother barking at her children to stop, stop, stop! (Now we place orders for pickup and avoid the chance to train our kids how to act in public!) There are bumper stickers of little faces with “financial burden on board” written next to them. Some people take it a step further and use children for their own gain, through pedophilia and trafficking and murder. It is even considered “brave” to murder a child in the womb, if it means the mom will supposedly have a better life without the child.

Now, not everyone sees children this way or treats them poorly. But our culture is very anti-children, and I am using these examples to prove that point.

Is this negative perspective on children what Scripture teaches? Are children distracting from other good works? Are they just here for cute Instagram photos and hopefully the chance to brag on their accomplishments in college some day? Do their lives have actual meaning and purpose?

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.”
Psalm 127:3

Scripture tells us that children are a heritage - a legacy; something that goes beyond one generation. They are a reward, and they were created on purpose!

“Children are not distractions from more important work. They are the most important work.”
C.S. Lewis

Children are a heritage and reward…

…when pregnancy and labor are hard, and the first few days are spent in the NICU.

…when the days are long and filled with messes.

…when they sleep well, and when they don’t.

…when they are cheerful, or chronically sick.

…when bouts of sickness rampage the whole family.

…when they learn lessons quickly, or take their time.

…when they ask uncomfortable questions and put you on the spot.

…when your plans for them pan out, and when they don’t.

…when they arrive in your family biologically, through foster care, and through adoption.

…when they appreciate your efforts for them and when they don’t.

…when they like your cooking, and when they don’t.

And on and on we can go. We don’t get to decide whether or not our children are gifts; God says they are! When the temptation comes to complain about your child, bring this truth to mind. Bring it to mind when you are tempted to compare your child to another woman’s child.

Have you ever prayed that God would allow you to see your children how He sees them? This is one way to do just that! Memorize Psalm 127:3 and train yourself to recall it in every situation. You will see more often just how your children are blessings. Your child/children were made by Him and put specifically in your family. He has given you a heritage, and a reward! Praise Him and thank Him often! We may not be able to change our culture’s view on children singlehandedly. But we can provide a home where our children know that they have worth from God, based on what Scripture says about them. Families built around the Word of God do collectively change culture over time. Be encouraged!

Friday Magnify || Baby Steps

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!”
Psalm 34:3

The Israelites are so relatable. Over and over, the Lord blesses them and does wonders for them and provides for them - and they celebrate and thank Him and then promptly forget. The days carry on and they get back to old bad habits and sins, and they lose track of how the Lord is Lord and cares for His people.

Back in April, Josh and I saw the Lord’s work in front of us as He brought Kash home to us and provided for all of our needs. We have seen His goodness over and over again. Yet I’ve had weeks of losing track, wallowing in how hard the challenges are and how there’s seemingly little progress made. I have to make a conscious effort to look back and reflect, to see that there has in fact been progress, and to thank God for His many blessings!

Four months ago, nobody in our house knew which end was up. Well, some days we did and many days we didn’t. There was a new kid who couldn’t talk and didn’t know how to help himself along and we didn’t know what to do with him. Could he put on his shoes? Nope. Could he walk up the stairs on his own? Nope. Could he play with anyone? Nope. Did he care? Nope.

Yesterday I watched as he looked my older boys in their eyes and laughed. I teared up as they took turns putting a Tupperware container on their heads and beating it like a drum. All of them. Kash. Playing. And happy about it!

The day before that I was overcome with gratitude in a hospital lab. The kids wiggled and tried to control their impulses to grab things and they did well, considering. The pleasant nurse worked hard to get a quick blood draw from Kash while another nurse and I held him with all our might, as he tried to turn himself sideways and slip out of my lap to the floor. Finally the bandage was applied and I braced myself to deal with his anger, which would inevitably turn toward me. Yet he crumpled, and turned into me so I could hold him close. No grabbing and pinching, no clenching his teeth so hard they’d break, no hatred in his eyes. He allowed me - wanted me - to comfort him. Words can’t describe how huge that was.

Later that day Levi found a bag of candy corn stashed in the basement, and we turned it into a fun reward. Levi and Caleb get a piece for each memory verse they can recite, or Psalm they can sing. Kash gets a piece for each sound he can imitate. He will now make a few sounds on demand, with good eye contact. If that’s what it takes to get him talking!

What great marks of progress! What a blessing it is to focus on them, rather than all the challenges and struggles. Lord, thank YOU!

Photo above of Kash, doing his daily morning chore: sorting silverware. Praise God!