Best Pre-Marital Advice We Got and Love to Give

Wanna hear the best pre-marital advice Mark and I received?

Well, maybe it’s not the best, but we sure do refer to it a lot. We use it and we tell it to other couples all the time. It even feels a little bit like a marriage hack because it’s so simple and yet pays huge dividends.

Here it is:

Whenever we deal with my family, I do the communicating and whenever we deal with his family, he does the communicating.

Probably not the profundity you were expecting. But I promise, it’s gold.

Our pastor wisely instructed us that each of our families of origin would always love us—meaning the one who came from that family. My parents are always going to love me. There’s nothing I can do to make them disown me. They may roll their eyes at me and not agree with a lot of what I do and say. But I’ll always be theirs. I’ll always have a place at their table. They’ll always have to take me back.

But not so with Mark (and vice versa with me and his family). It’s possible for him to rub my family the wrong way, to annoy them, to tally up enough points against him that they don’t really like him anymore. It’s far more likely that my family would reject him than they would me. He’s an outsider. There are boundaries in their love for him.

This is human nature. This is the reality of all marriages and families of origins. There will always be just a little bit of suspicion towards the other spouse.

In real life this has been very handy. If we can’t go to dinner at his parent’s house, he makes the call. If we can’t take a trip with my mom, I make the call. If my family has offended him or hurt him in some way, I defend him. I speak up. I take the responsibility of pursuing reconciliation. And likewise for him with his family.

Bottom line: we each champion and defend and run interference for the other to our families of origin.

Thankfully, by God’s sweet grace, we both come from great families. And they all read this blog and they’re all going to wonder what specific infraction I’m talking about. I promise, I’m not referring to anything specific! We are so very blessed to have solid and wonderful relationships all around. But we do use this hack in small ways all the time—it’s a way of life, an automatic way of communicating for us.

Like I said, not profound, but I promise it’s gold. As we’ve counseled many, many couples over the years and shared this advice, we’ve seen it work beautifully. It has the power to mend broken relationships in extended families, to bring peace to previously contentious relationships, to smooth things over and to set the stage for a lifetime of peace and harmony.

A couple examples to help paint the picture:

Say a husband’s parents want to babysit a couple’s toddler. But the couple knows the grandparents will feed the child junk food and they really don’t want them to. It’s the husband’s job to say so. He has to communicate the firm boundary to his own parents. In this way, the wife is protected from that difficult conversation, the in-laws won’t be tempted to think of her as a strict and cranky daughter-in-law, and peace is maintained. They may roll their eyes at their son, but they’re likely to respect his wishes, whereas if the wife had had the conversation they may be more willing to blow her off.

Or say a wife’s father is great with finances and wants to be really involved in the couple’s purchase of their first home. But say the husband is uncomfortable with his father-in-law knowing so much about their finances and also not too keen to follow his father-in-law’s advice. It’s the wife’s job to tell her dad that he can’t participate in the process. While the father may be disappointed, he’s likely to respect his daughter’s wishes. Whereas if her husband had this hard conversation, the wishes may be respected, but there would also likely be tension. The husband would probably be seen as hard-headed or foolish or a bully. But as the wife has the conversation, she protects her husband from harm and maintains peace in the extended family.

These kinds of things come up all the time and having a game plan in place ahead of time makes a huge difference. Whenever my husband’s family poses a question to us, I simply look at him and let him take the lead in answering. And the same goes for my family. While we really have sweet relationships, it’s a deeply ingrained habit for us, and I think a large reason why we do indeed enjoy peace all around.

May the wisdom of our pastor in pre-marital counseling serve you well too!

Mark and I are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary. I cannot overstate what a joy that is for us to celebrate! We both come from much brokenness and divorce. To have an intact marriage that is vibrant and life-giving is almost too much for me to fathom. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the gifts he’s given me in Mark and our long life together, thus far.

Originally written by Jen Oshman, wife and mama of four girls. Used with permission.

Exposing 5 Excuses to Avoid Marital Counseling

When my husband and I went to ask our pastor for help, I secretly wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Nothing in me wanted to go for counseling. I did not want to tear down my perfect, flowery walls of marriage and show someone else that underneath was an ugly mess of conflict, arguments, and disagreements. We had barely been married a year, and I did not want people knowing that we already needed help.

Do you share similar feelings? You put on a well-ordered display at church and special events, holding hands and smiling at each other, meanwhile behind closed doors you yell and scream at each other? People ask, “How’s married life?” and you respond with a cute smile, “It’s amazing!” Meanwhile, you wonder what sort of conflict will arise tonight.

Though I may not know what it’s like in your current situation, I do understand what it’s like to be in a battle in your marriage. I know that aching and exhausted feeling of being at odds with your best friend. I understand the terrifying thought of letting down your walls and revealing the disorder.

So trust me on this: Asking for help and getting counsel is worth it.

Don’t believe me? Already have a list of arguments for me? Well so do I.

Excuse #1 | It’s too Shameful

You do not need to feel ashamed for going to counseling or asking for help. Every married couple experiences conflict. When two sinners come together, live under the same roof, and are required to work together, conflict is inevitable. Most likely the person you go to for counsel will be quick to remind you that he or she went through many of the exact same issues you are dealing with.

Also, don’t forget the beauty of humility. God calls his followers to be humble, not prideful. Instead of feeling ashamed that your marriage is imperfect and filled with flaws, humbly come before God recognizing your utter dependence on him. It is in our weaknesses that his strength is most seen (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). Let this be a time of God being magnified through your inability to live out the perfect marriage on your own.

Excuse #2 | My Marriage Isn’t In That Much Trouble

Marriage counseling does not equate being on the edge of divorce. This was a false belief I had to move past before I was able to humbly receive counsel. I didn’t want people thinking I was near divorce. My marriage was not in trouble, so in some ways I viewed counseling as “beneath” us.

However, it isn’t wise to wait until your breaking point before going to counseling. Why would you wait to fix your cracked windshield until it shatters? Wouldn’t you rather fix the problem while it is small? We need to be diligent in guarding our marriages and watching for issues that might be sneaking it. Don’t wait until that temptation gives birth to sin. Don’t wait until that argument becomes a violent fight. Don’t wait until you accidentally say, “I hate you.” We need to start dealing with problems while they are only newly sprouted, rather than putting them off until they are deeply rooted and fill our hearts with bitterness.

Don’t view counseling as a punishment or shameful task; view it as purposeful sanctification and mortification of sin. This a time of growth, learning to love each other better, and making your marriage a better testimony of the gospel. Marital counseling is not only for the divorced, separated, violent, unfaithful, and unhappily married. Marital counseling is for those who recognize their marriage is no longer glorifying God and desire to change it.

Excuse #3 | There Are No Christian / Biblical Counselors to Counsel Us

If you are without a local biblical counselor, married friends, pastors, church elders, and family members are still an excellent marriage resource. Wisdom comes with age and much study of Scripture, which is why older married friends are such a blessing to have, whether or not you are experiencing difficulty in your marriage.

Excuse #4 | We Will Never Change

Don’t lose hope, friend. God changed you by his glorious gospel; he took you as a wretched, rebellious, God-hating sinner and gave you a new heart to love and obey him. If that is not proof enough, remember the darkened, hard heart of Paul of Tarsus; he was a persecutor of believers who by God’s grace became an apostle of Christ and wrote much of the New Testament. God can change your marriage. You are not beyond his ability to repair. As a believer, you have the hope that God will not leave you unfinished. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NASB). God will not abandon you. For his glory, he will work on you and sanctify you. Don’t lose hope.

A Final Encouragement

Whatever it is that is holding you back from going to counseling—whether it be fear, shame, doubt, or bitterness—it is time to put that off and deal with the issues at hand. Don’t continue to smother them. Don’t allow your marriage to suffer any longer. Talk to someone, be truthful, be vulnerable, pray, and do it all to the glory of God.

Written for Strength & Song by Lara d’Entremont: wife, mama, writer.