Strong Relationships, Part 4

If you missed the first three parts, or need a refresher, read them here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Enjoy this final post!

Some last thoughts that I wish to share with you young mamas:

“Let love be without hypocrisy” (Romans 12:9). I have been asking myself where my love for God, husband, children is hypocritical… where I say I love but act in unloving ways. As my pastor said in his sermon Sunday, children can smell hypocrisy a mile away.

There is much truth in the quote from Nancy Deigh LeMoss that “anything that makes me aware of my need for God is a blessing.” Raising children makes one very aware of their need for the Lord! I have decided a good hallmark hymn for parenting could be: “I need Thee every hour!!”

Actively teach them what sin is, what to do when they sin, why Jesus is the only Savior and how to become a Christian. As with every question your child asks, when they ask you about the Lord and the truth of His Word, listen carefully, respond with direct and clear answers, and use Scripture to verify what you say. There are lots of good books to help you do this, like Leading Little Ones to God. This can be simple: When the kids were really little I read to them from a children’s Bible as they ate lunch in their high chair. Once we finished one Bible we started again with a new one.

Here are some basic principles that create security and build relationships with your child:

Train your children with appropriate boundaries and consequences and expect obedience, but do not expect behavior that is beyond his or her capabilities. Punish disobedience with appropriate measures, but never in anger.

Seek consistency. Speak with kindness and in all other areas seek to model those attributes that you want them to emulate. Desire to live what you teach.

Now our kids are 25, 23 and 20 and we still have these conversations. It’s a lot easier to begin humble and honest conversation when they are young and the topics aren’t so heavy. When you do so, you all develop confidence and practice to know that home/parents are a safe place to dialogue about real issues.

Be slow to speak, quick to hear, slow to become angry. Don’t lecture. Listen well, ask good questions to draw them out, pray…and THEN speak. Try not to overspeak! Kids will eventually tune you out. But if they learn that when they come to you they will receive a calm and thoughtful response, and appropriate discipline - with the goal toward discipleship training and not to punish - from a humble parent who is aware of their own sin struggles, they are more likely to come to you because they’ve learned you really care. And you won’t freak out! 

                “At every family table there is sure to be talking; and the talk that is heard at the family table is sure to have its part in a child’s training, whether the parents wish it to be so or not. … In order to make table-talk valuable, parents must have something to talk about at the table, must be willing to talk about it there, and must have the children lovingly in mind as they do their table talking” (JC Ryle).

Build traditions: What makes you a *insert last name*? Use from each of your families, but make your own as well. This will knit your family together. 

We don’t make it our ultimate goal to have relationships with our children, or to please them. Rather, our ultimate goal should always be to walk in obedience to the Lord and please Him with the way that we love and train our children. There are certainly no guarantees with parenting, but as we walk in obedience to His truth, leading our little ones to God, teaching them about Himself and His ways, we have confidence in our purpose and peace in our hearts.

This is such a tender area and one that I feel deeply about — a mother having relationships with her children. Every mama’s heart cries out for this. This is an important goal but can never be an ultimate goal: that will lead to idolatry (putting your children over the Lord, disappointment - when they don’t need us or disappoint us; it can cause us to put them ahead of the priority of our husband, walking in disobedience to God and to the detriment of our marriage).

My husband and I came into parenthood with a strong desire to break some of the negative patterns that we had grown up with and a commitment to ask questions, read and learn together as we sought to form new patterns for our family. We were committed to one another and to a desire to raise our children in a loving home where they had the opportunity to know the Lord… but a lot of the specific how to’s, we had to learn as we went!

As you know, success in parenting isn’t about perfection. If it was, we would all be doomed! There is only one perfect parent, and that’s our Heavenly Father. He is the One we look to as we parent.

As you seek this good goal (tying heart strings with your children that will last), remember to keep these four priorities in the order the Lord has placed them according to scripture. Remember that He is faithful, and He desires for you to have a beautiful, God-honoring, life-long friendship with your child that will last into their adult years.   

Many thanks to this anonymous, wise mother for sharing her wisdom with us!

Intentional Parenting

A few days ago I watched a short video on Facebook, and then saw a nasty, heartless comment from another woman. Social media is a breeding ground for nasty comments, of course; it shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. I was taken aback by how sincerely hateful this woman was - she had pure evil purposed in her heart and made absolutely no apologies.

Raising kids in this world is scary. Sometimes I think, man, how are my kids going to go out into the world, into public places, and deal with these kinds of interactions? How are they going to handle all the evil? Will they know right and wrong and be able to stand their ground when they’re pushed? Will they make it, following Christ??

There’s no guarantee how our kids will turn out. But mamas (and dads!), we certainly have a whole lot of influence on them!

If we as Christian parents think that everything is up to chance, we are so mistaken. If we think that we can sail through parenting and let things happen as they happen, or do damage control later, we are so mistaken.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

God’s design is that we, Dad and Mom, be their primary teachers. We are the ones who establish prayer, reading Scripture, searching for God’s truth when we have questions. It’s not a bubble, keeping them from the world completely - but it is protection from some things as is age-appropriate. We walk them through each phase of their lives, until they are out of our homes and on their own. I sometimes envision that walk starting out with them being carried, then we hold hands, then lessen to holding hands sometimes. Then we walk beside, then stay a couple steps back - until they’re fully on their own.

We won’t parent perfectly, but may we be intentional! May we not just wait to see how they turn out, hoping and praying they’ll be okay.

Your ultimate hope and prayer for them is salvation, is it not? Then let us show them the Savior.

Only God knows who will be saved, but let us do all that we can to point them in that direction!

Pray with them regularly, read Scripture with them daily. Show them how you yourself turn to the Lord when you have questions or need wisdom or comfort. Forgive them, and ask for forgiveness when you mess up. Let them see a flourishing relationship between you and your Savior, a relationship that is alive and growing. If you’re struggling, it’s okay! Keep seeking Him anyways! Our children don’t need perfect parents, they need parents who recognize their shortcomings and turn to Him for every little and big thing.

Our God is a righteous, loving God. He is able to bring us along, and bring our children along, in faith and knowledge of Himself. Be encouraged; He has given you this role as parent of your children, and He equips you to do it well. When you seek Him, you will find Him (Jer. 29:13)! When you ask for wisdom, He will give it (James 1:5)! He won’t leave us alone as we try to lead our children toward Him.

Take up your duties with joy, dear friend. Be intentional in your parenting; teaching and training and gracefully pardoning. May our children see Jesus through us, that they may be drawn closer to Him!

-Amy

Strong Relationships, Part 3

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, or need a refresher - go read those first and then head back here!

Priority of conversation

This is a big area that fleshes itself out in all of the priorities we have already talked about. As conversation happens regularly in our homes, we have the opportunity to know one another and build life-long relationships.

My son Grant (20) said the fact that we had already made a practice of talking, and him knowing he had the freedom to ask questions, helped him talk with us during the difficult ages of 12-14:

“Our relationship with one another had to be built on more than just living in the same house or sharing activities…or else when you get older and go to school or move away, you won’t have any means of relationship.”

Priority of dinner time together – there are 10,000 challenges to this! It is a talk all it’s own!

The goal: Sitting at the dinner table together each night should be one of the most attractive and beneficial hours of the day. Sometimes it’s not all that exciting. It’s just showing up!

Dinner time provides a wonderful opportunity to train children in the skill and character of showing an unselfish interest in others. Model for and train children how to ask follow-up questions of others so that you truly get to know one another, rather than simply speaking AT one another. As your children get older, the topics get more diverse: politics, morality, a Christian worldview, questions they have. But during the younger years, it will be more simple and instructional.

Whenever dad is going to be home, work toward that being your special meal. Honor your husband before your children. Form new habits: “Daily Daddy Download”, or Daddys’s new “after work debrief” at the dinner table, helped us all, but especially Grant, to know his dad and the stressors he was under daily at work.

Try to avoid just getting your children fed. See this time as an opportunity for all of you to have fellowship with one another. Begin with the preparation time: have one child assist you each day so that you have an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with that child. Dinner Helper was a regular and rotating part of our children’s growing up. Have another child help you clean up. Make it fun! To enjoy lively dialogue, children can take turns telling one thing they learned at school; Mom can ask and expand upon a character trait that they are working on; they can discuss a challenge they are working on at work or school. Attitudes of gratefulness for family and food can be cultivated. Take time to get to know one another, enjoy each other, laugh together. Serious situations can be discussed, prayer needs addressed. Family matters, apologies, all of it! Seize this time as very special and WORK toward one meal together a day as often as you can!

Again, I encourage you to talk early and often about all topics of importance. The Lord, His Word, faith, morality, character, sin, sexuality… Seek to create an environment that is safe, where they desire to talk to you and ask you questions about anything that concerns them before they seek out anyone else. Your goal is to be the first “voice” they hear about all matters that you truly care about. Don’t allow the culture or their peers to become the teacher of your children because you have allowed a “vacuum” simply by your silence. 

Practice while they are young - gain confidence and skill at conversing with your children about what you care about while their questions and concerns are of a less serious manner. For example, talk to them early about what God says about their bodies, gender, sexuality. Use correct terminology and use good, age-appropriate books to help you learn to dialogue about these topics.

Early conversations about these topics become critical as they come into the teen years, when so much is changing in their bodies and they are formulating their own ideas and making their faith their own. If you have already made it a practice to talk about anything and everything, they will be more likely to come to you as they try to sort things out in their mind and make right choices. 

As Rochelle shared with me, “Every family has a fingerprint, and part of what makes that fingerprint unique are the grooves that were painful.” God makes even these beautiful as He forms our greater story.

Today our three children are in their early adulthood and I am blessed to say that they are some of my dearest friends and are often some of my greatest teachers. I treasure the relationship that I have with each one of them! But I assure you that it did not come about because we had a perfect home, nor a perfect marriage. Our children did not always get along, and God was not always our highest goal, and we certainly made MANY mistakes. We still do! And so will you! But praise God our hope never lies in us. It is to God that we looked for wisdom and grace as we started our marriage and family 28 years ago, and to Him we continue to look as we seek to walk in relationship with one another each day.

One quote I’ll share:

“Even the best parenting is fraught with challenges and disappointments. There is no formula for parenting that guarantees a perfect child.… Ask God to help you in the ways you can be a better parent. Expect His assistance. In His omniscience, He knows not only your weaknesses and sinful indulgences, but your longing to be a better parent. Trust and depend on the Father who does all things with absolute perfection to strengthen your parenting. Trust Him to use you to mold and teach your child exactly according to His plan.”

He is ever faithful!

Part 3 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!

Strong Relationships, Part 2

If you missed the first part of this series, go read it here and then come back!

Priority #2: Love for your husband

Titus 2:4-5 reminds us older women to URGE the younger women to love their husbands and children. Husbands come first in that list of urgings. 

Again, I encourage you to begin as you wish to continue. 

Prioritize your husband now, even in small ways, so that your marriage remains a priority as you have more kids and life continues to become more complex. Work to make date nights a regular part of your life now and seek to be creative and continue the habit as your children grow and activities and the complexities of life increase. As with all worthwhile goals, this will not be easy, but it is still very worthwhile! 

Honor your husband. Seek to speak well of him to your children. Try not to slip into even the smallest negative digs, “You know your dad, he always…” Or “Your dad never...” In disappointment or hurt, help them to understand, forgive and pray for their dad to be the father that the Lord has called him to be. Teach them by example to bring hurts to the Lord, rather than living with bitterness.

Present a unified front to your children. You will not always agree on parenting or life, but your children should never think they can work one of you against the other so as to get their way. When you disagree, take some time to talk separately and then come back to the children with a unified plan.

This unity is one of the specifics that my oldest daughter, 24-yr-old Diane, mentioned that helped to build relationships with her. She said that it gave her a sense of security as a child to know she didn’t have the power to control and divide us; it also gave her a greater sense of respect for both parents.

Priority #3: Love for your children     

Boy this is another area that we could talk forever about. It is one that each member of my family spoke to as I asked them. Here are a few of the highlights - opportunities for you to know your child, invest in your child, and help them to trust you, so that you can speak into their life and they into yours.

Prioritize your relationship with each child - Seek to know them as individuals, separate from the family whole. Make time to be alone with them.

Take them on individual dates alone - a picnic at the park, lunch dates with Daddy, miniature golf with Mom, or simple times at home where you seek opportunity to work together and talk with one child alone while you are cooking or working on a project. Getting to know your child and helping them to know you in these times while they are young can reap dividends as they get older.

Knowing your child educationally - My second daughter, Rochelle (22) also mentioned that as we got to know her, taking the time to understand how she learned and adapting our homeschooling to best meet her needs (never comparing her to her siblings) helped her to feel loved.

Establish family traditions and celebrate milestones - Harold and I took the chance to spend time alone with each of our kids as they grew older. (Ex. Mommy and daughter over-night dates to discuss femininity and sexuality, ½ birthdays and letters of encouragement and vision from parent to child, birthdays where we go around the table and share something we appreciate about the birthday person, etc.) This will vary per family, but builds memories and becomes another chance to speak into the life of your child.

Support and invest in the interests of your children - This was big for each of our kids as they felt our presence and support in what they cared about. Sports, speech and debate, drama…

Little Daily Habits - Rochelle reminded me that in parenting, as in other areas of life, it was often the little things, the faithful choices and habits over time, that connected her heart with ours. Like taking the time at night to read together and pray with them before we put them to bed. She said that it made her feel special that we made that a priority and the nights we didn’t do it, she felt it. 

Affirming words - Affirming them before others and don’t talk negatively about them behind their backs. They should know that they can trust you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t seek wise counsel (there are times you might really need help with something to do with raising your child), but it does mean that you seek counsel with purpose, privately, and with someone you trust.

Priority of discipline - Children feel security and safety in set boundaries and dependable follow-through when they disobey.

Cultivate a culture of humility in your home. When you fail, apologize. It’s never too late! Even in the last few years we have had some sweet healing and growth in our relationships with our kids due to apologies by a parent for past wrongs.

Part 2 of 4, written by an anonymous wise mama. Stay tuned for the rest!