Finding Your Tribe

Lord, please bring me women I can do life with!

I’ve prayed this prayer so many times. But He has seen it best that I don’t have a “tribe.” Year after year, I meet people and watch people leave. Some friends I talk to more than others, but the ride-or-dies, the tribe - it hasn’t formed.

God has heard my prayers, and He has patiently and faithfully taught me.

Play date after play date, get-together after get-together, I would enter and run a mental checklist. You know the kind - is she in the same season of life? does she parent like me? is she too ___? does she care about ___? is her hair naturally that color? can’t be, she must spend a bazillion dollars on self-care…

In my desperation to find “the right” friends, I pushed many away (mentally) because they didn’t “fit.” But I have since learned that I shouldn’t treat people like prospective employees, because the business of filtering friendships is not really a thing. At least, it’s not a Godly thing!

People come and go in our lives; different people come in different seasons. None of this is unknown to God - in fact, He knows who we will learn from and grow with at each point in our lives! Instead of trying to create a group of women we think are perfect for our lives, what if we look around at who God has already introduced us to?

I have found that putting my mental checklist aside does wonders. Without those expectations, I am free to love and care about each woman God brings into my life. I am free to treat them as I want to be treated, and I am free to not worry when they don’t reciprocate.

As important as friendships are, we cannot put our faith in them. Other women cannot be our end-all, our ultimate quest in life. We will be disappointed time after time! God gives us the right people at the right times in our lives because He knows best who we need to learn from, and who will learn from us.

Friendships are important; living life solo isn’t preferable. Yet it’s really all about Him - surprise! Have you ever had someone come into your life and teach you an invaluable lesson, simply by being themselves? God uses us to teach each other and point each other to Himself. We learn more about Him and His goodness through each other, which makes sense since we all are made in His image.

I have had many women come into my life at various stages. Some are decades older, and we have remained close over many years. I have gained much wisdom from these women! Some have been in the same season of motherhood, and we have learned to appreciate each other because our children enjoy playing together. Some friendships fit naturally, and some take more work. Some women are good friends I’ve met in very unique ways, and yet we live hundreds and thousands of miles apart.

There is so much beauty in how God crosses paths and leads people to meet each other. There will never be one person who can be all the things for you - only Jesus can fill that role.

Let yourself and others off the hook! Take the women He puts in front of you, of all ages, and get to know them. Be more interested in how you can serve them than how they can serve you. Doing so will allow you some of the richest, worry-free friendships!

If the Lord brings a group of women around you that you are able to share much of life with, praise Him for that! Keep your eyes open to still connect with those who aren’t in your group. If the Lord does not bring you a tight-knit group of women, praise Him for that too and don’t stress over it!

“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”

Psalm 136:1

It sounds simple, and it is - take who He gives you and be thankful for them. Amen!

Our Desperate Need

My prayers have been scattered lately.

I don’t remember how long life has been quarantined, how many ebbs and flows this all has had. But I feel pulled with the tide. In, out. In, out.

As I tuck my kids in and watch the dog settle into sleep, I think all is well. It’s all going to be okay, normal life will come eventually.

Yet I know that’s not true. “Normal” as we knew it won’t be the same “normal” after this.

Lord, when will this end?

Lord, how can people treat each other this horribly?

Lord, what is Your will with all of this?

I find myself praying for simple things, like kind cashiers and enough toilet paper. And then there are deeper things; show me, Lord, how to be a faithful witness to You through all of this; protect my children from this hatred.

Humanity is lost. Every day news stories emerge that drop my jaw and sink my heart. And we are scrambling to make sense of it all, following click-bait and jumping to conclusions and trying to make everyone think like we do.

I watch and I am amazed - this global pandemic has brought out the worst in us. It has brought out so much hatred, so much selfishness. All the inner things of the heart…well, here they are on display.

It isn’t surprising though. Romans tells us, “…there is none who does good, no, not one” (Romans 3:12). All have sinned (3:23). And now, as things are tough for everyone, it all is coming out.

God is sanctifying me. I want to hide in fear; I want to give way to worry over my kids and their future, over the instability of life as I know it. I want to throw fists verbally, give quick responses to people who are wrong or rude to me and my kids. I want to sit everyone down and make it all stop. Yet none of these responses is glorifying to my Lord, and so He reminds me over and over again.

If He has convinced me of anything through this, it’s that the entire world needs the Gospel. There is no policy that will solve things, no government official that will bring perfection, no way of human reasoning that will make people change their evil deeds.

Do you see it too?

Only God can change hearts. Only He can take a sinner, like He did with myself, and make that sinner righteous by the blood of His Son. We can’t do it - we can’t make ourselves good. Only Jesus Christ can make good out of someone inherently evil. Only Jesus can save this world and make things right. How desperately we need Him.

Bringing others to think like we do, act like we do, talk like we do - it isn’t a worthy goal, even if we think we’re doing it after God’s will. The worthy goal is pointing people to Jesus Christ, pointing them to the Bible to be changed by the perfect, unchanging God.

I want to encourage you, sisters in Christ, to be in the Word daily. Read it consistently, let it change you. Go to it to be shaped more and more like your Lord. This is a beautiful thing. And may I challenge you… you have no time for other extracurricular things if you are not in His Word.

I’ve mentioned this particular reading plan before, and I am happily mentioning it again because it has been so fruitful in my life (and the lives of many other women). The Bible Reading Challenge is a wonderful plan to follow for reading through Scripture. We are about to start the summer plan; you can find all the info here. It is solely Scripture, no additives. Whether you jump in with this plan or follow something else, prioritize reading your Bible.

What the world needs most right now is Christians following Christ. I’m praying for you and rooting for you in your walk with Him!

- Amy

Strong Relationships, Part 4

If you missed the first three parts, or need a refresher, read them here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Enjoy this final post!

Some last thoughts that I wish to share with you young mamas:

“Let love be without hypocrisy” (Romans 12:9). I have been asking myself where my love for God, husband, children is hypocritical… where I say I love but act in unloving ways. As my pastor said in his sermon Sunday, children can smell hypocrisy a mile away.

There is much truth in the quote from Nancy Deigh LeMoss that “anything that makes me aware of my need for God is a blessing.” Raising children makes one very aware of their need for the Lord! I have decided a good hallmark hymn for parenting could be: “I need Thee every hour!!”

Actively teach them what sin is, what to do when they sin, why Jesus is the only Savior and how to become a Christian. As with every question your child asks, when they ask you about the Lord and the truth of His Word, listen carefully, respond with direct and clear answers, and use Scripture to verify what you say. There are lots of good books to help you do this, like Leading Little Ones to God. This can be simple: When the kids were really little I read to them from a children’s Bible as they ate lunch in their high chair. Once we finished one Bible we started again with a new one.

Here are some basic principles that create security and build relationships with your child:

Train your children with appropriate boundaries and consequences and expect obedience, but do not expect behavior that is beyond his or her capabilities. Punish disobedience with appropriate measures, but never in anger.

Seek consistency. Speak with kindness and in all other areas seek to model those attributes that you want them to emulate. Desire to live what you teach.

Now our kids are 25, 23 and 20 and we still have these conversations. It’s a lot easier to begin humble and honest conversation when they are young and the topics aren’t so heavy. When you do so, you all develop confidence and practice to know that home/parents are a safe place to dialogue about real issues.

Be slow to speak, quick to hear, slow to become angry. Don’t lecture. Listen well, ask good questions to draw them out, pray…and THEN speak. Try not to overspeak! Kids will eventually tune you out. But if they learn that when they come to you they will receive a calm and thoughtful response, and appropriate discipline - with the goal toward discipleship training and not to punish - from a humble parent who is aware of their own sin struggles, they are more likely to come to you because they’ve learned you really care. And you won’t freak out! 

                “At every family table there is sure to be talking; and the talk that is heard at the family table is sure to have its part in a child’s training, whether the parents wish it to be so or not. … In order to make table-talk valuable, parents must have something to talk about at the table, must be willing to talk about it there, and must have the children lovingly in mind as they do their table talking” (JC Ryle).

Build traditions: What makes you a *insert last name*? Use from each of your families, but make your own as well. This will knit your family together. 

We don’t make it our ultimate goal to have relationships with our children, or to please them. Rather, our ultimate goal should always be to walk in obedience to the Lord and please Him with the way that we love and train our children. There are certainly no guarantees with parenting, but as we walk in obedience to His truth, leading our little ones to God, teaching them about Himself and His ways, we have confidence in our purpose and peace in our hearts.

This is such a tender area and one that I feel deeply about — a mother having relationships with her children. Every mama’s heart cries out for this. This is an important goal but can never be an ultimate goal: that will lead to idolatry (putting your children over the Lord, disappointment - when they don’t need us or disappoint us; it can cause us to put them ahead of the priority of our husband, walking in disobedience to God and to the detriment of our marriage).

My husband and I came into parenthood with a strong desire to break some of the negative patterns that we had grown up with and a commitment to ask questions, read and learn together as we sought to form new patterns for our family. We were committed to one another and to a desire to raise our children in a loving home where they had the opportunity to know the Lord… but a lot of the specific how to’s, we had to learn as we went!

As you know, success in parenting isn’t about perfection. If it was, we would all be doomed! There is only one perfect parent, and that’s our Heavenly Father. He is the One we look to as we parent.

As you seek this good goal (tying heart strings with your children that will last), remember to keep these four priorities in the order the Lord has placed them according to scripture. Remember that He is faithful, and He desires for you to have a beautiful, God-honoring, life-long friendship with your child that will last into their adult years.   

Many thanks to this anonymous, wise mother for sharing her wisdom with us!

Strong Relationships, Part 3

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, or need a refresher - go read those first and then head back here!

Priority of conversation

This is a big area that fleshes itself out in all of the priorities we have already talked about. As conversation happens regularly in our homes, we have the opportunity to know one another and build life-long relationships.

My son Grant (20) said the fact that we had already made a practice of talking, and him knowing he had the freedom to ask questions, helped him talk with us during the difficult ages of 12-14:

“Our relationship with one another had to be built on more than just living in the same house or sharing activities…or else when you get older and go to school or move away, you won’t have any means of relationship.”

Priority of dinner time together – there are 10,000 challenges to this! It is a talk all it’s own!

The goal: Sitting at the dinner table together each night should be one of the most attractive and beneficial hours of the day. Sometimes it’s not all that exciting. It’s just showing up!

Dinner time provides a wonderful opportunity to train children in the skill and character of showing an unselfish interest in others. Model for and train children how to ask follow-up questions of others so that you truly get to know one another, rather than simply speaking AT one another. As your children get older, the topics get more diverse: politics, morality, a Christian worldview, questions they have. But during the younger years, it will be more simple and instructional.

Whenever dad is going to be home, work toward that being your special meal. Honor your husband before your children. Form new habits: “Daily Daddy Download”, or Daddys’s new “after work debrief” at the dinner table, helped us all, but especially Grant, to know his dad and the stressors he was under daily at work.

Try to avoid just getting your children fed. See this time as an opportunity for all of you to have fellowship with one another. Begin with the preparation time: have one child assist you each day so that you have an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with that child. Dinner Helper was a regular and rotating part of our children’s growing up. Have another child help you clean up. Make it fun! To enjoy lively dialogue, children can take turns telling one thing they learned at school; Mom can ask and expand upon a character trait that they are working on; they can discuss a challenge they are working on at work or school. Attitudes of gratefulness for family and food can be cultivated. Take time to get to know one another, enjoy each other, laugh together. Serious situations can be discussed, prayer needs addressed. Family matters, apologies, all of it! Seize this time as very special and WORK toward one meal together a day as often as you can!

Again, I encourage you to talk early and often about all topics of importance. The Lord, His Word, faith, morality, character, sin, sexuality… Seek to create an environment that is safe, where they desire to talk to you and ask you questions about anything that concerns them before they seek out anyone else. Your goal is to be the first “voice” they hear about all matters that you truly care about. Don’t allow the culture or their peers to become the teacher of your children because you have allowed a “vacuum” simply by your silence. 

Practice while they are young - gain confidence and skill at conversing with your children about what you care about while their questions and concerns are of a less serious manner. For example, talk to them early about what God says about their bodies, gender, sexuality. Use correct terminology and use good, age-appropriate books to help you learn to dialogue about these topics.

Early conversations about these topics become critical as they come into the teen years, when so much is changing in their bodies and they are formulating their own ideas and making their faith their own. If you have already made it a practice to talk about anything and everything, they will be more likely to come to you as they try to sort things out in their mind and make right choices. 

As Rochelle shared with me, “Every family has a fingerprint, and part of what makes that fingerprint unique are the grooves that were painful.” God makes even these beautiful as He forms our greater story.

Today our three children are in their early adulthood and I am blessed to say that they are some of my dearest friends and are often some of my greatest teachers. I treasure the relationship that I have with each one of them! But I assure you that it did not come about because we had a perfect home, nor a perfect marriage. Our children did not always get along, and God was not always our highest goal, and we certainly made MANY mistakes. We still do! And so will you! But praise God our hope never lies in us. It is to God that we looked for wisdom and grace as we started our marriage and family 28 years ago, and to Him we continue to look as we seek to walk in relationship with one another each day.

One quote I’ll share:

“Even the best parenting is fraught with challenges and disappointments. There is no formula for parenting that guarantees a perfect child.… Ask God to help you in the ways you can be a better parent. Expect His assistance. In His omniscience, He knows not only your weaknesses and sinful indulgences, but your longing to be a better parent. Trust and depend on the Father who does all things with absolute perfection to strengthen your parenting. Trust Him to use you to mold and teach your child exactly according to His plan.”

He is ever faithful!

Part 3 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!