Six Months of His Strength

“Come, behold the works of the Lord!”
Psalm 46:8

“Remember when daily life was really, really hard?” my husband asked at dinner.

“Yeah,” I nodded and let out a sigh. Oh, did I remember.

Remember when it took twenty minutes for Kash to get shoes on? Remember when we had to teach him to eat, to sleep, to look us in the eyes, to walk and run? Remember how many conversations we had with our older boys as they wrestled through questions? Remember when we had to keep cleaning up bookshelves, until we realized it wasn’t worth it and just removed the things we didn’t want ruined?

“Our muscles have been strengthened,” Josh continued. “We handle things better now.”

I knew exactly what he meant. How we have been tested and tried! We don’t react to things now quite like we used to, and our patience has grown immensely (we used to think we were patient people - ha!). Messes don’t undo us, tight finances don’t cause us as much stress. Lack of sleep is, well, just a thing that happens sometimes.

Looking back, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in many ways. This post is to share His goodness and encourage those who read it. Please don’t be looking at me and my abilities or lack thereof - look at Him and what He can do with a life surrendered to Him.

Lack of Sleep + Health : My older kids have been great sleepers. They’re up a bit when they’re sick, but we have had the same bedtime routine for years and they sleep through the night like clockwork. Kash has more good nights than bad now, thank God for that progress. Some nights he is up giggling and rolling around for hours, thinking it’s time to be up and playing. Other nights he will be up screaming, thrashing, crying. I pray someday he will be able to tell me what these nights have been about. Many nights I’ve gone to bed anxious and anticipating what the night will hold. The day after a bad night, my body usually hurts and my attitude is crummy. God has given me plenty of opportunities to practice trusting Him for the nighttime, and adjusting my attitude for the daytime.

You may know from previous posts that I struggle with chronic illness. God has been healing me, and I am much better than I used to be. There are still some days were I feel “stroke-y,” as I call it; the left half of my face and arm feel not quite there and I’m working extra hard to make sure my words aren’t slurring. There are days when my brain fog is thick and I have a persistent headache. There are still other days when the veins in my leg are swollen and painful. Even on those days, when I don’t know how I’ll get from point a to point b, He looks out for everyone. The next day comes and guess what? Everyone ate, everyone learned something, everyone slept and was taken care of. He gives supernatural strength, He helps me do what needs to be done and He sometimes brings other people around to carry the load.

The more life I live, the more I am convinced that our bodies are to be used up for His glory. What good are we if we spend all our time perfecting our bodies, and neglecting works of obedience the Lord puts before us? He made these bodies to be used, spent for His glory. Abused and trashed? No - taken care of, and spent. My veins are a constant, visible reminder; I can’t ever get my pre-children vein health back, but I do what I can to keep them strong how they are and don’t mind the looks of them so much anymore. They aren’t what the world would say is beautiful, but they were used to give life to two little boys and that? That’s priceless. We (I) can focus on our health so much; getting enough sleep, enough nutrients, enough water and minerals and this and that and — before we know it, we are forgetting that our God not only is the Author of our lives but also the Sustainer. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own health as well as Kash’s. Each of us has had to do a deep-dive to get to the roots of some issues, and from there we have worked to heal and maintain good health. But it is the Lord who holds us in His hands and sees to it that we get what we need. We can do our research, be informed, and make good choices for our families - and trust the Lord to it all.

Finances and Provisions : Over and over we have seen the Lord provide financially. Josh works hard at his job, we budget and watch our money closely to be good stewards of what the Lord gives us. And we pray. We make our needs known to the Lord, and wait on Him to provide. There are times when financial situations shouldn’t logically work out, and yet He sees to it that they do. Countless times He has laid an amount or a physical item on someone else’s mind to send to us, and they do in obedience. It is very humbling, and it reminds us to be attentive to ways He may be asking us to give to others. From dozens of eggs and bags of coffee to checks in the mail, He has met every single need in the time we needed it! What do we have that we did not receive (1 Corinthians 4:7)?

Obedience : These last six months have taught me that hard does not equal bad, and obedience doesn’t always feel like a joyful thing. Sometimes obedience is hard. Sometimes it’s the opposite of what we want to do. Allow me to give an example. We sat in the car outside the adoption agency in Florida, waiting until I could pull myself together to go inside and sign paperwork. This may surprise you, but I didn’t want to go in. I wanted to pack up and drive back to Maine and forget the whole thing. After meeting Kash I felt about as big as an ant ready to get squashed under someone’s foot. His needs were too much, the lack of connection between us was too much, the upheaval of my normal life was too much. It was too. much. I sobbed, and Josh handed me tissue after tissue while the kids sat in the back concerned but trying to busy themselves watching traffic. We all didn’t fully understand what we were getting into, yet the parts that were becoming real were scary. Josh reminded me of the ways God had moved over the past couple weeks. He had orchestrated all the details, from us finding out about Kash to inquiring about him to agreeing to pursue him to house preparations to travel needs and beyond. It was obvious that God was placing Kash in our family, and there was not a single step where He had been absent. Josh encouraged me gently and led me into the building to finish paperwork. I had to be obedient, trusting that what God had called us to was something He would provide the strength for.

Perhaps this is an American struggle, or maybe a Westerner struggle, but we tend to avoid situations and lifestyles that are challenging. We can be faithful to God by working hard at our jobs, serving in our churches, making sure we only watch wholesome TV shows. This is true. But what if God asks you to do something that’s just plain hard? What if He asks you to move to the bush in Africa, where no one will know who you are, so that you can minister to drunkards and teach them how to bandage their wounds? What if He asks you to take your family to another country, in order that you might open your home to dozens of children who have all experienced trauma? What if He asks you to sit in the middle of Boston and talk to homeless people, that they might know Him? What if He asks you to teach Scripture to college students, to challenge their worldviews and show them the Way? These are all real examples of things He has asked people to do! Do we brush off the conviction, saying that someone else could do it instead? Do we convince ourselves that the needs in this world really aren’t that significant? Do we think that Jesus is coming back soon, so why bother getting involved in anything outside our own comfort and wellbeing?

The God of Scripture is very clear about the purpose of our lives. It is to glorify Him and obey Him. He tells us to serve others, to care for the orphan and widow, to seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with Him. The life of a faithful, obedient believer isn’t a coast to the finish line. No, it’s a race - one for which we long to hear upon finishing, “well done, good and faithful servant.” And I can assure you, wholeheartedly - with obedience comes joy unimaginable, and peace that passes all understanding. The pain and struggles are real, but the joy and peace He gives are unmatchable. He tells us that our work for Him is never in vain, and that we will be rewarded. We serve a good, gracious King!

“He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what he has given.” Proverbs 19:17

Daily I see my weaknesses; there are so many. Yet His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Someone may look at my current load of work and say, “I could never do that.” (I’ve had a few comments as such!) And I think, well cool, me neither. Literally, I cannot do this without Him. Not only can I not do it by myself, some days I straight up don’t want to. But, obedience isn’t dependent on emotions. The amazing thing is that the Lord asks us to obey, and He equips us to do what He has asked. He gives the physical strength, the mental creativity and wisdom, the time and resources - all of it. The key is consistent, daily time spent in His Word and prayer. This is how we learn who God is and how He has created life to function, how we know what He wants our lives to look like and which things He wants us to do. Walking with Him is freedom and joy!

God is good, and He blesses His saints. I pray you are encouraged by how He has worked in my life and the lives of my family members. May you seek Him more, trust Him more, love Him more. He is worthy!

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

Children are Blessings

We live in a culture that hates children. They are seen as annoying, distracting, and inconvenient. There are so many examples of this! Summer break starts, and many parents whine about having their kids home. School starts and parents rejoice about “not having to deal” with them anymore - but then whine about how many pairs of shoes they have to buy because *gasp* their feet grew. Not that long ago - a whole three years ago - if you walked through a store, you’d inevitably see a stressed-out mother barking at her children to stop, stop, stop! (Now we place orders for pickup and avoid the chance to train our kids how to act in public!) There are bumper stickers of little faces with “financial burden on board” written next to them. Some people take it a step further and use children for their own gain, through pedophilia and trafficking and murder. It is even considered “brave” to murder a child in the womb, if it means the mom will supposedly have a better life without the child.

Now, not everyone sees children this way or treats them poorly. But our culture is very anti-children, and I am using these examples to prove that point.

Is this negative perspective on children what Scripture teaches? Are children distracting from other good works? Are they just here for cute Instagram photos and hopefully the chance to brag on their accomplishments in college some day? Do their lives have actual meaning and purpose?

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.”
Psalm 127:3

Scripture tells us that children are a heritage - a legacy; something that goes beyond one generation. They are a reward, and they were created on purpose!

“Children are not distractions from more important work. They are the most important work.”
C.S. Lewis

Children are a heritage and reward…

…when pregnancy and labor are hard, and the first few days are spent in the NICU.

…when the days are long and filled with messes.

…when they sleep well, and when they don’t.

…when they are cheerful, or chronically sick.

…when bouts of sickness rampage the whole family.

…when they learn lessons quickly, or take their time.

…when they ask uncomfortable questions and put you on the spot.

…when your plans for them pan out, and when they don’t.

…when they arrive in your family biologically, through foster care, and through adoption.

…when they appreciate your efforts for them and when they don’t.

…when they like your cooking, and when they don’t.

And on and on we can go. We don’t get to decide whether or not our children are gifts; God says they are! When the temptation comes to complain about your child, bring this truth to mind. Bring it to mind when you are tempted to compare your child to another woman’s child.

Have you ever prayed that God would allow you to see your children how He sees them? This is one way to do just that! Memorize Psalm 127:3 and train yourself to recall it in every situation. You will see more often just how your children are blessings. Your child/children were made by Him and put specifically in your family. He has given you a heritage, and a reward! Praise Him and thank Him often! We may not be able to change our culture’s view on children singlehandedly. But we can provide a home where our children know that they have worth from God, based on what Scripture says about them. Families built around the Word of God do collectively change culture over time. Be encouraged!

Seven Years!

We finally got out on a date (thanks Mom!), and realized we don’t have many photos together - so we attempted selfies in the truck and this is the best we got. At least it’s documented; someday our kids will laugh!

Once there was a young girl in New Hampshire who wanted to get married and take in lots of children. She envisioned dirt roads and bugs and tile floors and ceiling fans. Walking to the market, visiting people along the way, attempting to teach the multitude of children addition and subtraction and how to read. She spent time in Belize and Mexico and looked eagerly for opportunities, yet the Lord kept her in the States. She wrote regularly to a friend, sharing things she’d learned and what she hoped for. Maybe someday her dreams would come true.

At the same time there was a young man working hard at a machine shop in Idaho, wondering where he’d meet a girl he could marry. His family was preparing to move to Brazil, and he decided to go with them and see if there were any orphanages in need of help. Plans changed, and they moved to Ecuador instead. He spent time learning the culture and getting to know people. But he had been writing regularly to a girl for years now, and it was becoming apparent that they should spend time in person.

The girl with big dreams and the man interested in pursuing her met for the first time in the Portland, Maine jetport, nervous and shaky and slightly shocked at the minimal height difference. They took each other’s hands and agreed to get to know each other better.

Less than a year later, in a beautiful barn with family and friends (and a chicken behind the pastor, because God is funny), they washed each other’s feet and vowed to serve each other for the rest of their lives. And off they went into the sunset.

That was about seven years ago, and we are still washing each other’s feet. Not literally, very often, but certainly figuratively. He sacrifices for me and I for him. Most of the time with good attitudes, and someday with chickens.

The Lord blessed us quickly with two wonderful boys, and a few months ago He brought a third little boy into our family via adoption. We have plenty of dirt and bugs and walking around barefoot as I had envisioned - but the landscape looks a bit different. Our little house is full of little people and I am attempting to teach them addition and subtraction and how to read (with success, thank the Lord!).

The days are busy and messy and oh-so-sanctifying. We get to the end of some days and conk out before we can debrief. There are many learning curves and things to juggle, many mistakes and times to ask forgiveness. There are meals around the table and dinner conversations we treasure. There are times of singing together and praying with each other and giving lots of hugs and kisses. We love our family.

Marriage has been an incredible gift to us. That God would see each of us, in different places, and bring us to spend our lives together - how amazing! I’m immensely grateful for Josh and all of our similarities and differences. God has taught us how to work well together, how to compliment and encourage each other. We have each other to lean on for every challenge, and we share the joys and sweet times. Has it been easy? Ha! Nope. But we thank God for the hard times, and for His Word - because with His Word as a guide, we have found that rough patches can turn quite a profit. Our marriage has been edified and strengthened greatly, and we are better people for it.

Here’s to seven years, Babe. You’re my favorite and I hope we have many, many more years together. I love you forever!

We Adopted!

It had been a year since we’d signed on with our wonderful consultant, Dawn. Three years since we began pursuing adoption. We had seen children’s situations come through, and had presented our family profile to some. Some we never heard about again, others we were told were a no-go. We began to have hard conversations. Maybe we should pause? Stop altogether? We called Dawn and talked it through with her, deciding to make a last-ditch effort in the remaining two months of our contract. That was a Monday. We got an email that Tuesday evening, and saw it Wednesday afternoon.

Urgent situation: 3.5 year-old-boy, reportedly autistic, born drug-addicted with one kidney. Nonverbal, not potty trained. Staying in cradle care homes, needs permanent placement asap.

We read the email over a couple times and thought about it.

“We don’t really have enough info to be able to say yes,” Josh said.

“We don’t have enough info to be able to say no… Can I ask some questions?” I asked him.

He agreed to ask and get more information. It could be a situation way over our heads, or it could be doable.

The more we found out, the more our hearts broke for this little boy. He deserved a loving home. We shared his name and some of his story with our biological boys, and we asked God for wisdom. Our boys talked about the things they would share, and all that they would teach him and show him if he came to live with us.

“Does he have a mommy and a daddy?”

“He does, but they aren’t taking care of him.”

“Does anyone care about him? Where is he staying? What does he like to eat?”

We prayed and prayed and kept asking questions and obtaining information. God kept sorting out details before we knew they existed. We committed to pursue Kashton, and the rush began.

The house was quickly rearranged and cleaned, and the four of us packed up to drive to Florida. Two weeks after we had heard of his situation, we were down in his State to meet him.

Kash was staying with a third cradle care family (similar to foster care, but not State-run) when we arrived. They are a wonderful Cuban couple who only speak Spanish. We had a translator for the first meeting, and an app for the interactions that followed. Our limited Spanish vocabulary was put to the test! We learned all that we could about how Kash had been doing; his behaviors, sleep patterns, food and drink intake, progresses and regressions. Kash stayed isolated and refused to interact, but after some time Levi and Caleb got him giggling and playing on one of the beds. Kash’s caregiver began to cry, as she hadn’t seen him open up and interact that way with any other children.

The second day, we took him out with us to a local playground where he promptly took off running. His poor balance combined with a rough night of sleep the night before resulted in more of a free-fall than a run and he toppled over a few times before sitting to play with the grass. We played a bit, then fed everyone lunch and brought him back to the house for nap time.

The third day, we packed up our belongings from the friends’ house we’d been staying at, picked up Kash and arrived at our first Airbnb. We took placement of him the following day, and he has been with us ever since.

That was five weeks ago. And it turns out, this is in fact way over our heads – and because of Christ, it is doable.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”
James 1

We have clung to this chapter in Scripture. Never did we think adoption would be easy – yet, like all of life, it’s impossible to fully know the difficulties until they are experienced. Our faith has been put to the test, and we have questioned ourselves.

Why are we caring for this little boy? Because God asks us to care for the orphan, and He gently and firmly set Kash in our laps.

How will we meet Kash’s needs? “God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). Quite frankly, we can’t meet all of Kash’s needs. Not on our own. Only Christ can give us the strength physically, the wisdom to know what he needs and when, the right resources at the right time.

What about our bio kids and their needs? Do we not think the Lord sees them too? Of course He does; they are not forgotten. They have been on this journey with us from day one, and they know what Scripture says. They know God asks us to care for others, and they have jumped at the opportunity. Their world has expanded dramatically as they’ve experienced another State and culture (Florida and New England are not the same, y’all), and as they’ve spent time with a child who does not talk or think like they do. They are learning more to take all of their needs to the Lord, and it is a beautiful thing. They have accepted Kash and chosen to serve him. Josh and I are so proud of them.

What a crash-course for maturity this has been. The first two weeks we were home, I was sure this boy would break us. But Josh pulled out James 1 and we read it over and over and over. God has proven Himself trustworthy and sufficient for each of our trials.

“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”
Ecclesiastes 7:8

This verse is forever in the front of my mind. When we first got Kash, he would not look at us. He would rarely lift his head. His mouth made one sound, a low “ooooh” that would come out as he flapped his hands over a book. He snatched books and toys and held them tight if I tried to move them aside. His steps stuttered and his feet dragged and he wobbled as if constantly drunk. He struggled to climb a playground structure. He only drank strawberry milk and did not feed himself. He would shake and become fearful at bedtime. He would wake in the night screaming, crying, thrashing – inconsolable, for hours on end.

The first night we had him, I placed his hand on his spoon and showed him how to bring food to his mouth. He was thrilled. From that point on, he has been determined to eat his food by himself. Fast-forward to now, just over a month later, and he will look us in the eyes. He has added “mah” and “may” and “bah” and “yah” to his vocabulary, and you better believe we rejoice with each sound! He trusts that if I move a book or toy, he will come back to it and therefore doesn’t hold on tightly. He walks a little straighter, his head stays up longer, his feet don’t shuffle quite as badly. He can climb up and down stairs with minimal help. He drinks water-diluted juice all day and his beloved plain milk at bedtime. Bedtime is no longer a scary ordeal, and his bad nights don’t last quite as long.

A week ago I brought him to the bathroom to change his diaper and figured I’d set him on the potty to get him used to it. Potty training was something I planned to do months later; there are other, higher priorities. But he sat there and peed, like he’d been waiting his whole life to use a toilet. I jumped for joy, he smiled real big. We still have to work on communication so he can tell us he needs to go potty, but for now we make frequent trips to the bathroom and he is happy to have more dry diapers.

With God’s help, he will continue to make progress. God has seen fit to show us which needs to address first, how to adjust diet to help him function better, how to keep our family routine and assimilate Kash into our family life. God is showing me how “the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” – many times I would much rather hold onto my comforts and plans, yet He asks me to be patient and equips me to do so. This is an intense learning process for all of us, but we trust that the end will be better than the beginning!

We had asked the Lord to send us children, and specifically the children who were hard to place. We sought out private adoption as other avenues had failed – and we waited for the unlikely chance that there would be a child older than a newborn. He surprised us, in His timing, and provided the means to go get Kashton. He has cared for each of us. He saw that our finances were taken care of, even last-minute. He worked out an appointment to get our van serviced right before we headed down, and nudged friends to send clothes and gifts for each boy so they’d be ready upon our arrival back home. He located us close to Dawn during our first week in Florida, and she graciously opened her home to us and reassured me when I was scared and in tears. He worked out our rental stays, as we had to wait day-to-day for clearance to leave the State. The final rental especially was a gift – the exact dates we needed were the only available dates, and we received a discount since it was very last-minute. It was on a farm in horse country, and we had freedom to walk around and pet the animals. How sweet it was to have that time together, and to have things to do just outside our door. God has taken good care of us.

Praise the Lord with us, for His goodness and His perfect timing! And join us in welcoming Kash to our family. Finalization will happen months from now, but he is finally home for good. Thank God!

“So we, Your people and the sheep of Your pasture, will give You thanks forever; we will show forth Your praise to all generations.”
Psalm 79:13