Exposing 5 Excuses to Avoid Marital Counseling

When my husband and I went to ask our pastor for help, I secretly wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Nothing in me wanted to go for counseling. I did not want to tear down my perfect, flowery walls of marriage and show someone else that underneath was an ugly mess of conflict, arguments, and disagreements. We had barely been married a year, and I did not want people knowing that we already needed help.

Do you share similar feelings? You put on a well-ordered display at church and special events, holding hands and smiling at each other, meanwhile behind closed doors you yell and scream at each other? People ask, “How’s married life?” and you respond with a cute smile, “It’s amazing!” Meanwhile, you wonder what sort of conflict will arise tonight.

Though I may not know what it’s like in your current situation, I do understand what it’s like to be in a battle in your marriage. I know that aching and exhausted feeling of being at odds with your best friend. I understand the terrifying thought of letting down your walls and revealing the disorder.

So trust me on this: Asking for help and getting counsel is worth it.

Don’t believe me? Already have a list of arguments for me? Well so do I.

Excuse #1 | It’s too Shameful

You do not need to feel ashamed for going to counseling or asking for help. Every married couple experiences conflict. When two sinners come together, live under the same roof, and are required to work together, conflict is inevitable. Most likely the person you go to for counsel will be quick to remind you that he or she went through many of the exact same issues you are dealing with.

Also, don’t forget the beauty of humility. God calls his followers to be humble, not prideful. Instead of feeling ashamed that your marriage is imperfect and filled with flaws, humbly come before God recognizing your utter dependence on him. It is in our weaknesses that his strength is most seen (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). Let this be a time of God being magnified through your inability to live out the perfect marriage on your own.

Excuse #2 | My Marriage Isn’t In That Much Trouble

Marriage counseling does not equate being on the edge of divorce. This was a false belief I had to move past before I was able to humbly receive counsel. I didn’t want people thinking I was near divorce. My marriage was not in trouble, so in some ways I viewed counseling as “beneath” us.

However, it isn’t wise to wait until your breaking point before going to counseling. Why would you wait to fix your cracked windshield until it shatters? Wouldn’t you rather fix the problem while it is small? We need to be diligent in guarding our marriages and watching for issues that might be sneaking it. Don’t wait until that temptation gives birth to sin. Don’t wait until that argument becomes a violent fight. Don’t wait until you accidentally say, “I hate you.” We need to start dealing with problems while they are only newly sprouted, rather than putting them off until they are deeply rooted and fill our hearts with bitterness.

Don’t view counseling as a punishment or shameful task; view it as purposeful sanctification and mortification of sin. This a time of growth, learning to love each other better, and making your marriage a better testimony of the gospel. Marital counseling is not only for the divorced, separated, violent, unfaithful, and unhappily married. Marital counseling is for those who recognize their marriage is no longer glorifying God and desire to change it.

Excuse #3 | There Are No Christian / Biblical Counselors to Counsel Us

If you are without a local biblical counselor, married friends, pastors, church elders, and family members are still an excellent marriage resource. Wisdom comes with age and much study of Scripture, which is why older married friends are such a blessing to have, whether or not you are experiencing difficulty in your marriage.

Excuse #4 | We Will Never Change

Don’t lose hope, friend. God changed you by his glorious gospel; he took you as a wretched, rebellious, God-hating sinner and gave you a new heart to love and obey him. If that is not proof enough, remember the darkened, hard heart of Paul of Tarsus; he was a persecutor of believers who by God’s grace became an apostle of Christ and wrote much of the New Testament. God can change your marriage. You are not beyond his ability to repair. As a believer, you have the hope that God will not leave you unfinished. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NASB). God will not abandon you. For his glory, he will work on you and sanctify you. Don’t lose hope.

A Final Encouragement

Whatever it is that is holding you back from going to counseling—whether it be fear, shame, doubt, or bitterness—it is time to put that off and deal with the issues at hand. Don’t continue to smother them. Don’t allow your marriage to suffer any longer. Talk to someone, be truthful, be vulnerable, pray, and do it all to the glory of God.

Written for Strength & Song by Lara d’Entremont: wife, mama, writer.

I Want To Be Nehemiah

Before you remind me I am a girl, let me clarify and say Nehemiah is a go-getter. God said jump. Nehemiah did it and added a round of push-ups on the end for good measure. And while he was doing them, he convinced hundreds of people to join him. It’s like he sent an invitation to crazy town, and people looked around and knew this goal, this dream, this desire was just what being a Christian looked like in action. This is exactly how I want to parent.

I want to be Nehemiah.

God spoke to him, and before he dared utter a word, he prayed to God for wisdom, guidance, clarity, words.

I want to be Nehemiah.

God called him to such an outlandish task, he had no hope of completing it without God’s absolute favor. So he asked for it. He believed in it. He walked in it. Scoffers be darned, he didn’t follow them anyway. He followed God. God be blessed and pass it along.

I want to be Nehemiah.

He managed to motivate men to volunteer their efforts, muscles, energy, and eventually their lives. He knew what they were fighting for, and he keyed into that purpose and spent his breath encouraging and committing to them. One writer says it this way, “He invited them to play a role in God’s story”. Whoa. What?

A role in God’s story? But I do that! It’s called parenting. It’s called mentoring. It’s called discipleship. It’s called following the prompting of the Holy Spirit. It’s called using my gifts to bring God glory. It’s called being a Missionary Mom.

Nehemiah did all of this and said, “yes,” to being part of God’s story. And he was granted favor.

His goal was not only God approved, but it was a part of God’s story. That wall was protection. That wall was God’s glory, and we see that repeatedly throughout this story.

Men built the wall with tools in one hand and a sword in their other. This is how we are called to parent our kids. As warriors. Like Nehemiah.

It feels too big when we look at what Nehemiah accomplished through hindsight. Even when we know God was with him every step of the way. But God isn’t asking us to build a wall around our city or fight three angry nations. He’s just asking us to take the next right step. Just like every biblical great who’s come before us. Just like Nehemiah.

Written for Strength & Song by Shontell Brewer: wife, mama of five, and author of Missionary Mom.

Motherhood as a Mission Field

There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

This same principle certainly applies to mission fields, too. The closer you get to home, the less intriguing the work of sacrifice seems. As someone once said, “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.”

When you are a mother at home with your children, the church is not clamoring for monthly ministry updates. When you talk to other believers, there is not any kind of awe about what you are sacrificing for the gospel. People are not pressing you for needs you might have, how they can pray for you. It does not feel intriguing, or glamorous. Your work is normal, because it is as close to home as you can possibly be. You have actually gone so far as to become home.

Home: The Headwaters of Mission

If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ, you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the church.

There are a number of ways in which mothers need to study their own roles, and begin to see them not as boring and inconsequential, but as home, the headwaters of missions.

At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.

Faith Makes the Small Offering Great

If you are like me, then you may be thinking, “What did I ever give up for them? A desk job? Time at the gym? Extra spending money? My twenty-year-old figure? Some sleep?” Doesn’t seem like much when you put it next to the work of some of the great missionaries, people who gave their lives for the gospel.

Think about the feeding of the five thousand when the disciples went out and rounded up the food that was available. It wasn’t much. Some loaves. Some fish. Think of some woman pulling her fish out and handing it to one of the disciples. That had to have felt like a small offering. But the important thing about those loaves and those fish was not how big they were when they were given; it was about whose hands they were given into. In the hands of the Lord, that offering was sufficient. It was more than sufficient. There were leftovers. Given in faith, even a small offering becomes great.

Look at your children in faith, and see how many people will be ministered to by your ministering to them. How many people will your children know in their lives? How many grandchildren are represented in the faces around your table now?

Gain What You Cannot Lose in Them

So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it? I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel.

But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now.

Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore.

Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

Feeding Many with Little Offerings

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions if you don’t have one for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied — and even then, there will be leftovers.

Originally written for Desiring God by Rachel Jankovic. Used with permission.

God's Goodness in Miscarriage

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I know the night won't last

Your Word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus, You're still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again

The song started, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep it together. “You have never failed me yet…” I started to cry, I could barely believe the words that were being sung - let alone sing them myself.

I left the sanctuary, ran into the parents’ room, and found two tiny babies playing with their moms. I couldn’t stay there. I left the room and stood at the door. God wanted me to worship. Even if I wasn’t singing, I needed to hear these words.

Just two days prior to this Sunday service, I had been in the hospital for a Dilation and Curettage. I had miscarried at 16 weeks. We unexpectedly went to my OB earlier in the week to see the dark ultrasound, the spot where the baby’s heart was no longer beating.  

I felt failed by God. My womb that had been filled with joy and life was now empty, and so was I. Sadly, I had already been in this place before. In between the births of my two sons, I had also experienced a late-term miscarriage.

Loss is nearly impossible to understand. Feelings of shame, regret, fear, anger, and guilt are all normal. If you’re in the midst of this, let yourself feel these emotions. Rely on God to reveal Himself in the midst of it all.

Most verses of comfort I would seek also made me angry. Like James 1:17, which says, “Everything good comes from God.” How is this GOOD? It is really hard to process through verses like this, but that’s just it; it is a part of the process, and that is GOOD.

This verse popped up on my Instagram feed several days after my loss while working on this article. God clearly spoke to me, not something I have personally experienced too often.

He reminded me that losing a child is not good, but He is good. He does not promise me a life without struggles, but He promises me a life where He will see me through these trials, and that IS good. Glorifying him through this loss is GOOD. I will see my angel babies again, and that is GOOD.  

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

For me, good looks like being open with my losses - speaking at moms’ groups, sharing my story in this article. Talking with a nursing friend who wants to support grieving moms in the hospital setting. Having compassion and understanding for loss, that I wouldn’t have without the experience of loss myself. This is GOOD. God is in this. He is GOOD.

Find the good, whatever that looks like for you, and give thanks to God for it.

The song continues:

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus, You’re still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again

The day after that Sunday service, this song played on repeat for me. I sang God’s praises again. He loves me, He loves you, and He loves our children.

Written by Becca Bergman. Used with permission.

Song quoted is “Do It Again” by Elevation Worship.