Strong Relationships, Part 3

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, or need a refresher - go read those first and then head back here!

Priority of conversation

This is a big area that fleshes itself out in all of the priorities we have already talked about. As conversation happens regularly in our homes, we have the opportunity to know one another and build life-long relationships.

My son Grant (20) said the fact that we had already made a practice of talking, and him knowing he had the freedom to ask questions, helped him talk with us during the difficult ages of 12-14:

“Our relationship with one another had to be built on more than just living in the same house or sharing activities…or else when you get older and go to school or move away, you won’t have any means of relationship.”

Priority of dinner time together – there are 10,000 challenges to this! It is a talk all it’s own!

The goal: Sitting at the dinner table together each night should be one of the most attractive and beneficial hours of the day. Sometimes it’s not all that exciting. It’s just showing up!

Dinner time provides a wonderful opportunity to train children in the skill and character of showing an unselfish interest in others. Model for and train children how to ask follow-up questions of others so that you truly get to know one another, rather than simply speaking AT one another. As your children get older, the topics get more diverse: politics, morality, a Christian worldview, questions they have. But during the younger years, it will be more simple and instructional.

Whenever dad is going to be home, work toward that being your special meal. Honor your husband before your children. Form new habits: “Daily Daddy Download”, or Daddys’s new “after work debrief” at the dinner table, helped us all, but especially Grant, to know his dad and the stressors he was under daily at work.

Try to avoid just getting your children fed. See this time as an opportunity for all of you to have fellowship with one another. Begin with the preparation time: have one child assist you each day so that you have an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with that child. Dinner Helper was a regular and rotating part of our children’s growing up. Have another child help you clean up. Make it fun! To enjoy lively dialogue, children can take turns telling one thing they learned at school; Mom can ask and expand upon a character trait that they are working on; they can discuss a challenge they are working on at work or school. Attitudes of gratefulness for family and food can be cultivated. Take time to get to know one another, enjoy each other, laugh together. Serious situations can be discussed, prayer needs addressed. Family matters, apologies, all of it! Seize this time as very special and WORK toward one meal together a day as often as you can!

Again, I encourage you to talk early and often about all topics of importance. The Lord, His Word, faith, morality, character, sin, sexuality… Seek to create an environment that is safe, where they desire to talk to you and ask you questions about anything that concerns them before they seek out anyone else. Your goal is to be the first “voice” they hear about all matters that you truly care about. Don’t allow the culture or their peers to become the teacher of your children because you have allowed a “vacuum” simply by your silence. 

Practice while they are young - gain confidence and skill at conversing with your children about what you care about while their questions and concerns are of a less serious manner. For example, talk to them early about what God says about their bodies, gender, sexuality. Use correct terminology and use good, age-appropriate books to help you learn to dialogue about these topics.

Early conversations about these topics become critical as they come into the teen years, when so much is changing in their bodies and they are formulating their own ideas and making their faith their own. If you have already made it a practice to talk about anything and everything, they will be more likely to come to you as they try to sort things out in their mind and make right choices. 

As Rochelle shared with me, “Every family has a fingerprint, and part of what makes that fingerprint unique are the grooves that were painful.” God makes even these beautiful as He forms our greater story.

Today our three children are in their early adulthood and I am blessed to say that they are some of my dearest friends and are often some of my greatest teachers. I treasure the relationship that I have with each one of them! But I assure you that it did not come about because we had a perfect home, nor a perfect marriage. Our children did not always get along, and God was not always our highest goal, and we certainly made MANY mistakes. We still do! And so will you! But praise God our hope never lies in us. It is to God that we looked for wisdom and grace as we started our marriage and family 28 years ago, and to Him we continue to look as we seek to walk in relationship with one another each day.

One quote I’ll share:

“Even the best parenting is fraught with challenges and disappointments. There is no formula for parenting that guarantees a perfect child.… Ask God to help you in the ways you can be a better parent. Expect His assistance. In His omniscience, He knows not only your weaknesses and sinful indulgences, but your longing to be a better parent. Trust and depend on the Father who does all things with absolute perfection to strengthen your parenting. Trust Him to use you to mold and teach your child exactly according to His plan.”

He is ever faithful!

Part 3 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!

Strong Relationships, Part 2

If you missed the first part of this series, go read it here and then come back!

Priority #2: Love for your husband

Titus 2:4-5 reminds us older women to URGE the younger women to love their husbands and children. Husbands come first in that list of urgings. 

Again, I encourage you to begin as you wish to continue. 

Prioritize your husband now, even in small ways, so that your marriage remains a priority as you have more kids and life continues to become more complex. Work to make date nights a regular part of your life now and seek to be creative and continue the habit as your children grow and activities and the complexities of life increase. As with all worthwhile goals, this will not be easy, but it is still very worthwhile! 

Honor your husband. Seek to speak well of him to your children. Try not to slip into even the smallest negative digs, “You know your dad, he always…” Or “Your dad never...” In disappointment or hurt, help them to understand, forgive and pray for their dad to be the father that the Lord has called him to be. Teach them by example to bring hurts to the Lord, rather than living with bitterness.

Present a unified front to your children. You will not always agree on parenting or life, but your children should never think they can work one of you against the other so as to get their way. When you disagree, take some time to talk separately and then come back to the children with a unified plan.

This unity is one of the specifics that my oldest daughter, 24-yr-old Diane, mentioned that helped to build relationships with her. She said that it gave her a sense of security as a child to know she didn’t have the power to control and divide us; it also gave her a greater sense of respect for both parents.

Priority #3: Love for your children     

Boy this is another area that we could talk forever about. It is one that each member of my family spoke to as I asked them. Here are a few of the highlights - opportunities for you to know your child, invest in your child, and help them to trust you, so that you can speak into their life and they into yours.

Prioritize your relationship with each child - Seek to know them as individuals, separate from the family whole. Make time to be alone with them.

Take them on individual dates alone - a picnic at the park, lunch dates with Daddy, miniature golf with Mom, or simple times at home where you seek opportunity to work together and talk with one child alone while you are cooking or working on a project. Getting to know your child and helping them to know you in these times while they are young can reap dividends as they get older.

Knowing your child educationally - My second daughter, Rochelle (22) also mentioned that as we got to know her, taking the time to understand how she learned and adapting our homeschooling to best meet her needs (never comparing her to her siblings) helped her to feel loved.

Establish family traditions and celebrate milestones - Harold and I took the chance to spend time alone with each of our kids as they grew older. (Ex. Mommy and daughter over-night dates to discuss femininity and sexuality, ½ birthdays and letters of encouragement and vision from parent to child, birthdays where we go around the table and share something we appreciate about the birthday person, etc.) This will vary per family, but builds memories and becomes another chance to speak into the life of your child.

Support and invest in the interests of your children - This was big for each of our kids as they felt our presence and support in what they cared about. Sports, speech and debate, drama…

Little Daily Habits - Rochelle reminded me that in parenting, as in other areas of life, it was often the little things, the faithful choices and habits over time, that connected her heart with ours. Like taking the time at night to read together and pray with them before we put them to bed. She said that it made her feel special that we made that a priority and the nights we didn’t do it, she felt it. 

Affirming words - Affirming them before others and don’t talk negatively about them behind their backs. They should know that they can trust you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t seek wise counsel (there are times you might really need help with something to do with raising your child), but it does mean that you seek counsel with purpose, privately, and with someone you trust.

Priority of discipline - Children feel security and safety in set boundaries and dependable follow-through when they disobey.

Cultivate a culture of humility in your home. When you fail, apologize. It’s never too late! Even in the last few years we have had some sweet healing and growth in our relationships with our kids due to apologies by a parent for past wrongs.

Part 2 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!

Decision Making

Lord, You know the pull I’ve been feeling.

The pull to slow down, to stop even… to let some things go. I’ve tried in the past; I’ve let things go, rearranged my schedule, tried to rest more. But I still wonder, am I doing too much?

And if so, what things do I lessen? What things do I stop? How, Lord, do I go about any of that?

You remind me:

"But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing." 1 Thessalonians 4:10b-12

Lead a quiet life.

"the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5

Love and follow Josh. Love Levi and Caleb. Be discreet, chaste, a homemaker.

Lord, is that enough?

Is it enough to serve my husband and my children, to raise the kids, to keep our home and manage schedules?

It sounds so silly, but what if I have free time? Shouldn’t I fill it with things after Your heart? Ministry, things at church, even making some extra money so I can supplement our income and support my missionary friends?

It seems like too much. But I also don’t feel like enough. Lord, guide me and help me to keep my eyes fixed on You. You know how often I compare, and how unsettled I can become. Yet I only want what You want, Lord - so show me.

Lead a quiet life. Love your husband, love your children, keep your home.

Maybe that really is sufficient? Maybe that is what will bring You the most glory?

***

The above is a version of a prayer I prayed for months. An ongoing conversation with God, trying to sort out what He wanted for me and our family in this season. I share because, well, we all wrestle don’t we? We all wonder what God wants for us. Where He wants us. What we should be doing.

Sometimes answers come quickly, and sometimes they don’t. But one thing that will always guide us in the moment (current and future) is Scripture. It’s there immediately. And whatever Scripture says for Christians to do, that’s what we should do. When we’re faithful to His Word, other pieces fall into place.

Over time, I’ve come to realize many things. One of those things being that free time is good time. You might’ve laughed at that part of my prayer, or maybe you’re wondering the same thing. Our time should be used wisely, yes? Yes. And rest is a wise use of time. It equips us to continue going with all the other necessities - the effort into our marriages, the countless meals to prepare and serve and clean up, the disciplining of our kids and the adventures with them, the laundry and mopping and organizing. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down at naptime to read a book or paint a canvas or call a friend.

Love your husband, love your children, keep your home.

One other thing I’ve learned is that life is full of seasons. And this season with children at home is a season focused on nurturing our family. There is absolutely no guilt in that, it’s what God designed. There certainly are other things we can do at the same time, and each one of us is given our own limits and abilities. It will look different for each of us - but there are also seasons coming in which some tasks/hobbies/careers/etc. will fit better. We can do a whole lot of things - just not all at the same time. And that’s good!

May this encourage you, friend. This whole process has certainly led me closer to my Lord and Savior, and I pray the bit that I’ve shared in this post will lead you closer to Him as well.

-Amy

We Can Be Dramatic

Some mornings (okay, most mornings) we are outside early. On this particular morning, the kids were happily playing in the dirt, digging and running their trucks around. The dog was off chewing on sticks and sniffing around the yard. My bucket full of weeds was in need of emptying again. 

We brought their little trucks up to the bathtub and everyone got scrubbed. There is nothing like fresh, clean babies! Lunchtime came and went and we made our way upstairs for a nap. 

After the boys were in their beds, I grabbed the dog to bring him out for a potty break. But our dog has this malfunction that causes him to fall over in the grass when he feels the warmth of the sun. Despite all my coaxing, he doesn’t budge. And if he does, it’s only to roll onto his back with his legs in the air so I can’t easily pick him up. He’ll just lay there and stare at me, tongue out, like what? 

I scoot him over and put him on his feet again, just so he can fling himself to the side or do a somersault. Can’t make me move, I don’t want to!

I’m sure my neighbors think it’s hilarious. Cuz yanno, normally people have to walk around the yard with their dog flopping like a fish. 

Sometimes I do find it funny, but a lot of times it’s so irritating! Why can’t we just walk from Point A to Point B and back?! Why does it have to be so dramatic?

Saying it like that does make me laugh. I wonder if God ever thinks the same thing. Why can’t we just walk from Point A to Point B? Why does this have to be dramatic?!

Thankfully He is infinitely more patient and understanding with us than I am with the dog! And I wonder, how often do we make things a bit more dramatic than they need to be? God says to go one way, to walk in His commandments and pattern our lives after what He has shown us in His Word - and we have a hard time. 

He says not to lie; eh, roll over and ignore. He says to be joyful and full of the fruit of the Spirit; but I don’t like this - flop. He says to honor our husbands; nah, I’ll pull in the opposite direction. He says to abide in Him; ain’t nobody got time for that, the grass over there smells better.

Oh we can be so dramatic. And at times, straight up disobedient. But our Leader knows so much better than we do, and He is worthy of our loyalty and obedience! Let’s do better, followers of Christ. Let’s honor Him and seek to walk in the way He desires for us!

-Amy