Are We Training Our Children to Gain the World But Lose Their Souls?

You’re a good mom. You’re a good dad. You want what’s best for your kids. You sacrifice to provide for them. You forego vacations and skimp on retirement savings to give them good gifts. 

In the affluent West in 2018, those good gifts often take the form of youth sports. In fact, 63% of American families spend $100 to $500 per month, per kid, on youth sports (USA Today). There’s an unspoken rule among us that says, The more we invest in our kids’ sports, the better childhood they will have, and the more successful adults they will be.

We sign them up for t-ball, baseball, and softball as early as allowed. We shop around for the best soccer team, and then drive across town multiple nights a week for practice. And we commit every summer weekend to swim meets. 

We want them to be good teammates, to have a good work ethic, to get good exercise. We want them to be socialized, and not indoors in front of screens. We even see the opportunity for a future college scholarship.

The youth sports season forms the rhythm of life for good American parents who are doing their best. 

We Want to Give Good Gifts 

Our hearts are in the right place. Even though we are fallen, we are still like our Father in heaven, so it’s our intuition as moms and dads to give good gifts to our children. That has always been true across cultures and throughout time. 

Jesus referenced this in the Sermon on the Mount when he asked, “Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?…If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:9, 11).

But what if, in our effort to equip our children for a lifetime of success, we’re actually setting them up to hear the final, terrible words, “I never knew you; depart from me” (Matthew 7:23)?

As we strive to be good parents and give good gifts to our kids, is it possible that we’re instead showing them how to gain the whole world and lose their souls? 

The Best Gift

We can’t miss Jesus’ words on this. He said, 

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26)

If we want our children to find life, they must deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow Jesus. He is actually the best gift. He said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).

Indeed, traveling with the hockey team will impart lifelong lessons. And rising through the ranks of youth tennis will yield great confidence. These gifts are not sinful, or immoral, or even necessarily unwise. But Jesus calls us to put them in their proper place. They are good gifts, but they are not the best gift—and they might even have to be lost for the sake of gaining Christ. 

Taking Jesus’ warning to heart, we moms and dads must ask ourselves if we’re exerting as much enthusiasm and effort and energy on our kids’ spiritual lives as we are on their athletic achievements.

If we are truly dedicated to giving our kids good gifts, we must give them the good news about Jesus.

How to Present the Best Gift

A recent survey asked Christian adults who were raised in Christian homes about the spiritual disciplines present in their homes while growing up (Lifeway Research). Researchers wanted to find out what their parents had done to raise kids who continued to follow Christ long after they left home. 

Here are the five most common activities reported as being practiced in the homes of these Christian adults: 

1. The child regularly read the Bible. 

2. The child regularly spent time in prayer. 

3. The child regularly spent time serving in the church. 

4. The child regularly listened to Christian music.  

5. The child participated in church mission trips or projects. 

Rather than shaping our lives around youth sports, let’s consider shaping our lives around these abundant-life-giving activities. Let’s consider, as families, how we might be in the Word, pray, serve, worship through music, and pursue missions. These practices will lead all of us into a deeper and more joyful walk with Jesus (John 15:10-11). 

Of course, we know that our salvation and our children’s salvation from the penalty, power, and (one day) presence of sin is not dependent on us. Only God can reconcile each of us to himself. Paul says in Ephesians, 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not the result of works, so that no one may boast. (2:8-9)

Though Christ alone accomplished the work of salvation—through his suffering, death on the cross, and resurrection—we still toil with all his energy that his Spirit powerfully works in us to proclaim Jesus to our kids (Colossians 1:29). May we obediently present Jesus over and over to them (Matthew 28:19), and then trust in him alone to do his good and perfect will.

Is Presenting This Gift Your Priority? 

Parents, let’s ask ourselves: Do we really believe that Jesus is the best gift we can present to our kids? Do our schedules and homes reflect these values? Do our words and lives and hearts profess that he alone is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6)? 

For what will it profit a child if he gains the traveling team and forfeits his soul? Or if she gains Junior Olympics and forfeits her soul? 

As we strive and sacrifice to give our children the good gifts of this world, may we not lead them to forfeit their souls. May we teach them to lose their lives for Jesus’ sake. May we show them abundant life in him. 

We want to be the best parents we can be, so let’s present our kids the best gift we can offer.

Originally written by Jen Oshman. Used with permission.

Psalm 40

Psalm 40 dropped a truth in my lap in the span of three little words. It starts with an example of patience and went on to list several promises of being heard by God and being saved by God and being protected by him as well. Then, in verse two, it says, “He set my feet on solid ground.”

Did you catch that? “He set my feet…” I don’t know about you, but my whole life I have read this scripture with the emphasis on the end—on the solid ground part. And I was grateful. Solid ground sounds about where I need to be. A safer place than sandy shores or sinking mud, which are the two places I seem to land when left to my own devices, or when I let fear take over. So, at least once a week.

It’s about different things, but it’s the same old fear. I am fearful to be known. I have fear my kids will turn crazy once they get enough freedom. Somedays I am scared I will never be healed. Other times fear comes in when I think too deeply about what my husband is looking at on his phone. I mean, I think it’s on the up-and-up, but I don’t really know. It could be anything. I go through panic and extreme faith like I am on an endless roller coaster. I don’t want to function this way, but I am human, and my imagination is too big for my own good.

It’s in these chaotic spaces that God nudges me in scripture or through prayer and reminds me I am not a pawn—moved here and there at the enemy’s whim. I am actually a daughter of the most-high priest; a warrior meant to change a nation as I take each thought captive and replace it with God’s truths. A woman after God’s own heart. Made in God’s image and capable of bringing glory to God with my story.

So, while solid ground is really important, what really matters here is that he sets my feet. God sets my feet. He pulls me up and out and closer to him and sets my feet exactly when and where he wants me.

This psalm goes on to make another amazing claim. In verse three, it says that others will be changed because of what I allow God to do in my life. I have to choose to let him place me, but then he takes care of the rest—including the parts that bring others to his kingdom because he’s miraculous in my story. And isn’t that the point of everything we go through—good and bad? For God to be glorified, so others are drawn to him.

Take a look around and ask God, “where have you set me? Am I open to letting you use my story any way you see fit? Lord, show me where I need to surrender a little more. Help me set fear behind me and choose you who are the same today as you were yesterday and will be tomorrow. Set me feet as you see fit.” Amen

Written for Strength & Song by Shontell Brewer.

God Knows

Nothing about me is hidden from you!
I was secretly woven together deep in the earth below, but with your own eyes you saw my body being formed.
Even before I was born, you had written in your book everything I would do.

Psalm 139:15-16 CEV

Do you ever feel like God has stepped out for a minute and isn’t paying attention? Or, perhaps it seems like a long time since you’ve “heard” from Him. Could it be that the subtle messages He’s sending are hidden in plain sight? Sometimes life is so distracting and overwhelming that we miss those little icons of hope and guidance God leaves for us in the chaos.

Recently, just after New Year’s, we went to Disney World with our two adult sons. It was the first time we had all been together at Disney since they were teenagers. The Holiday crowds had not left. There was hardly enough air to breathe let alone space to walk. Lines were long, rides broke down and we were feeling, well, not as happy as the happiest place on earth should make you feel. We did have fun, even waiting in line, playing trivia games and laughing way too loud. We were the crazy, joyful family that people rolled their eyes at but secretly wanted to join. Still, after the third time of standing in line for an hour only to have the ride break down and have to leave, we were discouraged. Then, I found Mickey. All the times I had visited in the past I never noticed the little Mickey symbols embedded in the most unlikely places. It was a sign to slow down and enjoy the little things they had to offer.

Walt Disney is no match for God’s creativity. He too leaves us signs of His thoughtfulness and attention to detail. When I am looking for Him in the everyday, expecting Him to show up in unlikely places, I see Him so clearly. Just last week I had several God symbols placed strategically in my path at the “right” time. On three different occasions God led me to a scripture passage or topic and reinforced the message through odd encounters that no one could have planned but God.

First, after preparing to teach a women’s Bible study on sexual purity, I searched for an audio teaching on the topic for more insight. I was on my way to the gym and wanted something quick. No luck. So, I hopped in the car and turned on the Christian radio station. David Jeremiah was on, which was odd because his program should have ended fifteen minutes earlier. Also surprising was the topic. He was teaching from Proverbs on sexual purity using the very same verses I just studied! In the same way the Mickey on the manhole cover revealed Walt Disney’s genius, God was showing me He was the master of detail. God knew what I needed to hear. He also knew I would miss it if He didn’t change the timing. The programming was off by fifteen minutes but God wasn’t! Okay, it’s not quite like “making the sun stand still,” but can I get a “wow?” Yes, He could have ushered me out to the car earlier but He chose to make it obvious, like the Mickey symbol I had never noticed before. So clear. So cool.

The second “God symbol” was in Acts, chapter one. (I’m reading the Bible chronologically and this is where I happened to be that day.) Again, while driving, I turned on the radio and heard Chuck Swindoll reading from Acts, chapter one, preaching about Jesus’ ascension. His focus was on the joy the disciples felt after Jesus ascended, verses the depression they felt after His death. They understood the big picture. Their eyes were opened and they were filled with joy. They knew they had a job to do and they had a promise. None of this occurred to me that morning. I had failed to meditate on the word, even though I read it. But, God had more for me.

I discovered the last “God symbol” after having lunch with a friend who was navigating conflict with friends. She had been rejected by two friends in the same day. The two incidents were unrelated and not her fault. No grace, no love, just yuck. Ouch! After encouraging her and sharing what I knew from life and God’s Word about healthy, Godly friendships, I went home. As I was preparing dinner that night I decided to listen to the In Touch podcast by Charles Stanley. Guess what? The program was called Right Relationships! Stanley talked about how Jesus is our perfect friend but He made us for relationship. Then he went on to share what a healthy, Godly friendship looks like. He quoted Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times.” I quickly sent the link to my friend and thanked God for His ever-present help.

Imagine, everywhere you go and everything you do, God is a part of your journey. God revealed so many wonderful truths to me in a very short period of time but the over-arching truth–the aha moment– is that God is with me! He is my intimate friend. He guides me and loves me through His Word, His Spirit and through other people. He makes Himself known in miraculous ways, proving that He is real, loving and knows our name. My friend, God is Good. God loves His children. God is intimately involved in our lives. God is always with you. God’s timing is perfect. God knows…you.

But God has revealed it to us by the Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
1 Corinthians 2:10

Originally written and published by Marlene McKenna of havhope. Used with permission.

Do You Regret Having Children?

A recent article in the New York Post highlights a Facebook group entitled "I Regret Having Children." The online group is a place for moms to share their regret without shame. The comments range from the typical grumblings that I think most parents utter when they’re tired to very strong lament and ideation of leaving one’s children behind in pursuit of the life she lost:

It’s not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son.

I’m desperately sad. I love my children very much but I preferred life before and I want it back.

I’m just a frazzled mess all the time with no confidence. I wake up and cry knowing it’s just another day of dealing with crying arguing whiny children.

Since having them I’ve become increasingly bitter, depressed and angry. 

All parents at one time or another have looked longingly back at the days before they had kids and marveled at the freedom and productivity they once possessed. When tending to a fussy baby in the middle of the night, it’s normal to realize that your pre-parent life was a lot easier. But what leads to regret year after year? What causes some moms to never stop wishing their children away? And how can we help?  

Based on my years in women’s ministry, the many hours my husband and I have spent counseling couples, and—let me be honest—hard looks into my own selfish heart, I can see four primary reasons today’s parents live with regret:

1.  Seeking fulfillment in the wrong place

Regret is not unique to parenthood. People regret taking jobs, getting married, and even going into ministry. When we seek ultimate fulfillment in temporary roles and things, we are disappointed. While these things may indeed provide good gifts, they will never fully satisfy our hearts. 

It is in God alone that we find deep, lasting fulfillment. Scripture tells us that, “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11) and “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst’” (John 6:35).  The New City Catechism reminds us that God is our creator and he made us to “know him, love him, live with him, and glorify him. And it is right that we who were created by God should live to his glory.” 

In our consumer-driven culture we are persuaded daily that joy will come when we get married, get the new car, move into the bigger house, have a baby, and carry the latest designer baby bag. Our flesh wants cheap satisfaction in the things of this world—but if we seek ultimate fulfillment in any role other than being created by God for his glory, we will be disappointed and have regret. 

2.  The idol of autonomy 

At this moment in human history, it could be argued that the right to self-determination is the highest value of western civilization. Our quest for autonomy is insatiable. We have laws and cultural norms that deem any boundaries or hindrance on one’s human freedom to be outdated and oppressive. This cultural mood of “I can be who I want to be and no one can tell me otherwise” leaks into all of our relationships, including parenting. These messages so permeate our surroundings that when anything hinders our freedom we cry foul. And so it is with children. 

3.  Imbalanced societal views of career and roles inside the home

As a woman and mom of four daughters, I see messages daily that say a women’s worth is equal to her ability to be as male as possible.  Alastair Roberts rightly says, “our culture perceives the ‘potential’ of women largely in terms of their liberation from their nature, rather than in their flourishing within the inherent directionality and order of that nature.” Women are considered oppressed if they bear children and mother them. Our society seeks to liberate us, giving us the choice to do away with our babies, so that we may thrive in a successful career outside the home. Women’s liberation is actually the “manning” of women, as Roberts says.  And so, the natural role of mother is devalued and women feel this when they stay home to parent. We feel less successful, less important, less useful, less than all the other roles society tells us to pursue. 

4.  Lack of community

A final contributing factor to women (and men) regretting having children is that we live in isolation. It is common knowledge that communal living is largely missing from western society and it is to our detriment. A Psychology Today article confirms, “One of the most destructive problems is the breakdown of community, and it is this breakdown that has often led to the breakdown of persons. Though we may put many around us, we are alone. Relationships have become superficial, there is no longer concern for the other, and we are pressed by societal and financial pressures to focus on our own survival.”  

Moms who regret having children walk through their disappointment alone. We no longer chat with each other over the fence or on the front porch. We isolate ourselves in our homes and apartments and suffer alone—often medicating our pain with drugs and alcohol. Moms don’t have friends with whom they can share their authentic discouragement. We use social media to put our best foot forward and don’t lean on our neighbors when we need help. Alone, our regret festers. 

How can we respond? 

1.  Renew our minds

As we experience regret and disappointment we must first renew our own minds. Dissatisfaction is not unique to moms—it is shared by all of us who live in a fallen world. We must fight for joy, rehearsing to ourselves the truth about the source of our joy and the purpose of our lives. Right thinking does not come naturally. Rather we must “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2). When marriage, jobs, material possessions, people, and even parenting do not deliver the on the promises we thought they would, it’s crucial that we recall that God “satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9). He will help us. He will fill us. He will meet us in our regret.

2.  Create community

Reaching out to others and creating community right where we are will not only minister to our own souls, but to others as well. The Apostle Paul knew this and therefore instructs us to “seek to show hospitality” (Romans 12:13). Building bridges, bearing one another’s burdens, sharing meals, and finding the commonalities between us works wonders in the human heart. The Psychology Today article referenced above says, “So if we are to truly be alive, to truly move beyond surviving to thriving, if we are to truly be human beings rather than alienated beings or drugged zombies, then we are going to need to return to the sense of community, to lay aside the barriers, and to be able to realize our common humanity.”  

If you are a Christian mom, I strongly encourage you to be on the lookout for other moms who seem to be alone. Pay attention to the other women at the park, or in the gymnastics waiting room, or in the elementary school pickup line. I think it’s safe to say that we often appear to have it all together, while inwardly we’d all love to share our joys and sorrows with a friend. I’ve lived back in the States now for 18 months and I can truly say that all of my new friendships began with a shy smile and a warm hello. As humans we long for connection. 

Lastly, consider starting a women’s Bible study in your home. This may seem too high a calling or perhaps out of left field. But after leading women’s Bible studies almost every single week for the last 17 years, I can tell you that there’s no better venue for meeting both the felt needs and the spiritual needs of women in your community. The necessary ingredients are easier to come by than you may think: a space to gather, a place for the kids to play while the moms talk, some coffee and a snack, a DVD player and TV to show a Bible lesson provided by a gifted Bible teacher, and an empathetic and welcoming hostess.

As of this moment in American society, it is still acceptable for a Christian woman to invite a non-Christian woman to Bible study. Having recently lived in an atheist country, I know firsthand that’s not the case around the world. However, right now in the States, one girlfriend can still invite another to come read the Bible with her and some other ladies and it’s likely to go very well. What I have seen time and time again is a believing woman invite a non-believing woman to Bible study and the new attendee is met with warmth and encouragement and new friends who “get” her station in life. This welcoming atmosphere is unlike any other she has experienced and she soon wakes up to her spiritual depravity. One thing leads to another and this new friend meets Jesus, refocuses her longings and energies, and finds true joy where she once had deep pain. I’ve seen it happen so many times.  

May we take advantage of this moment in our culture and “walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time” (Colossians 4:5). Women who regret having children need not persist in their isolation and despair. We have the antidote and we have the calling and the privilege to share it.

Originally written and published by Jen Oshman: wife, mom of four girls, missionary, writer. Used with permission.