Strong Relationships, Part 2

If you missed the first part of this series, go read it here and then come back!

Priority #2: Love for your husband

Titus 2:4-5 reminds us older women to URGE the younger women to love their husbands and children. Husbands come first in that list of urgings. 

Again, I encourage you to begin as you wish to continue. 

Prioritize your husband now, even in small ways, so that your marriage remains a priority as you have more kids and life continues to become more complex. Work to make date nights a regular part of your life now and seek to be creative and continue the habit as your children grow and activities and the complexities of life increase. As with all worthwhile goals, this will not be easy, but it is still very worthwhile! 

Honor your husband. Seek to speak well of him to your children. Try not to slip into even the smallest negative digs, “You know your dad, he always…” Or “Your dad never...” In disappointment or hurt, help them to understand, forgive and pray for their dad to be the father that the Lord has called him to be. Teach them by example to bring hurts to the Lord, rather than living with bitterness.

Present a unified front to your children. You will not always agree on parenting or life, but your children should never think they can work one of you against the other so as to get their way. When you disagree, take some time to talk separately and then come back to the children with a unified plan.

This unity is one of the specifics that my oldest daughter, 24-yr-old Diane, mentioned that helped to build relationships with her. She said that it gave her a sense of security as a child to know she didn’t have the power to control and divide us; it also gave her a greater sense of respect for both parents.

Priority #3: Love for your children     

Boy this is another area that we could talk forever about. It is one that each member of my family spoke to as I asked them. Here are a few of the highlights - opportunities for you to know your child, invest in your child, and help them to trust you, so that you can speak into their life and they into yours.

Prioritize your relationship with each child - Seek to know them as individuals, separate from the family whole. Make time to be alone with them.

Take them on individual dates alone - a picnic at the park, lunch dates with Daddy, miniature golf with Mom, or simple times at home where you seek opportunity to work together and talk with one child alone while you are cooking or working on a project. Getting to know your child and helping them to know you in these times while they are young can reap dividends as they get older.

Knowing your child educationally - My second daughter, Rochelle (22) also mentioned that as we got to know her, taking the time to understand how she learned and adapting our homeschooling to best meet her needs (never comparing her to her siblings) helped her to feel loved.

Establish family traditions and celebrate milestones - Harold and I took the chance to spend time alone with each of our kids as they grew older. (Ex. Mommy and daughter over-night dates to discuss femininity and sexuality, ½ birthdays and letters of encouragement and vision from parent to child, birthdays where we go around the table and share something we appreciate about the birthday person, etc.) This will vary per family, but builds memories and becomes another chance to speak into the life of your child.

Support and invest in the interests of your children - This was big for each of our kids as they felt our presence and support in what they cared about. Sports, speech and debate, drama…

Little Daily Habits - Rochelle reminded me that in parenting, as in other areas of life, it was often the little things, the faithful choices and habits over time, that connected her heart with ours. Like taking the time at night to read together and pray with them before we put them to bed. She said that it made her feel special that we made that a priority and the nights we didn’t do it, she felt it. 

Affirming words - Affirming them before others and don’t talk negatively about them behind their backs. They should know that they can trust you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t seek wise counsel (there are times you might really need help with something to do with raising your child), but it does mean that you seek counsel with purpose, privately, and with someone you trust.

Priority of discipline - Children feel security and safety in set boundaries and dependable follow-through when they disobey.

Cultivate a culture of humility in your home. When you fail, apologize. It’s never too late! Even in the last few years we have had some sweet healing and growth in our relationships with our kids due to apologies by a parent for past wrongs.

Part 2 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!

Decision Making

Lord, You know the pull I’ve been feeling.

The pull to slow down, to stop even… to let some things go. I’ve tried in the past; I’ve let things go, rearranged my schedule, tried to rest more. But I still wonder, am I doing too much?

And if so, what things do I lessen? What things do I stop? How, Lord, do I go about any of that?

You remind me:

"But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing." 1 Thessalonians 4:10b-12

Lead a quiet life.

"the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5

Love and follow Josh. Love Levi and Caleb. Be discreet, chaste, a homemaker.

Lord, is that enough?

Is it enough to serve my husband and my children, to raise the kids, to keep our home and manage schedules?

It sounds so silly, but what if I have free time? Shouldn’t I fill it with things after Your heart? Ministry, things at church, even making some extra money so I can supplement our income and support my missionary friends?

It seems like too much. But I also don’t feel like enough. Lord, guide me and help me to keep my eyes fixed on You. You know how often I compare, and how unsettled I can become. Yet I only want what You want, Lord - so show me.

Lead a quiet life. Love your husband, love your children, keep your home.

Maybe that really is sufficient? Maybe that is what will bring You the most glory?

***

The above is a version of a prayer I prayed for months. An ongoing conversation with God, trying to sort out what He wanted for me and our family in this season. I share because, well, we all wrestle don’t we? We all wonder what God wants for us. Where He wants us. What we should be doing.

Sometimes answers come quickly, and sometimes they don’t. But one thing that will always guide us in the moment (current and future) is Scripture. It’s there immediately. And whatever Scripture says for Christians to do, that’s what we should do. When we’re faithful to His Word, other pieces fall into place.

Over time, I’ve come to realize many things. One of those things being that free time is good time. You might’ve laughed at that part of my prayer, or maybe you’re wondering the same thing. Our time should be used wisely, yes? Yes. And rest is a wise use of time. It equips us to continue going with all the other necessities - the effort into our marriages, the countless meals to prepare and serve and clean up, the disciplining of our kids and the adventures with them, the laundry and mopping and organizing. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down at naptime to read a book or paint a canvas or call a friend.

Love your husband, love your children, keep your home.

One other thing I’ve learned is that life is full of seasons. And this season with children at home is a season focused on nurturing our family. There is absolutely no guilt in that, it’s what God designed. There certainly are other things we can do at the same time, and each one of us is given our own limits and abilities. It will look different for each of us - but there are also seasons coming in which some tasks/hobbies/careers/etc. will fit better. We can do a whole lot of things - just not all at the same time. And that’s good!

May this encourage you, friend. This whole process has certainly led me closer to my Lord and Savior, and I pray the bit that I’ve shared in this post will lead you closer to Him as well.

-Amy

We Can Be Dramatic

Some mornings (okay, most mornings) we are outside early. On this particular morning, the kids were happily playing in the dirt, digging and running their trucks around. The dog was off chewing on sticks and sniffing around the yard. My bucket full of weeds was in need of emptying again. 

We brought their little trucks up to the bathtub and everyone got scrubbed. There is nothing like fresh, clean babies! Lunchtime came and went and we made our way upstairs for a nap. 

After the boys were in their beds, I grabbed the dog to bring him out for a potty break. But our dog has this malfunction that causes him to fall over in the grass when he feels the warmth of the sun. Despite all my coaxing, he doesn’t budge. And if he does, it’s only to roll onto his back with his legs in the air so I can’t easily pick him up. He’ll just lay there and stare at me, tongue out, like what? 

I scoot him over and put him on his feet again, just so he can fling himself to the side or do a somersault. Can’t make me move, I don’t want to!

I’m sure my neighbors think it’s hilarious. Cuz yanno, normally people have to walk around the yard with their dog flopping like a fish. 

Sometimes I do find it funny, but a lot of times it’s so irritating! Why can’t we just walk from Point A to Point B and back?! Why does it have to be so dramatic?

Saying it like that does make me laugh. I wonder if God ever thinks the same thing. Why can’t we just walk from Point A to Point B? Why does this have to be dramatic?!

Thankfully He is infinitely more patient and understanding with us than I am with the dog! And I wonder, how often do we make things a bit more dramatic than they need to be? God says to go one way, to walk in His commandments and pattern our lives after what He has shown us in His Word - and we have a hard time. 

He says not to lie; eh, roll over and ignore. He says to be joyful and full of the fruit of the Spirit; but I don’t like this - flop. He says to honor our husbands; nah, I’ll pull in the opposite direction. He says to abide in Him; ain’t nobody got time for that, the grass over there smells better.

Oh we can be so dramatic. And at times, straight up disobedient. But our Leader knows so much better than we do, and He is worthy of our loyalty and obedience! Let’s do better, followers of Christ. Let’s honor Him and seek to walk in the way He desires for us!

-Amy

Strong Relationships, Part 1

There are few things a mama feels more deeply about than her children, few roles more complex and tiring than motherhood and few stakes higher. Motherhood is a weighty and wonderful role, and once you become a mama, you are forever changed. 

Elizabeth Elliot says: 

“The process of shaping the child…shapes also the mother herself. Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example.”

I’m not sure how you are feeling as you embark on this journey; excitement, fear, a sense of awe that you are now to be entrusted with this new life… I certainly felt all of those feelings and more. Don’t be afraid of your inadequacy. In humility come to the Lord and admit your need of Him. And don’t be afraid to ask questions and seek help from trusted family and friends. 

How do you “tie heartstrings” (or build relationships) with your children, so as they grow up they don’t forget their connection between their parents - even in the teenage years?

This topic is a BIG one, and one I care very much about. I speak to you today as a mom still on the journey of learning how to truly know and love my children. I may have some miles behind me, but I am now on the new journey of asking the Lord to help me continue building on the relationships I have with our adult children. Some days the learning curve feels pretty steep, and I certainly don’t always get it right, but I am committed to the same goals my husband and I started with when we had our first child almost 25 years ago. 

I have spent the past nine days writing on an ever-growing word document and randomly grabbing scraps of paper to jot down ideas that come to me as I go throughout the day. I sought the thoughts and perspective of my husband and asked each of our three kids to have them help me learn ways that we built relationships with them over the years. I realize that every one of these points could be an entire talk of their own, so I prayed and asked the Lord to help me to synthesize and get to the heart of what I wanted to say and then to trust Him. I pray that I have done that!

Four major priorities or loves kept coming to the surface as I contemplated some of the ways to build relationships with your children that will carry on from infancy to adulthood: love for God, your husband, your children and the priority of genuine conversation (which is a major part of each “love”).

Remember, strong relationships and communication in the teen years begin with patterns and conversations that you began when they are little. It’s not necessarily something new you do with your teen, but an extension of what you have been doing all along. I encourage you to talk early and often about everything that truly matters to you. Help them to know your priorities from an early age. And don’t wait until you feel like you have all the “how” figured out before you start…just begin and trust that God will help you to grow and develop the specifics as time goes on.

1st Priority: Love for God

Recently I re-read Deuteronomy 11. In verse 13 Moses told God’s people to “love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul.” In verse 18, he went on to remind them to impress the words of God on their own heart and soul and to place them physically on their bodies as ready reminders. And then he reminded them of their responsibility to teach those very words to their children all the time: “when you sit in the house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you rise up.” In both the Old and New Testaments God is very clear - God’s people are called to love Him with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength. Daily we are to impress God’s Word upon our own hearts, and then, if we have children, we are to seek every opportunity to talk about it and live it out before our kids every day. 

Clearly, this must be priority number one for all of us. This one choice will affect all else we do as moms.

You and I have been called to know our God and we have been given the wonderful privilege to read God’s revelation of HIMSELF every day through His Word! This shouldn’t be hard, but I know it is! It’s hard to make it a priority before you have kids and it will often be even more difficult once you have children. The enemy of your soul knows this too, and he will use all manner of methods to distract and discourage you from your pursuit of your God in His Word. Do not be surprised about the difficulty, and do not give up because it is so hard!

I encourage you to fight and plan for opportunities in your day to read God’s word every day. Be creative! Place a Bible by the spot where you nurse and softly read His Word over your little one as she nurses. Play Scripture put to music and or listen to it on Bible Gateway. Sing God’s Word and meditate upon it. Install a Bible app on your phone and then read it while waiting for appointments, rather than looking at Facebook or Instagram or reading your email.

As your children get a little older, help them to revere the Word of God too. A young children’s leader puts a Bible on her lap and says, “This is God’s Holy Word, and every word of it is true!” Thank the Lord with them for giving us the Bible, teaching them that the Bible is God’s revelation of Himself. Read to them from God’s Word (when our kids were really young in highchairs I read Bible picture books to them every day at lunch), and let them observe you reading the Word on your own. Talk to them about what you read in the Word together and as they get older, share with them what you are learning as well. We also read theology-type books, like “Leading Little Ones to God.” 

Begin early to set the pattern for the example you wish to continue with your children as they grow older. You want them to know that the Bible is part of your everyday life, that reading it, talking about it and using it to formulate your values and make decisions is very, very normal. Never underestimate the power of your example! 

My pastor recently said in his sermon that kids can smell hypocrisy a mile away. How true this is! Ask God to help you be a doer of the Word and not a hearer only. When you fail, confess your sin first to Him and then to your children. Model for your children humility and need of God. In thoughtful and age-appropriate ways, share some of your own weakness and struggles to your children and ways you are asking Him to help you walk in obedience. Let them see in practical ways that the Bible is useful and relevant to your everyday life and decisions, with the prayer that they will continue that dialogue with you and seek the Lord in their own life as they grow.

Never underestimate the power of your example, and know that God can bring about good in your own life as you keep this truth of your example to your children before you. 

These words come from an online article, written by a mom: “Whenever I am discouraged and tempted to give up and give in to sin, the knowledge that my children are watching me and that I am an example to them reins me in and brings me back to where I need to be.”

And don’t forget to pray for your children! Let them know how you are praying for them and ask them if they have specific requests. Pray together often about their questions, concerns or needs. Prayer can be a powerful means to build a relationship with your children.

Although we have no guarantees that our children will choose God for themselves, we have the privilege and responsibility to teach them about God and Biblical truth and to bring them to the Lord in prayer, knowing that He is the One who changes hearts.

Part 1 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama.