Do You Regret Having Children?

A recent article in the New York Post highlights a Facebook group entitled "I Regret Having Children." The online group is a place for moms to share their regret without shame. The comments range from the typical grumblings that I think most parents utter when they’re tired to very strong lament and ideation of leaving one’s children behind in pursuit of the life she lost:

It’s not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son.

I’m desperately sad. I love my children very much but I preferred life before and I want it back.

I’m just a frazzled mess all the time with no confidence. I wake up and cry knowing it’s just another day of dealing with crying arguing whiny children.

Since having them I’ve become increasingly bitter, depressed and angry. 

All parents at one time or another have looked longingly back at the days before they had kids and marveled at the freedom and productivity they once possessed. When tending to a fussy baby in the middle of the night, it’s normal to realize that your pre-parent life was a lot easier. But what leads to regret year after year? What causes some moms to never stop wishing their children away? And how can we help?  

Based on my years in women’s ministry, the many hours my husband and I have spent counseling couples, and—let me be honest—hard looks into my own selfish heart, I can see four primary reasons today’s parents live with regret:

1.  Seeking fulfillment in the wrong place

Regret is not unique to parenthood. People regret taking jobs, getting married, and even going into ministry. When we seek ultimate fulfillment in temporary roles and things, we are disappointed. While these things may indeed provide good gifts, they will never fully satisfy our hearts. 

It is in God alone that we find deep, lasting fulfillment. Scripture tells us that, “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11) and “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst’” (John 6:35).  The New City Catechism reminds us that God is our creator and he made us to “know him, love him, live with him, and glorify him. And it is right that we who were created by God should live to his glory.” 

In our consumer-driven culture we are persuaded daily that joy will come when we get married, get the new car, move into the bigger house, have a baby, and carry the latest designer baby bag. Our flesh wants cheap satisfaction in the things of this world—but if we seek ultimate fulfillment in any role other than being created by God for his glory, we will be disappointed and have regret. 

2.  The idol of autonomy 

At this moment in human history, it could be argued that the right to self-determination is the highest value of western civilization. Our quest for autonomy is insatiable. We have laws and cultural norms that deem any boundaries or hindrance on one’s human freedom to be outdated and oppressive. This cultural mood of “I can be who I want to be and no one can tell me otherwise” leaks into all of our relationships, including parenting. These messages so permeate our surroundings that when anything hinders our freedom we cry foul. And so it is with children. 

3.  Imbalanced societal views of career and roles inside the home

As a woman and mom of four daughters, I see messages daily that say a women’s worth is equal to her ability to be as male as possible.  Alastair Roberts rightly says, “our culture perceives the ‘potential’ of women largely in terms of their liberation from their nature, rather than in their flourishing within the inherent directionality and order of that nature.” Women are considered oppressed if they bear children and mother them. Our society seeks to liberate us, giving us the choice to do away with our babies, so that we may thrive in a successful career outside the home. Women’s liberation is actually the “manning” of women, as Roberts says.  And so, the natural role of mother is devalued and women feel this when they stay home to parent. We feel less successful, less important, less useful, less than all the other roles society tells us to pursue. 

4.  Lack of community

A final contributing factor to women (and men) regretting having children is that we live in isolation. It is common knowledge that communal living is largely missing from western society and it is to our detriment. A Psychology Today article confirms, “One of the most destructive problems is the breakdown of community, and it is this breakdown that has often led to the breakdown of persons. Though we may put many around us, we are alone. Relationships have become superficial, there is no longer concern for the other, and we are pressed by societal and financial pressures to focus on our own survival.”  

Moms who regret having children walk through their disappointment alone. We no longer chat with each other over the fence or on the front porch. We isolate ourselves in our homes and apartments and suffer alone—often medicating our pain with drugs and alcohol. Moms don’t have friends with whom they can share their authentic discouragement. We use social media to put our best foot forward and don’t lean on our neighbors when we need help. Alone, our regret festers. 

How can we respond? 

1.  Renew our minds

As we experience regret and disappointment we must first renew our own minds. Dissatisfaction is not unique to moms—it is shared by all of us who live in a fallen world. We must fight for joy, rehearsing to ourselves the truth about the source of our joy and the purpose of our lives. Right thinking does not come naturally. Rather we must “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2). When marriage, jobs, material possessions, people, and even parenting do not deliver the on the promises we thought they would, it’s crucial that we recall that God “satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9). He will help us. He will fill us. He will meet us in our regret.

2.  Create community

Reaching out to others and creating community right where we are will not only minister to our own souls, but to others as well. The Apostle Paul knew this and therefore instructs us to “seek to show hospitality” (Romans 12:13). Building bridges, bearing one another’s burdens, sharing meals, and finding the commonalities between us works wonders in the human heart. The Psychology Today article referenced above says, “So if we are to truly be alive, to truly move beyond surviving to thriving, if we are to truly be human beings rather than alienated beings or drugged zombies, then we are going to need to return to the sense of community, to lay aside the barriers, and to be able to realize our common humanity.”  

If you are a Christian mom, I strongly encourage you to be on the lookout for other moms who seem to be alone. Pay attention to the other women at the park, or in the gymnastics waiting room, or in the elementary school pickup line. I think it’s safe to say that we often appear to have it all together, while inwardly we’d all love to share our joys and sorrows with a friend. I’ve lived back in the States now for 18 months and I can truly say that all of my new friendships began with a shy smile and a warm hello. As humans we long for connection. 

Lastly, consider starting a women’s Bible study in your home. This may seem too high a calling or perhaps out of left field. But after leading women’s Bible studies almost every single week for the last 17 years, I can tell you that there’s no better venue for meeting both the felt needs and the spiritual needs of women in your community. The necessary ingredients are easier to come by than you may think: a space to gather, a place for the kids to play while the moms talk, some coffee and a snack, a DVD player and TV to show a Bible lesson provided by a gifted Bible teacher, and an empathetic and welcoming hostess.

As of this moment in American society, it is still acceptable for a Christian woman to invite a non-Christian woman to Bible study. Having recently lived in an atheist country, I know firsthand that’s not the case around the world. However, right now in the States, one girlfriend can still invite another to come read the Bible with her and some other ladies and it’s likely to go very well. What I have seen time and time again is a believing woman invite a non-believing woman to Bible study and the new attendee is met with warmth and encouragement and new friends who “get” her station in life. This welcoming atmosphere is unlike any other she has experienced and she soon wakes up to her spiritual depravity. One thing leads to another and this new friend meets Jesus, refocuses her longings and energies, and finds true joy where she once had deep pain. I’ve seen it happen so many times.  

May we take advantage of this moment in our culture and “walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time” (Colossians 4:5). Women who regret having children need not persist in their isolation and despair. We have the antidote and we have the calling and the privilege to share it.

Originally written and published by Jen Oshman: wife, mom of four girls, missionary, writer. Used with permission.

Do You Ever Feel Insignificant?

Hey young moms, do you ever feel insignificant, raising kids at home, picking up toys, wiping up spills, refereeing squabbles? Do you wonder if God’s forgotten about you or overlooked you? I wonder if Mary felt this way, having to give birth to the Son of God in a small barn surrounded by the sounds and smells of animals! Talk about feeling insignificant.

I really struggled with feeling insignificant as a younger mom with toddlers.

I felt that my life’s work could be summed up in a picture: the ocean waves coming in and destroying the sandcastle I built the hour before. All of my work was undone in minutes.

I wondered how God would use me when I was stuck in the house!

I wondered if God noticed me as I picked up Cheerios off the floor.

God did more than just see me. He was moulding me and used that time to change me. God often uses wilderness times to prepare us to really know Him before we are used of Him for some task. He used every frustrating situation to point out the pride in my heart. He was softening rough edges, sweetening a sarcastic tongue, and teaching me to trust Him.

In hindsight, I wondered if child raising mattered. Wasn’t this job limiting my creativity and squelching my opportunities? How would I pursue my passions and use the gifts God has given me to pursue my art and writing with kids hanging on my apron strings?

As if watching God’s children is not important enough or big enough. As if raising the next generation was the secondary work to the really important stuff of this world.

Maybe you’re in the trenches with little ones today. Maybe you feel overlooked and unseen. Maybe you dread the mundane and, if you were honest, would say that you desire a few more mountaintop moments yourself.

Turns out, life is more often lived in the mundane, and those little moments of quiet faithfulness are the building blocks of our lives. They are the times when God puts us on His potter’s wheel and remolds us and makes us into the shape, purpose, vessel He intends for us.

In the wee hours of the morning, when we are caring for an aging parent, when we are referring toddler squabbles or dealing with an unreasonable person on the phone, these are the moments that define our moulding. Will we submit to God’s work, and worry about His glory, or will we kick, scream, and demand our rights? It totally depends on what our heart adores and who rules our life, doesn’t it?

Paul Tripp made this point in “Advent” and I wanted to share it with you:

You and I live in little moments, and if God doesn’t rule our little moments and doesn’t work to recreate us in the middle of them, then there is no hope for us, because that’s where you and I live.The little moments of life are profoundly important precisely because they are the little moments that we live in and that form us. This is where I think “Big Drama Christianity” gets us into trouble. It can cause us to devalue the significance of the little moments of life and the “small change” grace that meets us there. Because we devalue the little moments where we live, we don’t tend to notice the sin that gets exposed there. We fail to seek the grace that’s offered to us. You see, the character of a life is not set in two or three dramatic moments, but in 10,000 little moments. The character that was formed in those little moments is what shapes how you respond to the big moments of life.

Mary was literally insignificant, poor, and unknown, but not unseen by God. God saw her humility and faithfulness demonstrated in her daily walk. God knew her heart, her purity and peace and contentment…and isn’t it true that God cares more about our affection for Him than our exploits for Him? He measures “BIG THINGS” in a different way than we do.  BIG in God’s economy is humble, small, dependent and trusting. BIG in God’s economy is faithful, willing, ready. BIG in God’s economy is obedient, submissive, and pure in heart and that should give us hope because we can all do those big things.

Originally written by Sarah Beals of Joy-Filled Days. Used with permission.

Helping Our Children Walk in Wisdom…Self Control

“Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!”

Mothering became a full time job I knew I had to devote my life to when I began to look at Scripture and understand my responsibility to impart spiritual wisdom to my children. That it was more than crayons and protecting them from germs and making sure they ate enough carrots: it was a dividing line between what others expect and what God requires.

This “imparting of wisdom” is not just a nice parenting term to toss around; it plays itself out day by day, hour by hour, in the details of life. Someone is daily beside our children pointing them to wisdom or foolishness, teaching them in all things, whether right or wrong.

Anyone home all day with little ones (who understands this idea of imparting wisdom) knows the enormous time and mental energy it takes to raise children. My sister-in-law and I discussed parenting issues the other day and I thought as we talked, “it’s no wonder motherhood–24-hour motherhood–is so unpopular….it’s hard!”

Do hard things.

These verses we read this morning are just one small area that spoke volumes to me about my responsibility to teach my children to walk in wisdom:

“Who is wise among you?  Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom….For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work….But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”

Boy if that’s not chocked full of parenting! After all, how does a person learn “good conversation” full of meekness and gentleness and willing to yield? Because believe me, my children didn’t come that way. I’m not wired that way. It’s a daily seeking of life-changing wisdom by all of us! Me from my Father, and my children from me.

The Lord has really been showing me lately the importance of our speech–the words we say, and especially how we say them. If you listen closely, children do what comes naturally…they use volume and intensity to get what they want. Sometimes they use threats and insults. It’s a simple matter of a lack of self-control mingled with sinfulness. As we point to the sin of it, God begins a work in their hearts. In the mean time, we help them with habits that will meet that work. Self-control is not usually common to us; it is a trait that must be learned. (And unfortunately, a very important trait that many never learn that later has devastating consequences in their lives.) That one trait can take years! And mothers, we are the primary catalyst for that transformation in our children. Sorry, we just are, as heavy as that is.

Let’s get practical…

The earlier you can start working on self-control and its practical applications the better. Sometimes a 7 or 8 month-old infant can demonstrate anger during a diaper change and a gentle speaking to her will begin to train her to understand self-control.

Do you have a 1 or 2 year old that has begun his natural responses to not getting his way? Does he scream or hit when another child has something he wants? Begin to replace his natural reaction with a wise one.   (And discipline him when it becomes defiance or disobedience to your instruction.) Show him the right response, the right words, the right behavior. Tell him “No, don’t say….if you want that cup say….”

I’m trying to work with my 3-year old, specifically on her tone of voice. Again, it’s quite natural to raise her voice when she’s frustrated (it’s natural for me ;-)) but by stopping her when I catch it, and simply demonstrating a more controlled response helps her to train herself to display self-control.

And, beauty of motherhood, if I’m aware of my job to teach these traits to them, I must, myself, be given to exercising self-control and gentleness.

This one thing–responding to life with self-control–could it be the very foundation of pointing our children to joy and contentment in life? Ponder all the life-implications of a well-controlled adult and see if he will not look back on his devoted mother with all the gratitude his life can muster and attribute to her the bulk of his earthly successes!

“He who walks with the wise will become wise; but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Originally written by Kelly Crawford of Generation Cedar. Used with permission.

Self-Help or Freedom?

So how good are we?

"The fool has said in his heart,

'There is no God.'

They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity;

There is none who does good.

God looks down from heaven upon the children of men,

To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.

Every one of them has turned aside;

They have together become corrupt;

There is none who does good,

No, not one."

Psalm 53:1-3

"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

Romans 3:23

According to Scripture, none of us is good! HOWEVER:

"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."

Psalm 18:1

"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness."

Psalm 143:10

God is good! Salvation in Jesus Christ means we are covered by His righteousness and freed from bondage to sin:

"For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."

Romans 6:5-7

Hallelujah! Freedom from sin means we can do good; because of His power and by His grace, we can do good.

Does that look like self-help to you?

Nope. It's a whole lot more substantial and freeing, friends.

Written by Amy Parsons.