Dear Husband: A Letter Following His Arrest
Zhang Xinyue, the wife of Early Rain Covenant Church elder Li Yingqiang, wrote the following letter to her husband the night after he was arrested and charged with “picking quarrels and provoking trouble.”
Last night I slept well. When I woke up this morning, I heard that you had been taken away. At that moment, my heart had great peace because I knew you had already prepared for this moment long ago.
I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. I’m sure things are hard for you right now, too. So I’ll just accompany you in your sleeplessness. I want to tell you a few things in case you might see this.
I heard that they usually bring you back to your home when they search it. I subconsciously hoped to use that opportunity to see you for a moment, but they still haven’t come. I’m not going to wait any longer. I’m not afraid of them at all. On the contrary, I pity them. I hope you do, too.
I know you must be worried about me, because you’ve seen how much of a mess I’ve been lately. But I’m doing very well now. I’ve loved the Lord more these past two days than I ever have before. More than anything, my heart is joyful and at peace. At night, tears flow by themselves. But it’s not grief. It’s hard to say exactly what it is. I just spent a long time thinking about it, and I’m still thinking to myself, “Why are you crying?” I finally asked myself, “Aren’t you willing to experience this tiny little bit of pain for the Lord?” My conclusion was, “I’m willing.” I’m very willing, because I know that this slight, momentary affliction is not worth comparing to that eternal glory that is to come. I’m willing to foot that bill. So why am I crying? It might just be because I’m human. But you can completely relax. Crying is one thing. Finishing crying is another. I allow myself to cry, but I haven’t felt the least bit of despair. Even if I look for it, I can’t find any. Sometimes I want to despair for a moment and grieve a little bit, but I really don’t feel like it. So, forget about it. I think the Lord has replaced that despair with his fullness.
The little ones miss you. I told them, “Missing daddy is normal. It would be strange not to miss him. If you miss him, then miss him.” Little Di then immediately said, “After we fall asleep, we won’t miss him anymore.” And then he immediately fell asleep.
This afternoon I prayed with you according to our agreed upon time. Sorry, I was ten or so minutes late.
Lastly, I want to say that knowing what I’m going to receive as a result of what I’m going through now makes me feel so much better. I really do thank our Father in Heaven. His plans are most certainly the best. They cannot be mistaken. So, what more is there to say? I will joyfully accept them.
I love you! I’m going to bed now.
12/12/2018, 3:52 a.m.
我知道你肯定挺为我担心的，因为最近 我在你面前的表现实在太糟糕了，但是我现在 挺好的，这两天我比以往任何时候都爱主，心里更多的是平安喜乐。夜晚的时候，眼泪会自 己流出来，但不是悲伤，具体说不上是什么原因，刚才我实实在在为这事想了很久，我在想，我哭啥子呢？最后我问自己，你难道不想为了主，经历这一点点的痛苦吗？结论是:我愿愆，很愿意，因为我知道，这至暂至轻的痛苦，和将来永久的茉耀相比，实在是不值一 提，这个账我还是会算的。那我为什么哭呢？ 可能只是因为我还是个人吧。只是你完全可以 放心，哭是一回瑱，哭完是另一回事。我允许 自己哭，但是我一点也没有绝望的感觉，想找 也找不出来。有时候我想绝望一下，悲惝一 下，但是实在是没有那种感觉，还是算了。我想是主已经把那个绝望填满了吧。
娃们还是会想你，我对他们说，想爸爸 才是正常的，不想才奇怪呢，想就想呗。小弟 马上说，睡卷了就不想了。然后他们马上就睡着了。
Letter found here.