In Mary's Arms

The angel – Gabriel – he told me You’d be coming. Told me not to worry, that I had somehow found favor with God; that God was giving You to me.

A Gift, though for most of these nine months I think I might be the only one who sees You as that. Joseph has married me still and believes – I’m so grateful God told him too. He knows You’re a Gift.

At first I thought You’d be like any other child, but special, maybe? since I’d never known a man and didn’t see how I could be pregnant. But he told me You were from the Holy Spirit, and therefore You would be holy.

It took me a minute to catch up with what he’d said after that. Holy. The babe inside me, holy?  How could this be? It humbles me.

How do I nurture a holy child? Discipline a holy child?

Oh Little One, You’ll teach me more than I’ll ever teach You.

Staring into Your eyes, sweet boy, You’re the most precious of precious babes. I’ve thought of so many things to share with You, when we get back home. For now we’ll just take each other in. I want every minute I have with You, Little One.

Those shepherds just leaving, they came to see You. Did You know who they were? I wonder what goes on in that tiny head of Yours… how much You already know. The men watched You in awe, having been told by angels that You had arrived.

Oh Little One, what have I been swept into? That the world would know You, my son, a king — the King from Heaven. God’s Son —

You aren’t mine, Little One. I thought I’d have that bond every mother has with her child, knowing I’m the one to keep You going and sustain You, nurture and teach You; that bond that’s indescribable and automatically there. It came, Sweetheart, but it’s different. I’m not Your end-all.

I’ll be here to wipe Your tears and carry You; I’ll hold Your hands as You learn to walk; I’ll teach You everything I know. But You don’t belong to me, and I wonder how much You really need me. You’re the Son of the all-powerful God.

What a gift. I suppose every child is a gift from God — surely, yes; absolutely. But You… You’re straight from God Himself, with no man involved. I don’t understand, my Dear, but I believe.

Your faith — is it greater than mine already? I don’t have much as it is. What things will I learn from You, Little One? You wrinkle Your nose and stretch those hands and I can only hold You close in amazement. God come to Earth, here in my arms.

I can’t imagine where Your life will take You, Little One. You’ll learn woodworking with Joseph, and I’m sure You’ll learn all that You can from the priests — unless You’re the one teaching them?

You’ll be a king, on the throne of David; You’re the Holy One, the Son of God. I thank God for His mercy toward me, though I’m at a loss for how to handle all of this. How best to handle You, Sweetheart.

Come closer, Little One. Let’s go to bed now and remember today. I have a feeling we’ll have to go forward slowly, one day at a time.

I love You, Little One.

I love You, Jesus.

Written by Amy Parsons.

Read the full story — Matthew 1 & 2, Luke 1 & 2.

Hearers and Doers: Valuing Proper Practice

I used to be of the opinion that if I could just renew my mind in God’s Word then I’d be well on my way towards living a sanctified life. I believed that head knowledge was half the battle and that right thoughts would surely mend wrong actions and motives.

In my circles, “Think Bible” was emphasized, and it’s important. But right thoughts are just the start.

There’s a plain, old, unromantic concept that seems to be up for grabs in our culture and that’s the idea of right practice.

Christian living (aka: doing right) may be out of fashion, but it is just as important as mental ascent to the right doctrine and is essential whether you feel like doing it or not. 

So while much of the blogosphere emphasizes correct doctrine,  I’ve noticed a failure to connect doctrine to local living. Yet, doctrine is not to be learned in a vacuum. Doctrine informs our living and demands our obedience.

Grace is the great enabler that propels us on to obedience, not a loosey-goosey spineless do-whatever-you-want stance. God would never push you to live more like the world but enables you to live counter-culturally and kingdom mindedly as we love others as He loved us. We can’t hold heaven in one hand and hell in another. Neither can Kingdom citizens live like God doesn’t care about holiness.

Psalm 37:3 Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

We have churches full of people who know all the right things. We live in a time of unparalleled access to lexicons of Biblical information but we need to ask whether the church’s practice is better off for it.

Has all of this knowledge fallen on deaf ears or hard hearts?

Knowledge that doesn’t inform our desires, can never reform our lives.

I’m sure you’ve heard someone say that they feel like a total hypocrite if they do XYZ and they didn’t feel like doing it.

“I don’t feel like going to church, so I don’t want to be hypocrite. I have to be true to myself.”– as though actions must always be proceeded by correct feelings.

Sometimes you have to put your big girl pants on and do the right thing.

Any good mother will tell you this.

I rarely feel like getting up in the middle of the night with a cranky toddler, but I do it every.single. time. Changing sheets at 2 am has never been/never will be on my bucket list. But my mother-love and desire for my kids to be cared for and the knowledge that love is sacrifice informs my actions to get up and change sheets and give hugs and reassurance whether I feel it or not. My actions may feel hypocritical in the feelings department, but they are right and good just the same.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. I Corinthians 10:31

 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. I Corinthians 6:20

Anyone who has been married for more than five years can tell you that the practice of kindness– whether you feel “in love” or not– is the great glue that keeps the home happy, and is the right course of action despite hormones, circumstances, or disappointments. It doesn’t mean you don’t acknowledge disappointment, but it means that it doesn’t become an excuse to go postal on your husband.

At the end of the day, I realize that my desires at the moment have to be re-evaluated and put into their proper place behind right practice. It looks a lot like consistency–boring old self-control–informed by the mind but practiced in the local sense in your home and sphere.

Correct practice has taken a hit in Christian circles because we don’t want to be like the stereotypical church person, the one who knows all the right things but uses that knowledge as bludgeoning tools to look down on others or be the self-appointed church police pointing out everyone’s faults, when their own life is not so hot either. (Have you noticed that these types usually have “glaring faults” and you’re like, really!? You have time to point out other’s faults, but haven’t spent much time worrying about your own? But I digress. lol) We don’t want to be that person. We’ve over-emphasized the heart and put walls up around judging outward actions.

But I need to judge my own actions and ask, Am I loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength? Am I living according to His Word? Loving my neighbor as myself?

When I self-reflect, I can see that I need right practice more than I need more knowledge, and I think many, many woman are with me in this. We know quite a bit. We want to live it out, but we get stuck in the moment to moment choices.

How can we take practical steps to embrace correct practice and good old self-discipline, and embrace God’s wisdom for living, that, as it pans out, looks an awful lot like consistent Christianity?

Well, start with what you want and desire?

Most likely, if you are born again, your desire is to live a life that loves God and glorifies Him in a real way, vs a life that seeks self glorification.

Proverbs tells us that following after Wisdom is better than anything else you might desire. (Prov. 8:11)

And when we have that wisdom in hand and heart, we are to be “doers” of the word and not hearers only.

“What God commands, He provides the power to accomplish.” David Powlison

And a quick read-through of the book of James shows us how our desires drive our choices and our everyday walk.

So, If you can’t figure out why you can’t stop hating someone even though you know all the scripture about hate being like murder, and the command to love, etc… and you realize it’s not for lack of knowledge but for lack of desire that you will not obey (desire drives actions), you have to pray for new desires, and good news!!!—-> The Holy Spirit will help with this transformation, because that’s His job, and His desire for your life before you even recognized the need.

(God wants you to do right. He’s on your side in the obedience arena. You just have to make the choice to walk in truth!)

Then we trust and OBEY.

“Lord, you want me to love that person. I want to love you by obeying you. Help me to love that person as you would.”

So, how do you identify your true desires underneath the head knowledge?  Just look for the areas of conflict or tension in your life. It’s really that simple.

Ask yourself, What do I love so much that

• I’m willing to sin to get it

• I’m willing to war with another person to get it

• I’m willing to withhold love/punish to get it

• I’m willing to neglect the Lord over it

• I go to it for comfort.

• I’m willing to isolate myself and ignore sound advice to get it. (Pr. 18:1)

These questions help me to expose any unholy desires that smack in the face of God’s Word.

Look for the sin. But then look to Christ and ask the Holy Spirit for enablement and correction.

“Lord, why am I falling in this area?”

“Why am I so prone to this sin?”

“What lie am I believing about the source of my identify and happiness?”

Then take practical steps that may seem foreign to you and may make you feel like a hypocrite but that you know are exactly what the Lord wants you to do.

• Be kind to that woman who has always tried to undermine you.

• Don’t return an angry response, but offer a blessing.

• Put away the Kettle Chips if you are trying to diet. Stop even buying them.

• Be consistent to spend time in God’s Word.

Walk in the Spirit. Desire to love God most and first knowing that His desire for you is your sanctification so you are both on the same page when you want what He wants.

Written by Sarah Beals of Joy-Filled Days. Used with permission.

On Guilt and Grief: Loving A Longing Sister In Your Season of Abundance

I have found myself seated on both sides of the fertility table. I have peered over my full plate into my sister's tear filled eyes, grieved by the emptiness of her womb and the pain of loss. I have also stared longingly at what my sister has been given, questioning why the tiny life I carried was not sustained while the one within her grew and flourished.

My nephew is a sort of marker for me of where our little one would be had he or she not died in the womb. My sister and my due dates were 3 weeks apart. Every milestone he hits, though I rejoice over his development, is a reminder of the milestones we will never experience with the child we lost: smiling, rolling over, sitting up, laughing, starting solids. As time has passed, the sting has lessened, but I have a feeling the sorrow will never fully subside. Because death is tragic. Because life is precious.

My first born son is a marker of this kind for someone very dear to me. I ached each time we were together while I was pregnant with him because I knew that my growing belly was a trigger for her, a reminder that her womb was empty. Even now each time I watch her playing with my son, who simply adores her, my heart aches for her over her loss. I miss her baby too.

To this day, these women are two of my dearest friends. But those initial weeks and months following each of our losses were admittedly painful and awkward, on both sides. The "survivor's guilt" that so often seems to plague the woman with full arms and a flourishing womb in the wake of her sister's grief can be a terribly lonely emotion.  It can also be accompanied by a feeling of responsibility for her sorrow, a desire to "fix" the pain of your sister, or even self-loathing or feelings of unworthiness. 

I fumbled to love my mourning sister in the wake of her loss as my belly grew. My sister who gave birth to her baby near the due date of the little one we lost has loved me so well in my grief and pain. If you, like me, find yourself plagued with guilt, at a loss for what to do to comfort your sister, or wondering how to share the news of life within you as she grieves the loss of hers, perhaps these suggestions, gleaned from my experience on both sides, may be of help. 

Let Yourself Off the Hook

You are not sovereign over life. God alone opens the womb and he alone numbers our days. You did not bless yourself with the gift of children, and being faithful to carry them to term and care for them is not a sinful stumbling block, its an act of obedience.  You are also not responsible for the loss of your sister. It was an effect of the fall allowed by God for purposes we may never understand. But we can have confidence as we see his authority over history that God knows what he's doing. Throughout scripture, fertility is so mysterious (barren women conceive in old age, the savior of the world is born to a virgin…), but what is clear is that God is sovereign over the womb, that he works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose, and that nothing happens apart from his loving and watchful eye. 

While it is true that in bearing one another's burdens we fulfill the law of Christ, weeping with those who weep does not require that we feel guilt over what we have been given in light of what they have not received. God is sovereign over the events of both of your lives, and will use you both in the life of the other. You can trust him. Let yourself off the hook as you ascribe to him the sovereignty, power, and might he possesses.

Don’t Add to Her Burden

The woman struggling with infertility or mourning the loss of life in the womb is walking through true grief. While it may very well be true that the flourishing of your family is a difficult thing for her to behold because it highlights her own lack, you do not need to be forgiven. Do not place upon your sister the burden of helping you feel at peace with the situation. Don’t cause her to feel like she needs to tell you that "it's okay" or that she's not mad at you. You are responsible for your own faithfulness to weep with her, not enforcing the commandment to rejoice with you upon her. Should she celebrate you, however, let her. Don't make it weird. Just communicate your gratitude for her role in the life of your family.

My own discomfort with my grieving sister caused me to want to rush her grief. I wanted her to be better and feel better so that things wouldn't be so awkward or feel so sad. This led to me saying unintentionally dismissive and belittling things. You don't need to burden her with a timeline that you're comfortable with for her grief. Your role is to support, encourage, and pray for her for as long as this season may last. Her grief, however uncomfortable it may make you feel, is not sin. You can affirm her lamentation as biblical. You can agree with her in her outrage over death.

Accept the Role You're Allowed to Play

We don’t always get to play the role we long to play in the grief of others, and the reality is, the fact that you are a walking trigger for the pain and trauma of your sister may mean that you are not the best person to minister to her during this season. Ask permission before acting. Don't pretend to know what she would want. Give her the opportunity to tell you.

You also should not assume that you're the person she most wants to confide in and share with, even if you have been in the past. If she asks for space, send her a resource, then respect her wishes. Loving through non face to face actions like mailing a resource or sending flowers is a great way to communicate your availability without  placing pressure on her to respond.

Entrust her to the Lord

When you don’t feel the freedom or cannot figure out how to talk to your sister, you may be tempted to talk about her. Perhaps with the intention of seeking advice or the desire to feel more involved or closer to her, you may betray details of her story or add to the drama of the situation by making the perceived chasm between you feel even wider. But rather than talking about her or strategizing to fix her situation, a better course of action is to intercede for her, and to let her know you're doing so. Praying for her is the most powerful thing you can do to love and practically help her. God knows her intimately and is able to care for her perfectly, even when you find yourself at a complete loss.

A Final Word 

Nothing about this situation is simple, but refusing to take things personally or think too much about yourself are two of the best courses of action you can take. The truth of the gospel enables us to selflessly love others. I would encourage you to move beyond these words and ask your Father for wisdom on how to love your sister well. His word tells us that he is faithful provide it when we ask.

Originally written by Abbey Wedgeworth of Gentle Leading. Used with permission.

Early Intervention and the Good News of Jesus

A friend visited me this weekend and reminded me of a post I’ve been wanting to write for years that keeps getting pushed to the back burner. This friend teaches in an elementary school, and we talked about several students she has had over the years who have had some form of learning disability or special need. Every time we talk about this, I am reminded of my own son’s early issues, and my own inner turmoil that went along with it.

I had my eldest when I was 34. At the time, I felt accomplished in a lot of ways. I had a masters degree in math education and taught at the local community college. I was deacon of women’s theology and teaching at a megachurch in Seattle. But parenting my little guy challenged my view of myself in profound ways.

We brought our tiny little guy home from the hospital (5 lbs 10 oz), did our best to gently get him into a routine, and began the long marathon of parenting. He reached all of his early milestones slowly. He didn’t walk until he was nearly two, utter discernible words until well after two, or potty train until nearly 4. Though those things do not bother me AT ALL now, they bothered me greatly early on as a young, inexperienced mother. Consistently, when with peers his age, my son was behind them in development. He cried and threw things. And if we were ever in a group setting with other parents and kids his age, he consistently disrupted the group or entertained himself away from the group.

At age 2 ½, we started a hippie neighborhood preschool. At the time, I was hoping to build relationships to minister in my community. But the Lord instead used the preschool to minister to me as I struggled to understand and parent my son. One thing was clear from the first weeks of preschool – my son was not like other kids in his class. But his teachers were kind and compassionate. They talked with me about having him tested for learning disabilities, something that at first seemed terrifying. They knew this would initially feel threatening to me and worked to show me the value of early intervention in children with learning disabilities. I got him tested, and we began speech and occupational therapy. And, sure enough, a decade later, I can clearly see how this intervention helped him. He is delightfully quirky, but he is also loving and lovable. His developmental issues no longer hold him back or disrupt our family.

If this story sounds familiar to you and your family is still in the early stages of struggle, here are some things I learned the hard way.

1. It is not your fault that your child has some kind of disability or learning issue.

During my early years of parenting, I lived in Seattle, home base of the granola mom. Though I did more natural, healthy things than some moms, I did a great deal fewer than the best natural moms in my area. I felt a lot of guilt over this, concerned by the constant influx of information on types of diets and baby foods. But more than the food my son ate, I felt great guilt in particular for not teaching him baby sign language. For some reason, I became convinced that was the source of his language struggles. At least, it was something I could latch onto that I could have done that I didn’t. He did eventually learn to talk and is quite the conversationalist now. He also reads and writes well. But even if he didn’t, I no longer believe things like baby sign language make or break verbal development. In general, the amount of moralistic information pushed on moms of young kids is overwhelming. Lots of things are moderately helpful, but that does not make them absolutely necessary.

In both secular and religious mommy circles, there is always some way we can drop the ball, starting with the first feedings after birth. From the first moments my two were born, I started down the path of mommy guilt. I am a type 1 diabetic, and I could not get my newborns started on my breast right after birth because of their dropping blood sugar (which according to some was key to starting my newborns off right). Which led to guilt that I didn’t better control my blood sugars during my pregnancy. Which led to guilt that I developed type 1 diabetes in the first place. Which is IRRATIONAL. From the first moments my boys were born, I was on the irrational spinning wheel of guilt in which many, many moms like myself have existed. Praise God that the good news of Jesus gives us another way of thinking about such information, which leads to number 2.

2. Come what may, your identity is secure in Christ. And so is your child’s.

When I say your identity, I’m talking about the qualities that distinguish your value as a person. What makes you valuable? What makes your child valuable? How do you define your own worth to humanity? How do you define your child’s? The world projects onto us the need as parents to give our children every opportunity to be great in all of the things. But when we take that responsibility on ourselves, we project it onto our children as well. In that paradigm, their self-worth and self-identity will come from how well they measure up and move past classmates and peers. Trained by the pressures from their parents, they find their identity by how they COMPARE to others. But the Bible gives a sobering assessment of that mentality – “they that compare themselves among themselves, are not wise” (2 Cor. 10:12).

Self-worth by peer comparison IS NOT WISE. It’s not wise for parents, and it’s not wise for kids. This isn’t the hope Christ offers or the peace in which He equips us to live. Just as we are saved from condemnation for our failures by grace through faith in Christ (Romans 8:1), we are equipped for the good works God has prepared in advance for us the same way – by grace through faith in Christ (Ephesians 2:8-10). Your identity—your value—rests in Christ in you. And your good works (or your kids’) will only be good when they are the ones God prepared in advance for you that you accomplish by His grace at work in you.

Be at peace, stressed mother of an out-of-sync child. In Christ, you can rest from your attempts at good works, including trying to be the best mom of well rounded kids in your neighborhood, church, or school (Hebrews 4:10). Such peace through Christ enables us for point 3.

3. Do not feel threatened by a friend, family member, or educator suggesting intervention for your child.

I did feel threatened when the preschool teachers first mentioned testing to me. I wanted them to make me feel better by saying something like, “Oh, he will catch up quickly on his own. Just you wait.” Or, “Don’t worry about what you are seeing. You don’t need to do anything extra.” But instead, they told me about studies on early intervention, particularly around ages 0 to 5. They told me of the value of facing the developmental issues head on and doing what I could to support my son in these early years so he would be better adjusted for elementary school. It meant going in for a barrage of testing and then sifting through what I could and could not do in terms of recommended interventions. I opted for speech therapy and some occupational therapy. Then we got an IEP (individualized education plan) once my son hit elementary school. God was gracious to give us an elementary school with an awesome special education teacher. And after a few years, his teachers and I decided he no longer needed the IEP. In many ways, he remains out-of-sync with other kids, but it is no longer debilitating. His weaknesses are also his strengths, and I am learning to redirect them with an eye on how these quirks are part of his giftedness for the good works God has prepared for him.

The gospel equipped me to face my son’s difficulties head on without either he or I being defined by them. If I did drop the ball in his early years, there was no condemnation in Christ. And that freed me to help him in the ways that worked for our family and his teachers. I was not earning my righteousness by producing the ultimate well-adjusted child. I was freed from the mentality of having to try all the good things. Instead, I could prayerfully take the opportunities given to me that I could do and let go of the ones I couldn’t do.

Jesus says over the woman anointing his feet with oil in Mark 14, “She has done what she could.” At multiple points in my life, Jesus’ affirmation in those words has been a lighthouse beacon for me. I don’t have to do all the things. But prayerfully, in His name, I will do what I can according to how He leads me. The good news of Jesus changes everything, including our responses when our kids need help.

Originally written by Wendy Alsup of Practical Theology for Women.