Let Me Tell You a Story - Part 2

Sirens screeched as blue and red flashes lit up the street. I held him tighter and looked outside, wishing it was just a nightmare and the vehicles were really there for something else.

Please Lord.

Everything was a blur. Vitals. Papers. Phone calls. Find clothes, pack a bag. No, I’m not letting go of him. Yes, look wherever you need to. Lights. Doors open, doors close. Are we going?

Lord, please…

A whole town watching, on edge. Tears. Here comes the chopper. Please, let me fly with him. A reluctant nod, ear protection, tighten the belt. Off we go – food, stay down.

Lord, thank You for this provision.

Landed. Searching for a railing - there isn’t one, don’t trip.

What happened? Here’s his mother - I can tell you what I know. His frantic eyes, searching, found me: locked. Can I sit with him? Sure, then tests.

Scans, needles, questions. A smile. Thank You, dear Lord.

Daddy. Another smile. Scans, needles, questions. Texts, prayers.

The agony of waiting, feeling his heartbeat.

Lord, thank You that I can be here to hold him. Thank You for holding both of us. What time is it? I’m so exhausted. My arms are shaking but I’m not about to move him. Sustain me, Lord.

Nurse arrives, he’s clear.

What?

He’s good. We didn’t find anything.

Nothing?? How?

Not sure…but you can go.

Catch my breath, the shaking pauses. Relief. Awe. How?

---

I’d never prayed so hard. Never cried out to the Lord in such desperation, begging Him to hold my boy and let him miraculously be alright. Never have I held my little one so tight. I lived on edge weeks after the accident, waiting for something to take a turn for the worse. Waiting to see that everything wasn’t actually alright. What if this? And what if that?

We can’t live in what-ifs.

Live in thanksgiving.

How? How do you live in thanksgiving, when life is fleeting before your eyes? How, when you don’t know if your son will be here in the morning?

Praise.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”
Philippians 4:6-9

I knew this section of Scripture. Memorized it from a young age. And here I was, in a prime situation to use it. Written from Paul, who faced imprisonments, beatings, shipwrecks. He knew challenges, and here he was saying it was possible to have peace in the midst of them. I had thought for sure I would be firm and steadfast in the Lord when hard-pressed, someday, somehow. Yet now, I was turning the other way and clinging desperately to fear.

I fought what He says in Philippians.

No, You can’t tell me to be calm. I might lose my child. Or he might never be the same. And You want me to think about things that are true and right and virtuous and lovely and praiseworthy?

Yes.

So I tried, and my husband helped me daily.

True: our boy is home. The scans didn’t indicate anything abnormal.

Just, right: he was seen right away, doctors listened and everyone worked together.

Virtuous: many people helped us through all stages of the accident, caring and going out of their way to serve.

Lovely: somehow, there was an element of beauty below as I flew over towns in the eerie, loud silence of the helicopter. Is that even worth mentioning?

Praiseworthy: all of the above. And most, that he is healthy.

Little by little, I began to experience something I’ve never understood to this depth. This Scripture is true, and it is truly comforting. The peace that passes all understanding? That - that is indescribable, and it only comes from the Lord.

I forced myself to praise Him even as I shook with fear. I praised Him for the little things in front of me, and I thanked Him for knowing all the big things around me. As I gave Him thanks, He reminded me that I do not hold control. What could I have done, really, to have any control the night of the accident? What could I have done, really, to control things in the helicopter or hospital? Nothing. We don’t control things.

The what-ifs come and I can think through scenarios, but then they must go because they aren’t mine to determine. He is trustworthy. The next step may be terrifying or it may be easy. It may be another degree of pain, or it may be a relief. God knows, and He gives the strength and peace necessary for each moment. He is not absent! He knows, and He is so ready to help us and heal our broken hearts.

I wish I could describe this better for you, but you won’t know it by my words. You’ll only know it by His. Practice it in the simple things - give thanks when it’s easy, find virtue and honorable things out of habit. And when harder things come, employ the same routine. You will learn of His peace, and you will never want it to leave.

…to be continued…

Let Me Tell You a Story

This has been years in the making, and I have often prayed of when to start writing. When to share. The pieces haven’t been there - it always has been not yet. But now, it’s time.

I am going to share fractions of how the Lord has worked in my life. I’m not sure how it will look and where it will go - He isn’t done yet, of course. I don’t have a story tied up with a bow. But my deepest desire is that I will convey His goodness, and that you will come away with two things:

Pain isn’t bad, and God is always trustworthy.

---

Josh and I talked about adoption before we ever started dating. He was moving with his family to another country, and he entertained thoughts of how to get involved in an orphanage there. Him, fresh into life in a new country; me, fresh out of life in a new country. Both: a desire to care for those who didn’t have a family.

I was heartbroken to leave that particular mission field. But I thought someday the Lord would bring me back; I had grand plans and all. I knew He had led me to return to the States, as much as I didn’t want to. I thought for sure He would move me back once I’d gotten married. The house I walked past almost daily, the one I’d researched from the sale listing and figured out how many bedrooms I could turn it into – it would wait, right? He could make that happen.

Josh and I got married and settled into our 642-square-foot apartment. Tiny by our standards, lavish by others. I looked out our bedroom window at the sparrows that always sat on the wires. You look after their every need…and You look after mine. Thank You. Would you bring us back there, please?

I longed to go.

Year after year, to this day, my husband still grins when he asks, “has it been three months? You’re about due for a need-to-move itch.”

Over time the yearning for that specific country has waned, as I see such need elsewhere. But my longing to move resurfaces every few months. I long for warmth and sun. for barefoot babies and gardens. for a home with many bedrooms, space for many children, land - that we can afford. And yet He has us here, in a cold little New England town, with many of our dreams out of reach. Contentment is something I’ve had to fight for.

“You want how many kids?” people are always surprised.

“Ten,” I say. “Or more.”

“Is your husband okay with that?”

“You kidding?” he pipes in. “I want as many as the Lord will give us.”

And here we are, with our two sweet boys. Immensely grateful and wondering what His timing is for bringing us more.

Instead of a house with many bedrooms, we are in a duplex with two bedrooms. Instead of acreage and gardens and animals, we share a backyard and have been trying our hand at raised beds in a corner of the lot. Instead of great health, I am forced to put many things (like childbearing) on hold.

I could complain.

But I know that His ways are good and we are where we are because He wants us here. So, I look for the blessings and I turn this waiting into a classroom.

We have plenty of space for our family. We have a yard to play in and let the dog run in. We have the ability to get creative with garden space, and the time to learn and get good at growing food on a small scale. We share the duplex and yard with my brother and sister-in-law, which has been one of God’s greatest blessings to us all. Josh and I have time to focus on training up our boys and setting a family rhythm before adding more children in. I have time to get healthy. There are countless other thanksgivings I could share.

God does what He wants when He wants, and there is no better way.

So I wait, and wait some more.

To be continued…

Loaded With Benefits || Friday Magnify

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.”
Psalm 34:3

This week my boys and I have been working to memorize this verse:

“Blessed be the Lord,
who daily loads us with benefits,
the God of our salvation.”
Psalm 68:19 (NKJV)

What does it mean to bless the Lord? What are benefits? What is salvation?

We’ve worked through these questions and talked about the verse. It has been a wonderful reminder for me as I walk them through it. That middle line has struck me!

“Does God give you one little bird to sing in the morning,” I asked the kids. “Or does He send a bunch of them, chirping from trees and fences and puddles?”

A bunch! Everywhere!

“Does God let you start playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O and then stop you in the middle - sorry, you’ve had too much fun for the day?”

Giggle. Nooooo…

“He doesn’t! He gives you so many good things and so many fun things every day, doesn’t He?

Yes!

I love the phrase: He daily loads us with benefits. Daily! And LOADS! He surely does.

The ESV writes it this way:

“Blessed be the Lord,
who daily bears us up;
God is our salvation.”
Psalm 68:19

We can see that He upholds us and He blesses our days immensely. It may not feel like it; some days are dark, are they not? But this Scripture is truth. He loads us with benefits, He bears us up - daily.

Keeping this in mind we can look at our days expecting His blessings. (Making sure our definition of blessings is ever adjusting to be like His definition of blessings!) His blessings are plentiful. He bears us up with joy and peace and beauty.

Look for His goodness, and you will find it. Magnify the Lord with me!

His Presence || Friday Magnify

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.”
Psalm 34:3

The waves broke and water swirled around our feet, bringing shrieks of cold joy from our boys. My husband and I laughed, watching them chase the water and then run as it chased them back. The ocean is magnificent.

Alone on the beach, watching my family play, I can feel His presence. I know His care, as He orchestrates every water molecule to ebb and flow and crash and recede. I know His care as He provides an open space for my children to run, fresh air for us all to inhale and exhale; bright sun to revive us and give us warmth.

Sometimes the bustle of the day distracts me from knowing His presence. Stress, fear, concerns, an abundance of tasks - they push their way in and I forget what truth David has said about God:

“Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?”
Psalm 139:7

He is always present with those of us who believe. He never leaves us nor forsakes us (Heb. 13).

He knows our days and what they hold before we do. He is ever present through each of them. As I open cabinets to pull breakfast together, He is there. As I process recent events, He helps me through. As I load up our van with children and things, He is there. As I await news, make phone calls, freshen up garden beds, look over schoolwork - He is there. And He is there as I wash dishes and talk with my husband and retire to bed. From start to finish, and in between, He is here.

It’s not always a feeling, but it is always a fact.

What other god is ever with us? What other god could ever hold us as He does, comfort us as He does, lead us as He does? What other god can listen and understand? What other god can advise us on what to do, and how to do it? What other god sees our failures and still calls us His?

Only the one true God, the Lord. How merciful and kind He is!

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139