Comparison Is Not the Thief of Joy

Comparison isn’t the thief of joy.

Helping my seven-year-old write a compare-and-contrast essay on puppies and kittens is like a jaunt into the human psyche. We educate our kids so that they’re really good at articulating what’s the same and what’s different. We make sure they can evaluate all the ways a puppy measures up to a kitten. But when they notice a child in a wheelchair or a figure skating man who’s acting like a girl, we clam up and wish they hadn’t noticed any of it. And once they start drawing comparisons with themselves, we do more than clam up; we call it sin.

If Teddy Roosevelt’s maxim is true, that “comparison is the thief of joy,” then it seems we’re all comparing and contrasting our happiness away.

Roosevelt is clearly onto something. Head over to Pinterest or Instagram or Facebook, and you’ll see a thousand posts memorializing his proverb. Listen to Christian talks, sermons, and podcasts, and you will start to think that this little saying is God’s — all that’s missing is chapter and verse. The solution seems plain then: stop doing that. Stop measuring yourself up against others. Stop noticing the discrepancies; it will only lead to misery.

The problem is that we can’t stop comparing. Comparison is a fundamental part of being human, because it’s how we acquaint ourselves with reality. The very first thing Adam did when he saw Eve was to write his own brief compare and contrast essay. “She’s like me! Only different!”

Not only is it impossible to opt out of comparing, but God actually wants us to do it.

Comparing Is Necessary

Comparing is how we discover what holiness is. It’s how we see what is set apart as distinct from us. It’s also how we know what we ought to be like. To abandon comparing is to abandon our understanding of God, and of ourselves. What we need to do is train ourselves how to compare properly, not cut ourselves off from the necessity of comparison.

If we took all the measuring — the comparing and contrasting — out of the Bible, we wouldn’t have much of a book left. God’s laws and instructions fundamentally help us to see what we are and are not, what we should and shouldn’t be. They also help us see how we measure up to others, so that we can either imitate them or do the opposite of them. This is not sin — it is essential to growth, and health, as Christians.

My concern is that, far from letting comparison fuel our growth in godliness, we actually have trained Christians that it’s good to ignore the ways someone else might be doing something well, so that they can spare themselves the discomfort of how they might not measure up. With this logic, bad feelings about my situation or sin problem are the real issue — that’s what must be avoided. When we admonish ourselves or others to stop comparing, we may actually be insulating ourselves from reality.

Of course, we have to evaluate if the comparisons we’re making are real or not. We shouldn’t compare our real life (the house with actual people in it and sticky faces and hair-raising smells) with the fake life of someone we’ve never met on Instagram (the tasteless, odorless, iocane-powder version). That’s a false comparison. Remember, our goal is figuring out what’s real and true, not inoculating ourselves to it through make-believe images.

Make Comparisons Fuel Joy

What if, rather than pretending not to notice that our friend is excelling in homemaking and parenting (while we’re scraping by), we honored her by giving thanks to God for her obedience, her diligence, and her example of Christ that we can follow? What if we started observing her more closely, making more comparisons rather than less, so that we could tease out the principles of godliness present in her life and do likewise?

What if, rather than smugly disdaining the mom who can’t get her act together, we offered her a better way? What if we actually said with Paul, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ,” not because we think we’re better than she is, but because God has really done something profound in us and we’re confident he can do it in her, too (1 Corinthians 11:1)?

Leading our comparisons in the right direction — away from envy, pride, covetousness, and self-pity, and toward Christlike imitation and the fear of God — will turn us into better parents, mentors, and friends.

Parenting Children Through Comparison

Faithful parenting means discipling our children into reality. Many parents balk when their kids make observations about themselves and their siblings like, “I’m not good at school. Eliza’s good at school.” We rush in to say, “Oh no, honey! You are good at school!” But, are they? Does it even matter to us as parents if what they’ve said is accurate or not? It should.

If our child is doing poorly in school and their sibling is doing great, we shouldn’t pretend like that’s not the case. If we do that, we will be training them to ignore what’s real. We will be training them that true speech is too scary or too difficult for us to handle and, therefore, too difficult for them to handle. We will give them the impression that what’s different about them is so scary and hard to deal with that it’s unspeakable. We shove reality out of the picture so that we can coddle them — while really we’re coddling ourselves. We ignore deficiencies as if they were too much to bear.

But what if we acknowledged that what they’re saying is true, at least in part? Their sister is doing well in school and they are struggling. Then, we can shepherd them to give thanks to God for how he’s made their sister, and ask God for the discipline and grace to help them do better. And while they struggle, we can teach them to ask God for the contentment in the areas that are hard for them, and give thanks for the particular strengths he’s given them that are different than how he’s gifted their sibling.

We won’t be able to do any of that if we haven’t asked God for the thick gospel-skin that helps us live in a world of differences and similarities, without making it all about a narcissistic insecurity that someone, somewhere has more than me, or is working harder than me, or is doing better than me. That is a sickly way for Christians to live! In Christ, we have it all — we dare not dishonor him by our self-pity (Romans 8:32).

Differences Are God’s Design

The Bible assumes some will have more faith, and some less. Some will have this gift and another that gift. Some will be rich and some will be poor. Some beautiful, some homely. Some with lovely homes, some with drab. There will be children with disabilities and children without. There are Gentiles and Jews, tribes and tongues, men and women.

The Bible even assumes that some will be more Christlike and mature than others. Noticing these things isn’t a sin, but a gift, and it need not lead to the evaporation of our joy, but can be the water for its growth.

Holy imitation isn’t about cramming ourselves into another’s mold. It’s about recognizing the Christlike principles another has applied to their life and figuring out how to apply them to ours. It’s not about making all of our voices sound the same, but getting us all to learn the same song of the Lamb who was slain. It’s not about making us all identical, but about training all of us, amid our diversity, to walk together in the light of Christ.

Originally written by Abigail Dodds for Desiring God. Used with permission.

Best Pre-Marital Advice We Got and Love to Give

Wanna hear the best pre-marital advice Mark and I received?

Well, maybe it’s not the best, but we sure do refer to it a lot. We use it and we tell it to other couples all the time. It even feels a little bit like a marriage hack because it’s so simple and yet pays huge dividends.

Here it is:

Whenever we deal with my family, I do the communicating and whenever we deal with his family, he does the communicating.

Probably not the profundity you were expecting. But I promise, it’s gold.

Our pastor wisely instructed us that each of our families of origin would always love us—meaning the one who came from that family. My parents are always going to love me. There’s nothing I can do to make them disown me. They may roll their eyes at me and not agree with a lot of what I do and say. But I’ll always be theirs. I’ll always have a place at their table. They’ll always have to take me back.

But not so with Mark (and vice versa with me and his family). It’s possible for him to rub my family the wrong way, to annoy them, to tally up enough points against him that they don’t really like him anymore. It’s far more likely that my family would reject him than they would me. He’s an outsider. There are boundaries in their love for him.

This is human nature. This is the reality of all marriages and families of origins. There will always be just a little bit of suspicion towards the other spouse.

In real life this has been very handy. If we can’t go to dinner at his parent’s house, he makes the call. If we can’t take a trip with my mom, I make the call. If my family has offended him or hurt him in some way, I defend him. I speak up. I take the responsibility of pursuing reconciliation. And likewise for him with his family.

Bottom line: we each champion and defend and run interference for the other to our families of origin.

Thankfully, by God’s sweet grace, we both come from great families. And they all read this blog and they’re all going to wonder what specific infraction I’m talking about. I promise, I’m not referring to anything specific! We are so very blessed to have solid and wonderful relationships all around. But we do use this hack in small ways all the time—it’s a way of life, an automatic way of communicating for us.

Like I said, not profound, but I promise it’s gold. As we’ve counseled many, many couples over the years and shared this advice, we’ve seen it work beautifully. It has the power to mend broken relationships in extended families, to bring peace to previously contentious relationships, to smooth things over and to set the stage for a lifetime of peace and harmony.

A couple examples to help paint the picture:

Say a husband’s parents want to babysit a couple’s toddler. But the couple knows the grandparents will feed the child junk food and they really don’t want them to. It’s the husband’s job to say so. He has to communicate the firm boundary to his own parents. In this way, the wife is protected from that difficult conversation, the in-laws won’t be tempted to think of her as a strict and cranky daughter-in-law, and peace is maintained. They may roll their eyes at their son, but they’re likely to respect his wishes, whereas if the wife had had the conversation they may be more willing to blow her off.

Or say a wife’s father is great with finances and wants to be really involved in the couple’s purchase of their first home. But say the husband is uncomfortable with his father-in-law knowing so much about their finances and also not too keen to follow his father-in-law’s advice. It’s the wife’s job to tell her dad that he can’t participate in the process. While the father may be disappointed, he’s likely to respect his daughter’s wishes. Whereas if her husband had this hard conversation, the wishes may be respected, but there would also likely be tension. The husband would probably be seen as hard-headed or foolish or a bully. But as the wife has the conversation, she protects her husband from harm and maintains peace in the extended family.

These kinds of things come up all the time and having a game plan in place ahead of time makes a huge difference. Whenever my husband’s family poses a question to us, I simply look at him and let him take the lead in answering. And the same goes for my family. While we really have sweet relationships, it’s a deeply ingrained habit for us, and I think a large reason why we do indeed enjoy peace all around.

May the wisdom of our pastor in pre-marital counseling serve you well too!

Mark and I are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary. I cannot overstate what a joy that is for us to celebrate! We both come from much brokenness and divorce. To have an intact marriage that is vibrant and life-giving is almost too much for me to fathom. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the gifts he’s given me in Mark and our long life together, thus far.

Originally written by Jen Oshman, wife and mama of four girls. Used with permission.

Choose Your Battles Biblically

One of the questions I was most frequently asked when my children were young and we were homeschooling was this, “What is the hardest part of doing this, of raising your children and homeschool them?” There were many things that were hard, of course, things like discipline, keeping a sane and orderly routine, being on schedule, trying to figure out the best options for our curriculum, planning each week’s work, etc. But without hesitating I would always answer the same thing: The hardest thing is seeing and dealing with my own sins as I raise my children.

Many times I would get mad because of the glass of spilled milk, or lose my patience after one of my kids would not follow he instructions I gave, or raise my voice when we were running late. But you know what? Most of the times I lost my temper not because I really wanted to teach them a good thing, but because of my own desires were not being fulfilled, because I was discontent, or anxious, or simply “tired.” And that was the true battle that I needed to face each day.

Only when I saw this, I was able to deal with it in a biblical way: repent and believe. And only when I started fighting the right battle, I saw the good fruit of righteousness in my own life and my children’s lives!

You have heard many times that piece of advice that many like to give, “Choose your battles wisely.” Well, if you must choose one battle each day, choose it biblically: Kill the sin in you (Rom. 8:10-17). And how do we do this? By the Word of God! (Ephesians 6:10-20)

So, I encourage you, Friend, if you find yourself in a similar situation than the one I was, ask the Lord to give you eyes to see your own heart in the light of the Scriptures. Come to the Word, read it and let the Word read you. If you are struggling with a short temper, with lack of patience and joy, come to the Lord, not only every day, but very minute of the day. Lay it all before Him, humble yourself before Him, take a deep breath and do the next thing by grace through faith. Killing your our sin is about being obedient. It is about repenting of our own sins and moving on -as quickly as possible- back into the path of obedience. This is certainly the hardest thing we’ll face each day, but certainly the fruit is the sweetest of all.

Under His sun and by His grace,

Becky Pliego

Written for Strength & Song by Becky Pliego: wife, mama, and grandma. Find her writings at Daily On My Way to Heaven.

Exposing 5 Excuses to Avoid Marital Counseling

When my husband and I went to ask our pastor for help, I secretly wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Nothing in me wanted to go for counseling. I did not want to tear down my perfect, flowery walls of marriage and show someone else that underneath was an ugly mess of conflict, arguments, and disagreements. We had barely been married a year, and I did not want people knowing that we already needed help.

Do you share similar feelings? You put on a well-ordered display at church and special events, holding hands and smiling at each other, meanwhile behind closed doors you yell and scream at each other? People ask, “How’s married life?” and you respond with a cute smile, “It’s amazing!” Meanwhile, you wonder what sort of conflict will arise tonight.

Though I may not know what it’s like in your current situation, I do understand what it’s like to be in a battle in your marriage. I know that aching and exhausted feeling of being at odds with your best friend. I understand the terrifying thought of letting down your walls and revealing the disorder.

So trust me on this: Asking for help and getting counsel is worth it.

Don’t believe me? Already have a list of arguments for me? Well so do I.

Excuse #1 | It’s too Shameful

You do not need to feel ashamed for going to counseling or asking for help. Every married couple experiences conflict. When two sinners come together, live under the same roof, and are required to work together, conflict is inevitable. Most likely the person you go to for counsel will be quick to remind you that he or she went through many of the exact same issues you are dealing with.

Also, don’t forget the beauty of humility. God calls his followers to be humble, not prideful. Instead of feeling ashamed that your marriage is imperfect and filled with flaws, humbly come before God recognizing your utter dependence on him. It is in our weaknesses that his strength is most seen (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). Let this be a time of God being magnified through your inability to live out the perfect marriage on your own.

Excuse #2 | My Marriage Isn’t In That Much Trouble

Marriage counseling does not equate being on the edge of divorce. This was a false belief I had to move past before I was able to humbly receive counsel. I didn’t want people thinking I was near divorce. My marriage was not in trouble, so in some ways I viewed counseling as “beneath” us.

However, it isn’t wise to wait until your breaking point before going to counseling. Why would you wait to fix your cracked windshield until it shatters? Wouldn’t you rather fix the problem while it is small? We need to be diligent in guarding our marriages and watching for issues that might be sneaking it. Don’t wait until that temptation gives birth to sin. Don’t wait until that argument becomes a violent fight. Don’t wait until you accidentally say, “I hate you.” We need to start dealing with problems while they are only newly sprouted, rather than putting them off until they are deeply rooted and fill our hearts with bitterness.

Don’t view counseling as a punishment or shameful task; view it as purposeful sanctification and mortification of sin. This a time of growth, learning to love each other better, and making your marriage a better testimony of the gospel. Marital counseling is not only for the divorced, separated, violent, unfaithful, and unhappily married. Marital counseling is for those who recognize their marriage is no longer glorifying God and desire to change it.

Excuse #3 | There Are No Christian / Biblical Counselors to Counsel Us

If you are without a local biblical counselor, married friends, pastors, church elders, and family members are still an excellent marriage resource. Wisdom comes with age and much study of Scripture, which is why older married friends are such a blessing to have, whether or not you are experiencing difficulty in your marriage.

Excuse #4 | We Will Never Change

Don’t lose hope, friend. God changed you by his glorious gospel; he took you as a wretched, rebellious, God-hating sinner and gave you a new heart to love and obey him. If that is not proof enough, remember the darkened, hard heart of Paul of Tarsus; he was a persecutor of believers who by God’s grace became an apostle of Christ and wrote much of the New Testament. God can change your marriage. You are not beyond his ability to repair. As a believer, you have the hope that God will not leave you unfinished. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NASB). God will not abandon you. For his glory, he will work on you and sanctify you. Don’t lose hope.

A Final Encouragement

Whatever it is that is holding you back from going to counseling—whether it be fear, shame, doubt, or bitterness—it is time to put that off and deal with the issues at hand. Don’t continue to smother them. Don’t allow your marriage to suffer any longer. Talk to someone, be truthful, be vulnerable, pray, and do it all to the glory of God.

Written for Strength & Song by Lara d’Entremont: wife, mama, writer.