Do unto your children as you would have them do unto you

The Lord has been convicting me from this verse for a few weeks. I am long familiar with The Golden Rule, yet it’s only in the last month that I’ve thought of it particularly in terms of my children—not treating them as they ARE but as I would have them TO BE. As often is the case, God used my son’s little secular hippie preschool to bring this home for me. At a parent meeting, the speaker asked parents what were their main concerns for their children’s behavior right now. Parents yelled out things like sibling rivalry, angry tantrums, hitting, general snotty attitudes and so forth. Then she asked what character qualities we hoped they’d have when they headed to college. The group suggested empathy, perseverance, and self-confidence, among others. As a believer, I would add grace, service, and love. I really want my boys to have personal confidence in who they are in Christ that equips them to extend grace to others. I want them to love as I Cor. 13 defines it – with patience, with a long fuse, not rude, not keeping a record of wrongs, giving the benefit of the doubt, and so on. I want them to serve like Christ.

Then the speaker led us in an exercise. She said, “Put your feet squarely on the floor.” She did it, and we did too. “Sit up straight.” She modeled, and we did it too. “Touch your thumb and first finger in an OK sign.” We did it with her. “Put the OK sign on your chin.” But she put hers on her cheek. And every last one of us in the room without thinking put ours on our cheek too. She had made her point effectively. We say we want one thing with our kids, but so often we model something else. And they will always pick up what we MODEL over what we SAY.

God got my attention. My son has an anger problem because I have an anger problem that I have well modeled for him. And when I get angry at him because he got angry and threw a toy, I’m not helping anything. Apart from Scripture, my default belief system is that when he sins I need to get really angry in proportion to the seriousness of the offence, that the angrier I get the more effective it will be at deterring him from doing it again. The only problem is that my anger is NOT a deterrent to him doing it again. It just models anger for him and educates him in more sophisticated ways to act on it. That’s not how God transforms me, and it’s not how He intends me to disciple my children.

Here are Jesus’ instructions from Luke 6.

31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

32 ″If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

As I wish that my boys would do to me and others, I should do to them. Not do to them in a reactionary response to what they just did. It’s my job to break the cycle of act and react. I should just ACT. Stay on course. Love. Grace. Compassion. Endurance. Act on my vision of what I want them to be and model consistently for them my end goal. My angry little boy sure can make me angry. But my job in Christ is to stop the cycle, correct him, and model for him with my life as well as my words a new and better way through gospel grace to deal with conflict.

Of course, the Golden Rule transcends child-rearing. I had just never thought of it in those specific terms. It applies to my children, my husband, my friends, and my enemies. Do to them not in reaction to what they just did to me, but do to them with a vision of where God is calling them. And THAT is the essence of being salt and light in the places God has called me to function.

Originally written and published by Wendy Alsup of Practical Theology for Women.

In The No

“Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!

Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;

but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:9-11 (NIV)

When our boys were young they slowly morphed into teenagers, slipping into an unrelatable realm, at least for me. (I had never been a teenage boy.) The early years were easy in comparison. Over time, lack of sleep from midnight feedings turned into waiting up for my teenagers until I heard the crunch of tires on gravel. Parenthood evolved. One moment I was changing diapers and the next juggling issues like sex and alcohol. It became risky. I loved them, even when their attitudes were unattractive, but my love was sometimes expressed in ways that seemed harsh because I said “no” and wouldn’t give them what they wanted.

Still, this powerful, two-letter word, N-O, gets between us and the things we want too. Like you, God loves his children and gives them good gifts, but He doesn’t always give us what we want. In fact, He often keeps us from things we think we’ll enjoy. Even though we know God is the ultimate Father, a God who loves through all circumstances as we grow, there is still this parent-child conflict that occurs in our hearts. Fortunately, God isn’t confused or frustrated at our rebellion or poor choices. However, He is grieved for us when we challenge His “no” because it reveals a darker truth…we don’t trust Him.

Unfortunately, modeling my parenting after God wasn’t always easy. I wavered between being too strict and enabling bad behavior.  I often tell of one situation that happened during our son’s Senior year of high school. After Prom ended he and his girlfriend came to our house to watch a movie.  When the movie was over he came to me and asked, “Mom, would it be okay if she stayed the night?”

Surprised by the question I said, “No. She needs to go home.”

“But it’s really late and her mom said it was okay,” he argued respectfully.

Frustrated, I responded, “I’m not sure why her mother would allow it, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not okay. She needs to go home.”

“Why not? We’re not going to do anything?” he pleaded with a half smile, trying to wear me down.

Then inspiration hit. I asked, “If she were your daughter would you let her stay the night at her boyfriend’s house after prom?”

His quick answer surprised me, “No!”

“Then why are we having this conversation?” I asked victoriously.

Defeated, he turned and sauntered to the couch. Thinking it was settled I went back to reading my book. However, a half-hour later his girlfriend was still there. I marched over to them and found they were dozing off! Shaking him awake, I once again told him to take her home.

“We’re tired,” he growled.

“I don’t care if you’re tired,” I said angrily.  “Either you take her home, or I will!” Outwardly I was stern but inwardly battling with doubt. Am I being silly? Will he hate me? I asked myself questions like these even though I knew the truth. My actions reflected the right thing for my son, but my attitude was as gentle as a charging bull. I was angry and determined.  I was “right.”

“You’re not taking my girlfriend home! I’ll take her,” He announced, like he was the parent. Then, he took her home.

Although the outcome was good the circumstance took me off guard. I didn’t give in, but I certainly wasn’t bearing the fruit of the Spirit during our interaction! However, the possible consequences were not worth the risk. I knew if I let this go without exercising my authority as my child’s protector against “things he thinks he’ll enjoy” then I was enabling him in his destruction. My job was not to make my children comfortable or to make them happy. My job was to mold them into Godly adults--to make them set apart for God and to demonstrate His love for them the way God does for me.

Admittedly, I have failed to exercise my authority with grace in many circumstances (this being one of them). At times I did allow my son to get away with something toxic to his soul because I wanted him to like me. It didn’t work. It backfired, creating more conflict. He didn’t respect me. It wasn’t until he moved out that I realized how inconsistent I had been. (The “yo-yo” mom does not work on a child who knows how to “walk-the-dog!”) Even when I did do the right thing I often did it with the wrong motives. Instead of loving him too much to allow him to do something destructive I said no because I was trying to rescue him from experiencing pain (because it was too painful for me).

Thankfully, parents are covered by God’s grace too. Now, instead of losing sleep over my failures I bring them before God and ask Him to redeem the wounded places in the hearts of my children, fulfilling the needs I failed to meet. I seek my perfect Father and ask Him to set loving boundaries for my grown children that draw them to Himself. Now that my role has changed I feel a freedom to express favor like I would to a friend. Advice does not pass my lips unsolicited, but I am available to talk. I love showering them with good gifts and spending time with them. And, by the grace of God, they are respectful, loving, fun, grateful young men who know the LORD. Having said that, I am anticipating future flops. I am not expecting, from this day forward, to be the perfect mother, grandma or mother-in-law. But, by His authority, I will choose to walk by faith in the “no.”

"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal."

Job 5:17-18 (NIV)

Written by Marlene McKenna.

Mrs. Ann

Her health allowing, a kind, aging widow weekly sits in the pew in front of us at church. She nods along as our pastor preaches doctrine, and especially when he reminds us of the faithfulness of the Lord Jesus to His children. This morning, though, I was deeply moved when I heard Mrs. Ann’s voice clearly, firmly singing our parting song:

He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;

He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;

He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;

I’d rather have Jesus and let him lead

Than to be the king of a vast domain

Or be held in sin’s dread sway;

I’d rather have Jesus than anything

This world affords today.

Recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, facing many unknowns in her sunsetting years, I don’t know how to communicate to her how the melody of her testimony settles and reassures and fills me with courage. A woman who has lived eight or so decades stands with her small-town church family on an average Sunday morning and with faith and hope heralds the beauties of the Savior she knows so well, her Beloved who has kept her, held her, and brought her safely thus far.

And in the church pew behind her stands a younger woman; she is a mother with her husband and children. She is singing, too, but she struggles often with faith and hope, because she knows that her little family will encounter their own unknowns, and so she fights hard for faith and joy in the God of the promises. But as the older woman's song declares the faithfulness of our precious Lord Jesus, on this Sunday morning the young mom's heart is filled -- filled to the brim with joy and courage, hope and faith through the bold and gracious testimony spilling forth from the older, godly woman.

"I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken…” Psalm 37:25.

Written by an anonymous contributor.