Are We Training Our Children to Gain the World But Lose Their Souls?

You’re a good mom. You’re a good dad. You want what’s best for your kids. You sacrifice to provide for them. You forego vacations and skimp on retirement savings to give them good gifts. 

In the affluent West in 2018, those good gifts often take the form of youth sports. In fact, 63% of American families spend $100 to $500 per month, per kid, on youth sports (USA Today). There’s an unspoken rule among us that says, The more we invest in our kids’ sports, the better childhood they will have, and the more successful adults they will be.

We sign them up for t-ball, baseball, and softball as early as allowed. We shop around for the best soccer team, and then drive across town multiple nights a week for practice. And we commit every summer weekend to swim meets. 

We want them to be good teammates, to have a good work ethic, to get good exercise. We want them to be socialized, and not indoors in front of screens. We even see the opportunity for a future college scholarship.

The youth sports season forms the rhythm of life for good American parents who are doing their best. 

We Want to Give Good Gifts 

Our hearts are in the right place. Even though we are fallen, we are still like our Father in heaven, so it’s our intuition as moms and dads to give good gifts to our children. That has always been true across cultures and throughout time. 

Jesus referenced this in the Sermon on the Mount when he asked, “Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?…If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:9, 11).

But what if, in our effort to equip our children for a lifetime of success, we’re actually setting them up to hear the final, terrible words, “I never knew you; depart from me” (Matthew 7:23)?

As we strive to be good parents and give good gifts to our kids, is it possible that we’re instead showing them how to gain the whole world and lose their souls? 

The Best Gift

We can’t miss Jesus’ words on this. He said, 

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26)

If we want our children to find life, they must deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow Jesus. He is actually the best gift. He said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).

Indeed, traveling with the hockey team will impart lifelong lessons. And rising through the ranks of youth tennis will yield great confidence. These gifts are not sinful, or immoral, or even necessarily unwise. But Jesus calls us to put them in their proper place. They are good gifts, but they are not the best gift—and they might even have to be lost for the sake of gaining Christ. 

Taking Jesus’ warning to heart, we moms and dads must ask ourselves if we’re exerting as much enthusiasm and effort and energy on our kids’ spiritual lives as we are on their athletic achievements.

If we are truly dedicated to giving our kids good gifts, we must give them the good news about Jesus.

How to Present the Best Gift

A recent survey asked Christian adults who were raised in Christian homes about the spiritual disciplines present in their homes while growing up (Lifeway Research). Researchers wanted to find out what their parents had done to raise kids who continued to follow Christ long after they left home. 

Here are the five most common activities reported as being practiced in the homes of these Christian adults: 

1. The child regularly read the Bible. 

2. The child regularly spent time in prayer. 

3. The child regularly spent time serving in the church. 

4. The child regularly listened to Christian music.  

5. The child participated in church mission trips or projects. 

Rather than shaping our lives around youth sports, let’s consider shaping our lives around these abundant-life-giving activities. Let’s consider, as families, how we might be in the Word, pray, serve, worship through music, and pursue missions. These practices will lead all of us into a deeper and more joyful walk with Jesus (John 15:10-11). 

Of course, we know that our salvation and our children’s salvation from the penalty, power, and (one day) presence of sin is not dependent on us. Only God can reconcile each of us to himself. Paul says in Ephesians, 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not the result of works, so that no one may boast. (2:8-9)

Though Christ alone accomplished the work of salvation—through his suffering, death on the cross, and resurrection—we still toil with all his energy that his Spirit powerfully works in us to proclaim Jesus to our kids (Colossians 1:29). May we obediently present Jesus over and over to them (Matthew 28:19), and then trust in him alone to do his good and perfect will.

Is Presenting This Gift Your Priority? 

Parents, let’s ask ourselves: Do we really believe that Jesus is the best gift we can present to our kids? Do our schedules and homes reflect these values? Do our words and lives and hearts profess that he alone is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6)? 

For what will it profit a child if he gains the traveling team and forfeits his soul? Or if she gains Junior Olympics and forfeits her soul? 

As we strive and sacrifice to give our children the good gifts of this world, may we not lead them to forfeit their souls. May we teach them to lose their lives for Jesus’ sake. May we show them abundant life in him. 

We want to be the best parents we can be, so let’s present our kids the best gift we can offer.

Originally written by Jen Oshman. Used with permission.

Self-Help or Freedom?

So how good are we?

"The fool has said in his heart,

'There is no God.'

They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity;

There is none who does good.

God looks down from heaven upon the children of men,

To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.

Every one of them has turned aside;

They have together become corrupt;

There is none who does good,

No, not one."

Psalm 53:1-3

"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

Romans 3:23

According to Scripture, none of us is good! HOWEVER:

"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."

Psalm 18:1

"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness."

Psalm 143:10

God is good! Salvation in Jesus Christ means we are covered by His righteousness and freed from bondage to sin:

"For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin."

Romans 6:5-7

Hallelujah! Freedom from sin means we can do good; because of His power and by His grace, we can do good.

Does that look like self-help to you?

Nope. It's a whole lot more substantial and freeing, friends.

Written by Amy Parsons.

Making Time for Word-Filled Ministry

Question: How can we make time for word-filled ministry in the midst of our busy lives? 

Answer: First of all, there is plenty of grace for busy seasons of life. The needs of our families and churches and jobs ebb and flow and sometimes we’re consumed by different projects or newborn babies. Every season is unique in regard to how much time we have available to study the Word. 

With that said, however, if we desire to grow in our Christian faith or if we are women in Christian leadership, then we must strive and exert ourselves to prioritize Bible study. Spiritual maturity will not happen on the margins of life. Further, leaders must be prepared and out ahead of those whom they serve—not to be puffed up or perfect by any means, but leaders lead and they are, by definition, ahead. 

1. Whether you and I are single, married, or moms, of first importance is making some foundational and difficult decisions about how we’re going to spend ourselves—our time, our energy, our money, and more. It’s helpful to think ahead a decade or 30 or 50 years. What kind of woman and Christ-follower do you want to be? What will it take to get there? 

If we endeavor to know Christ deeply, then we must make time for study. In the US, we have so many options for how we might spend our time—sports, clubs, hobbies, good causes, and on and on. Buffets of options abound and if we want to stay sane, healthy, and not burned out, we must choose wisely. My encouragement to singles and families alike is to limit your activities to just one or two (or whatever number is necessary) so that you can make space for plenty of time at home to be still and in the scriptures.

2. After we’ve setup some strict boundaries about how we’re going to spend our lives, we must make the most of the opportunities we do have to get into the Word. 

For personal absorption during an especially taxing season (new baby, geographic transition, new job), I find it helpful to not only read the Bible, but to also listen to it. I like the ESV Bible app and listening to Scripture set to songs, such as Hidden In My Heart or Seeds Family Worship. Why not let the Word of God dwell in you while you’re driving or cleaning or putting the kids to bed?

If you’re finding it hard to do Bible study because you have kids, consider doing it with them. Teaching your kids is a great way to get the Word into yourself. Take time to share Bible stories or read chunks of scripture together at meals, bedtime, or snack time after school. Some helpful resources are The Bible Project, Big Truths for Young Hearts: Teaching and Learning the Greatness of God, The Radical Book for Kids: Exploring the Roots and Shoots of Faith, The New City Catechism: 52 Questions and Answers for Our Hearts and Minds, and Exploring the Bible: A Bible Reading Plan for Kids. 

If you’re tempted to skip personal Bible study altogether because you feel overwhelmed, look for ways to integrate at least small portions of Scripture into your day—everyday doesn’t have to be an in-depth, inductive day! 

Other helpful tools include podcasts such as RisenMotherhood, Help Me Teach The Bible with Nancy Guthrie, Revive Our Hearts, or Flower Mound Women’s Bible Study. Or look for Bible study workbooks you can do alone or with a group. Or simply grab a friend and read a chapter together, share reflections, and pray together. 

3. For those who teach/facilitate Word-filled women’s ministry, we really must put in the time for our own study. We have to do whatever it takes to make it happen! Ignore the house, put on a video for the kids, buy frozen pizza. As leaders we cannot compromise on this. Or, simply, as women of God, there really are no shortcuts for meditating on the Word and letting it dwell in us richly. 

4. Hosting is, in my experience, the best way to stay consistent, year in and year out. If you host women’s Bible study in your own home, then you will never miss it! If ladies are coming to your home and expecting you to lead, you will be prepared! It works like a charm. 

5. Let’s be human and walk in our finiteness. Take a Sabbath. Get good sleep. Cut other things out of life to make room for the Word (rather than cut the Word out to make time for the other things). In the end, we really will do that which we want to do. 

6. Finally, let’s pray that God would increase our desire for his Word! During dry seasons I myself have prayed, Lord, you know I just don’t feel like reading your Word today (or abiding in you or praying to you, etc). I feel lazy/discouraged/distracted/whatever. Please help me want to want to draw near to you. Amen. 

May you and I remember that we toil to make Christ known with all his energy in us (Colossians 1:28-29). For we are God’s workmanship, created in Jesus for good works, so let’s walk in them (Ephesians 2:10).

Originally written by Jen Oshman: wife, mom of four girls, missionary, writer. Used with permission.

Comparison Is Not the Thief of Joy

Comparison isn’t the thief of joy.

Helping my seven-year-old write a compare-and-contrast essay on puppies and kittens is like a jaunt into the human psyche. We educate our kids so that they’re really good at articulating what’s the same and what’s different. We make sure they can evaluate all the ways a puppy measures up to a kitten. But when they notice a child in a wheelchair or a figure skating man who’s acting like a girl, we clam up and wish they hadn’t noticed any of it. And once they start drawing comparisons with themselves, we do more than clam up; we call it sin.

If Teddy Roosevelt’s maxim is true, that “comparison is the thief of joy,” then it seems we’re all comparing and contrasting our happiness away.

Roosevelt is clearly onto something. Head over to Pinterest or Instagram or Facebook, and you’ll see a thousand posts memorializing his proverb. Listen to Christian talks, sermons, and podcasts, and you will start to think that this little saying is God’s — all that’s missing is chapter and verse. The solution seems plain then: stop doing that. Stop measuring yourself up against others. Stop noticing the discrepancies; it will only lead to misery.

The problem is that we can’t stop comparing. Comparison is a fundamental part of being human, because it’s how we acquaint ourselves with reality. The very first thing Adam did when he saw Eve was to write his own brief compare and contrast essay. “She’s like me! Only different!”

Not only is it impossible to opt out of comparing, but God actually wants us to do it.

Comparing Is Necessary

Comparing is how we discover what holiness is. It’s how we see what is set apart as distinct from us. It’s also how we know what we ought to be like. To abandon comparing is to abandon our understanding of God, and of ourselves. What we need to do is train ourselves how to compare properly, not cut ourselves off from the necessity of comparison.

If we took all the measuring — the comparing and contrasting — out of the Bible, we wouldn’t have much of a book left. God’s laws and instructions fundamentally help us to see what we are and are not, what we should and shouldn’t be. They also help us see how we measure up to others, so that we can either imitate them or do the opposite of them. This is not sin — it is essential to growth, and health, as Christians.

My concern is that, far from letting comparison fuel our growth in godliness, we actually have trained Christians that it’s good to ignore the ways someone else might be doing something well, so that they can spare themselves the discomfort of how they might not measure up. With this logic, bad feelings about my situation or sin problem are the real issue — that’s what must be avoided. When we admonish ourselves or others to stop comparing, we may actually be insulating ourselves from reality.

Of course, we have to evaluate if the comparisons we’re making are real or not. We shouldn’t compare our real life (the house with actual people in it and sticky faces and hair-raising smells) with the fake life of someone we’ve never met on Instagram (the tasteless, odorless, iocane-powder version). That’s a false comparison. Remember, our goal is figuring out what’s real and true, not inoculating ourselves to it through make-believe images.

Make Comparisons Fuel Joy

What if, rather than pretending not to notice that our friend is excelling in homemaking and parenting (while we’re scraping by), we honored her by giving thanks to God for her obedience, her diligence, and her example of Christ that we can follow? What if we started observing her more closely, making more comparisons rather than less, so that we could tease out the principles of godliness present in her life and do likewise?

What if, rather than smugly disdaining the mom who can’t get her act together, we offered her a better way? What if we actually said with Paul, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ,” not because we think we’re better than she is, but because God has really done something profound in us and we’re confident he can do it in her, too (1 Corinthians 11:1)?

Leading our comparisons in the right direction — away from envy, pride, covetousness, and self-pity, and toward Christlike imitation and the fear of God — will turn us into better parents, mentors, and friends.

Parenting Children Through Comparison

Faithful parenting means discipling our children into reality. Many parents balk when their kids make observations about themselves and their siblings like, “I’m not good at school. Eliza’s good at school.” We rush in to say, “Oh no, honey! You are good at school!” But, are they? Does it even matter to us as parents if what they’ve said is accurate or not? It should.

If our child is doing poorly in school and their sibling is doing great, we shouldn’t pretend like that’s not the case. If we do that, we will be training them to ignore what’s real. We will be training them that true speech is too scary or too difficult for us to handle and, therefore, too difficult for them to handle. We will give them the impression that what’s different about them is so scary and hard to deal with that it’s unspeakable. We shove reality out of the picture so that we can coddle them — while really we’re coddling ourselves. We ignore deficiencies as if they were too much to bear.

But what if we acknowledged that what they’re saying is true, at least in part? Their sister is doing well in school and they are struggling. Then, we can shepherd them to give thanks to God for how he’s made their sister, and ask God for the discipline and grace to help them do better. And while they struggle, we can teach them to ask God for the contentment in the areas that are hard for them, and give thanks for the particular strengths he’s given them that are different than how he’s gifted their sibling.

We won’t be able to do any of that if we haven’t asked God for the thick gospel-skin that helps us live in a world of differences and similarities, without making it all about a narcissistic insecurity that someone, somewhere has more than me, or is working harder than me, or is doing better than me. That is a sickly way for Christians to live! In Christ, we have it all — we dare not dishonor him by our self-pity (Romans 8:32).

Differences Are God’s Design

The Bible assumes some will have more faith, and some less. Some will have this gift and another that gift. Some will be rich and some will be poor. Some beautiful, some homely. Some with lovely homes, some with drab. There will be children with disabilities and children without. There are Gentiles and Jews, tribes and tongues, men and women.

The Bible even assumes that some will be more Christlike and mature than others. Noticing these things isn’t a sin, but a gift, and it need not lead to the evaporation of our joy, but can be the water for its growth.

Holy imitation isn’t about cramming ourselves into another’s mold. It’s about recognizing the Christlike principles another has applied to their life and figuring out how to apply them to ours. It’s not about making all of our voices sound the same, but getting us all to learn the same song of the Lamb who was slain. It’s not about making us all identical, but about training all of us, amid our diversity, to walk together in the light of Christ.

Originally written by Abigail Dodds for Desiring God. Used with permission.