Are We Training Our Children to Gain the World But Lose Their Souls?

You’re a good mom. You’re a good dad. You want what’s best for your kids. You sacrifice to provide for them. You forego vacations and skimp on retirement savings to give them good gifts. 

In the affluent West in 2018, those good gifts often take the form of youth sports. In fact, 63% of American families spend $100 to $500 per month, per kid, on youth sports (USA Today). There’s an unspoken rule among us that says, The more we invest in our kids’ sports, the better childhood they will have, and the more successful adults they will be.

We sign them up for t-ball, baseball, and softball as early as allowed. We shop around for the best soccer team, and then drive across town multiple nights a week for practice. And we commit every summer weekend to swim meets. 

We want them to be good teammates, to have a good work ethic, to get good exercise. We want them to be socialized, and not indoors in front of screens. We even see the opportunity for a future college scholarship.

The youth sports season forms the rhythm of life for good American parents who are doing their best. 

We Want to Give Good Gifts 

Our hearts are in the right place. Even though we are fallen, we are still like our Father in heaven, so it’s our intuition as moms and dads to give good gifts to our children. That has always been true across cultures and throughout time. 

Jesus referenced this in the Sermon on the Mount when he asked, “Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?…If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:9, 11).

But what if, in our effort to equip our children for a lifetime of success, we’re actually setting them up to hear the final, terrible words, “I never knew you; depart from me” (Matthew 7:23)?

As we strive to be good parents and give good gifts to our kids, is it possible that we’re instead showing them how to gain the whole world and lose their souls? 

The Best Gift

We can’t miss Jesus’ words on this. He said, 

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26)

If we want our children to find life, they must deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow Jesus. He is actually the best gift. He said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).

Indeed, traveling with the hockey team will impart lifelong lessons. And rising through the ranks of youth tennis will yield great confidence. These gifts are not sinful, or immoral, or even necessarily unwise. But Jesus calls us to put them in their proper place. They are good gifts, but they are not the best gift—and they might even have to be lost for the sake of gaining Christ. 

Taking Jesus’ warning to heart, we moms and dads must ask ourselves if we’re exerting as much enthusiasm and effort and energy on our kids’ spiritual lives as we are on their athletic achievements.

If we are truly dedicated to giving our kids good gifts, we must give them the good news about Jesus.

How to Present the Best Gift

A recent survey asked Christian adults who were raised in Christian homes about the spiritual disciplines present in their homes while growing up (Lifeway Research). Researchers wanted to find out what their parents had done to raise kids who continued to follow Christ long after they left home. 

Here are the five most common activities reported as being practiced in the homes of these Christian adults: 

1. The child regularly read the Bible. 

2. The child regularly spent time in prayer. 

3. The child regularly spent time serving in the church. 

4. The child regularly listened to Christian music.  

5. The child participated in church mission trips or projects. 

Rather than shaping our lives around youth sports, let’s consider shaping our lives around these abundant-life-giving activities. Let’s consider, as families, how we might be in the Word, pray, serve, worship through music, and pursue missions. These practices will lead all of us into a deeper and more joyful walk with Jesus (John 15:10-11). 

Of course, we know that our salvation and our children’s salvation from the penalty, power, and (one day) presence of sin is not dependent on us. Only God can reconcile each of us to himself. Paul says in Ephesians, 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not the result of works, so that no one may boast. (2:8-9)

Though Christ alone accomplished the work of salvation—through his suffering, death on the cross, and resurrection—we still toil with all his energy that his Spirit powerfully works in us to proclaim Jesus to our kids (Colossians 1:29). May we obediently present Jesus over and over to them (Matthew 28:19), and then trust in him alone to do his good and perfect will.

Is Presenting This Gift Your Priority? 

Parents, let’s ask ourselves: Do we really believe that Jesus is the best gift we can present to our kids? Do our schedules and homes reflect these values? Do our words and lives and hearts profess that he alone is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6)? 

For what will it profit a child if he gains the traveling team and forfeits his soul? Or if she gains Junior Olympics and forfeits her soul? 

As we strive and sacrifice to give our children the good gifts of this world, may we not lead them to forfeit their souls. May we teach them to lose their lives for Jesus’ sake. May we show them abundant life in him. 

We want to be the best parents we can be, so let’s present our kids the best gift we can offer.

Originally written by Jen Oshman. Used with permission.

Do You Regret Having Children?

A recent article in the New York Post highlights a Facebook group entitled "I Regret Having Children." The online group is a place for moms to share their regret without shame. The comments range from the typical grumblings that I think most parents utter when they’re tired to very strong lament and ideation of leaving one’s children behind in pursuit of the life she lost:

It’s not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son.

I’m desperately sad. I love my children very much but I preferred life before and I want it back.

I’m just a frazzled mess all the time with no confidence. I wake up and cry knowing it’s just another day of dealing with crying arguing whiny children.

Since having them I’ve become increasingly bitter, depressed and angry. 

All parents at one time or another have looked longingly back at the days before they had kids and marveled at the freedom and productivity they once possessed. When tending to a fussy baby in the middle of the night, it’s normal to realize that your pre-parent life was a lot easier. But what leads to regret year after year? What causes some moms to never stop wishing their children away? And how can we help?  

Based on my years in women’s ministry, the many hours my husband and I have spent counseling couples, and—let me be honest—hard looks into my own selfish heart, I can see four primary reasons today’s parents live with regret:

1.  Seeking fulfillment in the wrong place

Regret is not unique to parenthood. People regret taking jobs, getting married, and even going into ministry. When we seek ultimate fulfillment in temporary roles and things, we are disappointed. While these things may indeed provide good gifts, they will never fully satisfy our hearts. 

It is in God alone that we find deep, lasting fulfillment. Scripture tells us that, “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11) and “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst’” (John 6:35).  The New City Catechism reminds us that God is our creator and he made us to “know him, love him, live with him, and glorify him. And it is right that we who were created by God should live to his glory.” 

In our consumer-driven culture we are persuaded daily that joy will come when we get married, get the new car, move into the bigger house, have a baby, and carry the latest designer baby bag. Our flesh wants cheap satisfaction in the things of this world—but if we seek ultimate fulfillment in any role other than being created by God for his glory, we will be disappointed and have regret. 

2.  The idol of autonomy 

At this moment in human history, it could be argued that the right to self-determination is the highest value of western civilization. Our quest for autonomy is insatiable. We have laws and cultural norms that deem any boundaries or hindrance on one’s human freedom to be outdated and oppressive. This cultural mood of “I can be who I want to be and no one can tell me otherwise” leaks into all of our relationships, including parenting. These messages so permeate our surroundings that when anything hinders our freedom we cry foul. And so it is with children. 

3.  Imbalanced societal views of career and roles inside the home

As a woman and mom of four daughters, I see messages daily that say a women’s worth is equal to her ability to be as male as possible.  Alastair Roberts rightly says, “our culture perceives the ‘potential’ of women largely in terms of their liberation from their nature, rather than in their flourishing within the inherent directionality and order of that nature.” Women are considered oppressed if they bear children and mother them. Our society seeks to liberate us, giving us the choice to do away with our babies, so that we may thrive in a successful career outside the home. Women’s liberation is actually the “manning” of women, as Roberts says.  And so, the natural role of mother is devalued and women feel this when they stay home to parent. We feel less successful, less important, less useful, less than all the other roles society tells us to pursue. 

4.  Lack of community

A final contributing factor to women (and men) regretting having children is that we live in isolation. It is common knowledge that communal living is largely missing from western society and it is to our detriment. A Psychology Today article confirms, “One of the most destructive problems is the breakdown of community, and it is this breakdown that has often led to the breakdown of persons. Though we may put many around us, we are alone. Relationships have become superficial, there is no longer concern for the other, and we are pressed by societal and financial pressures to focus on our own survival.”  

Moms who regret having children walk through their disappointment alone. We no longer chat with each other over the fence or on the front porch. We isolate ourselves in our homes and apartments and suffer alone—often medicating our pain with drugs and alcohol. Moms don’t have friends with whom they can share their authentic discouragement. We use social media to put our best foot forward and don’t lean on our neighbors when we need help. Alone, our regret festers. 

How can we respond? 

1.  Renew our minds

As we experience regret and disappointment we must first renew our own minds. Dissatisfaction is not unique to moms—it is shared by all of us who live in a fallen world. We must fight for joy, rehearsing to ourselves the truth about the source of our joy and the purpose of our lives. Right thinking does not come naturally. Rather we must “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2). When marriage, jobs, material possessions, people, and even parenting do not deliver the on the promises we thought they would, it’s crucial that we recall that God “satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9). He will help us. He will fill us. He will meet us in our regret.

2.  Create community

Reaching out to others and creating community right where we are will not only minister to our own souls, but to others as well. The Apostle Paul knew this and therefore instructs us to “seek to show hospitality” (Romans 12:13). Building bridges, bearing one another’s burdens, sharing meals, and finding the commonalities between us works wonders in the human heart. The Psychology Today article referenced above says, “So if we are to truly be alive, to truly move beyond surviving to thriving, if we are to truly be human beings rather than alienated beings or drugged zombies, then we are going to need to return to the sense of community, to lay aside the barriers, and to be able to realize our common humanity.”  

If you are a Christian mom, I strongly encourage you to be on the lookout for other moms who seem to be alone. Pay attention to the other women at the park, or in the gymnastics waiting room, or in the elementary school pickup line. I think it’s safe to say that we often appear to have it all together, while inwardly we’d all love to share our joys and sorrows with a friend. I’ve lived back in the States now for 18 months and I can truly say that all of my new friendships began with a shy smile and a warm hello. As humans we long for connection. 

Lastly, consider starting a women’s Bible study in your home. This may seem too high a calling or perhaps out of left field. But after leading women’s Bible studies almost every single week for the last 17 years, I can tell you that there’s no better venue for meeting both the felt needs and the spiritual needs of women in your community. The necessary ingredients are easier to come by than you may think: a space to gather, a place for the kids to play while the moms talk, some coffee and a snack, a DVD player and TV to show a Bible lesson provided by a gifted Bible teacher, and an empathetic and welcoming hostess.

As of this moment in American society, it is still acceptable for a Christian woman to invite a non-Christian woman to Bible study. Having recently lived in an atheist country, I know firsthand that’s not the case around the world. However, right now in the States, one girlfriend can still invite another to come read the Bible with her and some other ladies and it’s likely to go very well. What I have seen time and time again is a believing woman invite a non-believing woman to Bible study and the new attendee is met with warmth and encouragement and new friends who “get” her station in life. This welcoming atmosphere is unlike any other she has experienced and she soon wakes up to her spiritual depravity. One thing leads to another and this new friend meets Jesus, refocuses her longings and energies, and finds true joy where she once had deep pain. I’ve seen it happen so many times.  

May we take advantage of this moment in our culture and “walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time” (Colossians 4:5). Women who regret having children need not persist in their isolation and despair. We have the antidote and we have the calling and the privilege to share it.

Originally written and published by Jen Oshman: wife, mom of four girls, missionary, writer. Used with permission.

The Bigger Picture

Is it paying off?

Am I really bearing fruit?

Are my kids getting it?

Is God getting glory from my life?

Have you asked these questions too? It can be hard to keep going sometimes, not knowing if all your labor is worth it. If it’s even making a difference.

Did you know? Abraham never saw the generations promised to him. They certainly came, and the number of his descendants is increasing - but he didn’t live to see it. Neither did Isaac, or Jacob; they all lived with the belief that this particular promise from God would be fulfilled - yet they never saw it in their lifetimes.

They did see forward motion. Progress. But they were each only a part of God’s big picture.

So it is with us, friends. We each are only part of God’s big picture. There may be things in this life that He places before us and calls us to, that we never see to completion. Someone else may continue our ministry and see the more abundant fruit; one of our kids or grandkids may pick up the baton of a certain discipline and perfect it.

What matters is our faithfulness. We must remain faithful to what He puts in front of us, whether we see the results or not. He desires our obedience and trust. This life is so much bigger than just us! He knows what He’s doing. He has plans that involve people, time, places, and things; He works all these things together in His perfect way and timing.

Look for fruit as a mark that you’re in the right direction, to see what the Lord is doing - but focus on faithfulness. Trust that He has a plan, and you are a part of it. Thank Him you are a part!

In Him,

Amy Parsons

That Time God Said YES

It’s easy to lose the awe that comes when we experience direct answers to specific prayers. We think we’ll remember, but the mundane and the busy redirect our brains, and those amazing moments can be lost. Some years ago, I began recording each of those treasured times, those times when I just knew it was God’s yes in a very specific way. I call it my Little Book of Miracles—and I’m now on book four. In the month of March, I’m excited to share a few of these precious stories with you. Some are profound. Some are almost silly. Yet all of them remind me of the ways God has met my needs and often my wants … miraculously. I hope you enjoy celebrating these moments with me, and I urge you to start your own Little Book of Miracles.

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” —Jeremiah 32:27 ESV

It was my daughter’s birthday. Her husband was overseas for the year and unable to celebrate with her. I decided to help my grandchildren, ages seven, five, and three, buy little presents for their mama—teaching them the joy of giving and, at the same time, blessing their mom during a hard year in her life. Off we trotted to the van, where three little bodies were strapped in safe and sound, full of chatter and excitement about the Big Adventure of shopping at the mall with me, their Nina.

I had set a $10 limit for each of them, so they would have to choose carefully what special present they wanted their beloved mama to have. We hadn’t even made it out of the driveway before it became apparent they had no idea how much $10 would buy. The excitement was building as they discussed what they would purchase. “Diamonds!” shouted one. “I want to buy her many jewels, Nina. And gold,” said another. “Oh dear,” thought I, trying to prepare them by suggesting we shop at a little costume jewelry store and chip in all the money together to get one pretty necklace with “jewels.” They were not having it. “Oh, no, Nina. We want to buy her earrings and necklaces. Each of us our own.” I tried to explain that $10 could not possibly buy both earrings and a necklace, but they were so excited that my gentle attempts at reining them in fell on deaf ears.

This was quite the situation for a Nina who has a very hard time saying no to her grandchildren. (See Nina Lost Her “No” Button for further information on this sad fact.) I broke through the chatter and did the only thing I could do when facing the impossible, I said, “Let’s pray for God’s help, okay?” They seriously bowed their little heads as I pleaded with God for some help here please. Suddenly this adventure didn’t seem quite as grand as I had imagined. I pictured very disappointed little ones trudging home with something much less than they had envisioned. I loved their desire to give their mother something big, but I really couldn’t spend more than the allotted amount. So I prayed. With a very little bit of faith. In a mess of desperation.

When we arrived at the mall, we headed toward the costume jewelry store. On our way, we passed a much finer store—actually their mom’s favorite store. I saw a “sale” sign in the display window and suggested we go in and look. Sure enough, the beautiful necklaces with gold and “jewels” were $24.95 on sale. Great! But certainly not cheap enough for each grandchild to buy their very own to give their mom … let alone earrings as well. I started to explain this to them, but the lady behind the counter overheard our conversation and came over to help. She smiled and said, “Follow me.” She led us to another section of the store, where their extreme sale was going on. Buy earrings for $9.95 and choose a necklace for free! I kid you not.

Each child, happily unaware of this little miracle, chose with glee the necklace and earrings he or she thought were the prettiest for their mom. The kind clerk wrapped them all individually with each child’s name affixed to their package, so their mom could see what each had chosen especially for her.

I walked out of that store just stunned. I have to confess I hadn’t really expected that God would actually do what I had asked. I was more hoping He’d help me stem their disappointment. As we celebrated with pretzels, the oldest grandson led us in a prayer of thanksgiving for God’s help. I felt like doing a victory dance. It was so much fun to see how God had orchestrated our morning and taught the children (and Nina!) a valuable lesson in giving and in asking.

Oh, you should have seen the joy as each child presented their “gold and jewels” to their mother on her birthday. She loved seeing their happiness and their desire to give—perhaps even more than the “jewels.” But she liked those, too. After all, we had shopped at her favorite place. It was a sweet birthday celebration despite the absence of the father and husband they all loved and missed.

I tucked away the memory. A sweet time when a crazy little desperate prayer was answered with a resounding yes by a God who says, “Is anything too hard for Me?” Sometimes, we just need to ask. Like a child. Trusting that God will answer us as He knows best. I’m so glad I did that day. We would have missed out on a “little miracle” that turned into a big reminder that our God cares about us—in the little and the big things of life.

Father, I’m still smiling over Your amazing provision. Such a crazy little wish not to disappoint my grandchildren, answered beyond my imagination. Thank You. Help us come to You whenever we have a trouble, big or small. Nothing is too hard for You, Lord, and You welcome Your children to come and ask. Help us to trust Your answers, knowing You are good. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Originally written by Sharon Gamble of Sweet Selah Ministries. Used with permission.